Word has it this video is not a joke. I say well played, because this shit is hilarious, but I will go with the idea it’s sincere for the purposes of this article because the rational part of my brain still watches and understands it like it’s a real thing. I mean, I get this it’s made with a sense of humor, but on some level I don’t think it’s actually a parody. So that’s kind of sad. Gay dudes, no one will ever take you seriously if this kind of thing keeps happening.
Anyway, here are 30 things this video taught/showed/burned into me.
0:09 – Is that a steroid-enhanced David Leisure?
0:23 – There are no rules in gay football
0:28 – Is it just me or does that repetitive beat in the background sound like a rubber-sealed robot farting at a fierce pace?
0:32 – He literally blew your mind? Do you know what that means? Do I want to know what you think it means?
0:35 – That tattoo doesn’t seem to be a unicorn. I’m confused.
0:42 – Somebody help David Leisure, even with his steroid-enhanced strength it’s clear those walls are closing in on him!
0:46 – Did you just kiss a weiner dog?
0:50 – And are you, in fact, wearing a tie with a hoodie?
0:52 – Dude, I don’t want to judge, but I think you’ve hired a big, gay, shirtless gardener
0:59 – Gratuitous pocket pool shot. So even the directors of gay videos are exploitative and gross. Nice.
1:02 – What kind of asshole burns bacon?
1:12 – While it’s tragic that the man who molested you during a football game is now co-gardening shirtless in the yard, I still hope this was based on a true event that actually, literally caused the song writer to say, out loud, alone, “wtf?” Like the actual three letters.
1:17 – Pause the video right here and tell me he’s not having a stroke.
1:19 – Yep. Big, green, knobby balls.
1:28 – Pool safety goggles are intense
1:35 – Wait, is that a unicorn? I can’t tell, that metaphorical money shot is in the way.
1:40 – I think I had that look on my face the first time I watched this video
1:49 – Jesus man, why are you relaxing, your friend is drowning!
1:55 – Hiding in a shrub, with the dog. Yes sir.
2:00 – UPS will fire your ass if that’s how you show up at somebody’s door.
2:08 – My, what an evil rapist smile you have there. May want to scale that back, sex offender.
2:14 – This is worth watching, you’re literally never going to see something this gay again, and that includes if you’re invited to the wedding of Clay Aiken and Richard Simmons
2:33 – Got your murder face on. Atta boy, David Leisure.
2:45 – Gay reinforcements! This is just like the Expendables, only no one is as craggy as Mickey Rourke.
2:58 – I actually watched myself saying “what the” in a mirror before writing this – why is your tongue sticking out like that? Does anyone else do that when they say “the?” You look like Hooch drinking a beer.
3:16 – I didn’t know gay guys only had one kind of underwear.
3:28 – So there’s forms to fill out when you kidnap someone? Or is that for the implied homicide after the camera stops?