25 Ways to Market the Human Centipede Sequel and Make it More Viewer Friendly

The Human Centipede II has been banned in the UK as the British have decided there’s no non-preposterous way to classify a movie that is apparently solely focused on a guy who wants to hump a human centipede and maybe poop on it.  And, let’s be fair, that has less universal appeal than, say, Cars II.  But the first movie, while arguably terrible on a small scale was noteworthy on a large scale for tackling a subject that literally defies sense.

If you recall (or clicked that link up there), we wrote 25 ideas for the sequel backing March, but clearly the director paid us no heed.  Well it’s time to listen up because we’re back with 25 new marketing ideas for the movie that might turn it from a heinous mixture of 50% terrible and 50% vaguely revolting to 100% kick ass!

1. Give the Human Centipede a sassy gay friend who tells the centipede it needs to stop working so hard and take a vacation that ultimately leads to zany adventures and true love.
2. Replace all ass to mouth scenes with scenes featuring cartoon dogs and cats plotting against each other.
3. Distract audiences by playing Yakkity Sax over people crying into other people’s asses.
4. Rig a theatrical promotion for the premiere of the movie where all the seats in the theatre have a face implanted in them so you can experience what it’s like to be #1.
5. Rename Milk Duds sold in the theatre “Centipede Leavin’s”
6. Cast Arnold Schwarzenegger’s love child in a cameo role as a kid at 7-11 who sees the centipede stroll by, does a double take, and then says ”Hasta la vista, centipede!” or something just as uncreative.
7. Have Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer direct a montage sequence where poorly impersonated pop culture icons all mistake the human centipede for Gary Busey.
8. Interactive billboards where you can partially insert your head into a hole and appear as part of the centipede for pictures.
9. Human Centipede promotional gum.  It does not freshen your breath.
10. Viral marketing campaign wherein audiences can search for clues online with the chance to win their very own titanium ass shield to prevent unwanted human centipedings.
11. PR stunt featuring a human centipede made out of midgets. Hilarious midgets.
12. Human Centipede branded promotional bath salts.  You have to squeeze them out the bottom of the bottle.  Ha!
13. During screenings, random audience members will be chosen for a human centipede makeover on their local morning news program, complete with hair, makeup, wardrobe and face-to-ass comfort massage and fitting.
14. Soundtrack by Smash Mouth.
15. Randomly inserted into cans of Pringles, your very own centipede.
16. Centipede-brand toilet paper, for getting right down deep in your dirty places.
17. Hilarious Nickelodeon spin off for kids – Human Centipede and the Bongo Twins.
18. Mixologists design a drink in honor of the movie made from blue curocao, vodka, orange juice, drambuie and ice.  You just have to mix it in a kind of funny way is all.
19. Ron Popeil can cross promote Ron Popeil’s Ultra Centipeder 2000 Plus, the only human-centipede themed rotisserie oven on the market.  Just skewer your chicken ass to mouth, set it and forget it.
20. Human Centipede goes on the Van’s Warped Tour and/or Ozzfest.  Do they still do Ozzfest?
21. Public service announcements featuring Todd Bridges explaining how he used to be a human centipede but he went through rehab and is productive now, so the rest of us don’t need to stress about human centipedes so much.
22. Centipede-Os brand cereal, featuring marshmallow centipedes and delicious, crunchy oat cereal bits.
23. A massive viral marketing campaign featuring the human centipede engaging in a variety of relatable activities, like doing laundry in the Laundromat or shopping for cheese.
24. A rollercoaster at 6 Flags, the Human Centipede Extreme! It’s like mach 5, straight up your ass!
25. The half hour syndicated FOX series Human Centipede features the centipede travelling through time and trying to set right what once went wrong and hoping that one day it will be separated and, you know, not being a bunch of people sewn ass to mouth.