The crazy train is finally coming to an end. Glenn Beck, the peak of the mountain of crazy that is Fox News, has just announced that he will be ending his daily program sometime in 2011. What he will be doing after he leaves is still kind of a mystery, but never fear, Glenn. We have some suggestions for you. Three of them, in fact. Why Three? Because I couldn’t think of a fourth, and you can’t think of a fifth without thinking of a fourth first.
Trying To Sell You Some Kind of Fruit Drink At The Supermarket
We’ve all seen those people at the supermarket that are crammed behind small tables handing out small samples of wine, sausages or fruit drinks. We secretly pity these people, as outright rejecting a sip or a nibble of something they’re giving away for free makes our souls hurt a little as their faces sink with sadness in to their tiny cups of guacamole or whatever the f*ck.
This job has Glenn written all over it. Glenn somehow convinced millions of Americans that the best way to change the broken health care system was to not change it at all, so I’m pretty sure the guy will be able to move a few dozen packs of sausages everyday by convincing rubes the only way for them to thoroughly clean out their arteries is by corking their heart holes with Jimmy Dean breakfast sausage.
No one is better at selling people on shit that contradicts everything they stand for than Glenn.
Crazy Guy At The Park That Screams At Squirrels
What do squirrels and TV cameras have in common? I’ll tell you: neither of them responds when you yell at them. So if we were to swap out Glenn’s cameras for, say, a squirrel, and then swap the fancy, high tech studio for, say, a public park, Glenn could continue to perform his incoherent, apocalyptic rants to things that still won’t respond but at least have a pulse.
Also – and this is a plus – the squirrels will be infatuated by someone that is nuttier than their turds. BOOM! ZING! KA-POW! GOT’CHA! I’ll be here all week, folks! Tip your waitress and enjoy the veal chops!
Cruise Ship Entertainer
What happens when your career nosedives and no establishment on dry land will run the risk of giving you a job? Why, you take to the high seas and perform your shtick for rascal-steering, hip replacement-having old folks and white people that think the Bahamas are exotic.
Once on a cruise ship, Glenn will be free of all critizsim and he’ll be able to openly perform all of his greatest hits, including:
“Obama: Socialist, or Karl Marx’s African Love Child?”
“Nancy Pelosi’s Pussy, and Other Places I May Have Misplaced My Sanity”
And of course his timeless hit…
“Everything’s a Nazi When Your Eyes are Obstructed By The Tears of Freedom!”
And many more!