25 Things the Canadian Penny Can Do Now That It’s Retired

Canada has finally done what everyone with a pocketful of pennies looking for a quarter has wanted to do for ages – they’ve abolished the little copper shit.  No longer will Canadians be forced to deal with pennies and the tight asses will forever lament how something that should be 8 cents will now be rounded up to a dime.  But now that the penny is retired, what can it do?  Lots!

1. Buy 0.0100215 Ameri can dollars.
2.  Spread around the world and cause misery for all peoples in all lands
3. Make your hands smell funny.  Canadian funny
4. Grow green in a small Florida community
5. Pollute foreign wishing wells and fountains
6. Hurl from the observation decks of the world’s tallest buildings
7. Make love to an old, old lady.  So goddamn old.
8. Get squished on the most luxurious train tracks of Europe
9. Become part of an insane old person’s valueless stockpile
10. Conduct electricity.  Or don’t.  No one’s making you do anything.
11. Get together with 49 friends and become a joke tip at a Denny’s.
12. Move to Hollywood and become a beloved comedy actor like 90% of all Canadians
13. Drink milk…from a bag.
14. Fight with Jack Lemmon or Walter Matthau
15. Talk to an empty chair at a GOP convention.
16. Run for chairman of the condo board.
17. Slowly let everyone know it’s really kind of racist.
18. Cover the furniture in plastic and never sit on it.
19. Fall on the ground and never, ever get picked up.
20. Complain about the cost of things.
21. Sit on the porch with a frosty glass of lemonade, wait for the news to come on.
22. Corrode.
23. Buy a night on the town in a breakaway Russian republic.
24. Choke some pigeons.
25. Wait until society crumbles, become the one true currency, bathe in the blood of the weak and feeble.