25 Things We’ll Miss About Kim Jong-Il

North Korean Madman and living cartoon is now a non-living cartoon.  Indeed, tyrannical, stubby dictator Kim Jong-Il has died and now we’re forced to somehow come to grips with a world in which he no longer will provide us with comedy.  What kind of comedy? In lieu of Team America quotes, the kind that peppers the 25 things we’ll miss most about the crazy little inhuman bastard and, for a fun change of pace, everything on this list is actually true.  Creepy.

1. His plan to farm giant bunnies that went south after he ate all the bunnies himself
2. The fact that he taught his people that he was responsible for the weather
3. His fashion sense;  a mixture of militant lesbian and UPS delivery boy
4. He forced an entire country to celebrate his birthday every year
5. It’s on record in North Korea that he once scored 38 under par on an 18 hole course, which is the best score in the history of ever.
6. He once kidnapped a director and forced him to make a movie.  Because he liked movies.
7. A tiny man with a tiny man complex, he deported all short people from the capital city.
8. Also disabled people.
9. He also legislated haircuts, claiming long hair sucks productivity away from workers.
10. Remember how he controls the weather?  it changed with his moods  Mood weather.
11. When he was born, the sky apparently filled with rainbows and the seasons changed
12. He only traveled by private, armored train
13. He liked to call himself an internet expert.  He was probably tweeting so many Googles, you don’t even know
14. In one year he spent nearly $1 million on Hennessey
15. He had the world’s biggest flagpole built in the middle of a fake town that no one lives in.  If you’re not sure what we mean by fake town, it’s not a riddle.  It’s full of fake houses, most without windows, with lights that run on timers.
16. He blew up the school he went to as a child.  Like exploded.
17. He was in love with Liz Taylor
18. There was someone on staff to inspect all his rice to make sure each grain was the same size
19. School kids learn that everybody poops, except him.  He’s not a pooper.  No poop for Kim Jong
20. Rumor has it he injected himself with the blood of virgins
21. He imported hookers from Europe.  Because local hookers suck.
22. When doctors made him quit smoking, he made everyone else in North Korea quit with him
23. He’s supposed to be the Eternal President.  No word on how he plans to rule as a zombie.
24. His glasses.