3 Suggestions For The Postal Service To Prevent Them From Becoming Insolvent

The United States Post Office has fallen on hard times. With various forms of electronic communication cutting in on their prime source of daily duties (e.g., people exchanging messages about the crap they’ve done that day, even though the person receiving the message could give a damn), the post office has had to make some drastic cutbacks, such limiting mail service and laying off workers. The probably has only gotten worse, it seems, as it was recently announced that the post office will not be able to make a $5.5 billion payment this month, leading some to believe that if even more drastic measures are not taken, the USPS will be forced to shut down entirely come winter.

We feel bad for the post office. They’re an American institution. They still serve a purpose to a great many. So, listen up, post office. Here are some of our well-researched and highly intelligent suggestions for saving some money.

Consider Alternative Fuel Sources For Mail Trucks

How much money do you guys spend every day filling up those mail trucks? I don’t have the figures in front of me, and I’m terrible at estimating large numbers, so I’m going to make one up and say that the post office spends one-trillion dollars a day on gas. I think we can all agree that one-trillion dollars a day is far too much money to be spending on gasoline. Electric cars are still a little bit too expensive, and teleporters have a tendency to not exist yet, so what’s the next best thing?

Solution: Burn Junk Mail

Nobody wants a bushel of fliers sent to them every day, so why not accept those fliers from whomever is sending them to you, tell this source that you will certainly place them in each and every mail box you meet, and then, when the source of the junk mail has their back turned, start chucking them shits in to your newly installed steam engine mail trucks.

By converting the junk mail that no one wants in to a fuel source, you are cutting your daily trillions in to daily zeros. Everyone wins. The junk mail suppliers think people are still getting junk mail, and you maneuver around cities at no cost. Sure, air pollution would be a problem, but it’s a small price to pay for getting my monthly issues of Yacht F*ckers and Sexy Bipedal Puppies on time.

Only Send Out Mail You Deem Is Important

…because you already do that, whether you know it or not.

We all love getting bills. There’s nothing an adult loves more than receiving a letter from someone reminding us that the products we use actually cost money that we in turn have to give up if we want to continue using that product. Even better is when we receive that letter a month after a payment was due. We all love nothing more than to suddenly feel unnaturally financially secure for a month, only to get a letter out of the blue telling us that we have a series of delinquent payments, even though this is the first we’ve heard of a payment that was due last month.

The only explanation for this is that deep down in your subconscious, post office, you are looking at our names and addresses, guessing what the nature of the letter can be, and then tossing it in to a spinning black vortex of nothingness that all post offices have hidden out back.

Solution: Own Up To And Embrace Your Selective Mail-Delivering Process

You know you do it; we know you do it – own up to it. Embrace the fact that sometimes an envelope is just so dull that you don’t feel inspired enough to mail it. Doing this and making it common practice will save you tons of money as the number of letters and packages sent out will be drastically cut down. Not because there is no mail to be sent out, but because, eh, f*ck it. Why bother?

This will spark creativity in the minds of those that have letters to mail, as they decorate their post with silly stickers and macramé and glitter. Post office people love leaving work at the end of the day looking like they were nearly kicked to death by a roving gang of glittery strippers.

Make The Post Office A Happier Place

We all know the post office itself is one of the sadder places a person can visit. It might be sunny and beautiful outside, but the closer you get to a post office location, clouds become darker, the blood-red lightning bolts become much more real and life-threatening than they look from afar on all of those of other glorious days that you never have to go to the post office.

Solution: Clowns

People love clowns, with the possible exception of those that are mortally terrified of them. Waiting in a post office line used to be a soul-sucking exercise, but add in a few clowns and all of a sudden waiting in line to mail a package or get some stamps becomes either a whimsical good time or a nightmare compounded with more nightmares. Either way, you have a story to tell by the time you leave.