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25 Ways the Story of an Amish Guy Who Sexted a 12 Year Old Could Have Been Weirder

amish sexting

So an Amish dude was sexting a 12 year old girl. He agrees to meet her and actually shows up in a horse-drawn carriage. Because he’s Amish.  Then it turns out it was a sting and he gets arrested and no little girls actually have to see a barn get raised.  And that whole story actually happened.  But it could have been weirder.

  1. If he looked like the dude in the header image.
  2. If he turned out to be Chris Hansen in disguise
  3. He wasn’t actually sexting, he was just writing texts in Dutch and the pictures were of obscene-looking fruits and vegetables.
  4. He was a Scientologist and blamed it on the Will of Cruise
  5. He tried to make a break for it and lead police on a low-speed horse and carriage chase through Amish country
  6. If he’d been messaging the girl with the name “Barn Raiser 69”
  7. He was Amish and the girl was Mennonite and neither one knew how to us a cell phone so it was all actually an accident
  8. He was on his way to a bowling tournament with Woody Harrelson
  9. He was driving around with Harrison Ford
  10. His dirty talk includes the words “thou” and “ye”
  11. The only euphemism he kept using was “churn my butter”
  12. He’ll get sent to Amish prison where he’ll be forced to make pies with preservatives and watch people shave their beards all day.
  13. He’s the illegitimate son of Arnold Schwarzenegger
  14. Roger Ebert sent out an insensitive Tweet about it before he was even formally charged
  15. He promised her in texts he wouldn’t flop like the Green Lantern
  16. When he arrived it turned out he was Mormon and this was an elaborate hoax to get someone to listen to him talk about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
  17. He brought a box of Cocoa Puffs to use as roofies having heard they make us English go cuckoo.
  18. Obviously he had no radio but his horse did seem to be neighing an R Kelly song.
  19. The back of the wagon was upholstered in shag carpet
  20. His horse had a sticker that read “If thou thinkest mine horse be hung, ye shouldest bear witness to the Leviathan that resideth in my pantaloons.”
  21. He was carrying a bag full of Amish sex toys, like butter-based lube and a wooden dildo
  22. Having disgraced his people he will never again be able to mingle in public without wearing deodorant.
  23. The Amish want to punish him under the own laws which include forcing him to live out his days in “the Deviant Barn” which is where weird Cousin Jedediah who liked sheep a little too much has been staying the last three years.
  24. Being Amish, most of his texts just talked about how he wanted to rub his bottom on hers until a lot of babies fell out.
  25. All the pictures he sent were underwear models from a Sears catalog since he can’t actually figure out how ot get his own clothes off.

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