It’s National Flag Day, everyone! So grab your American flag, ring it up the flag pole, then kind of look at it awkwardly for a few minutes as you try to think of what you should do next, before you settle on giving a half-hearted salute that you give up on before your hand even touches your forehead.
While this day is all about honoring our most precious symbol of American pride, we will honor this day by showing you 4 products that represent the worst part of American patriotism: when people try to monitize it.
American Flag Pants
Have you ever gone to the gym and felt that your cheetah-print Zubaz pants just weren’t sending the right message? That instead of telling the world, “I’m a proud American!” they were saying, “Kill me”? Well, worry no longer, because now you can combine your love for walking gym-rat clichés with the symbol for American freedom. What It Says About You:
These pants are for both the man that likes to workout heavily, or the man that has grown so large and amorphous that regular pants with buttons and zippers tend to cut off circulation to the hands with which you use to eat. In other words, they prove that there is no such thing the middle ground in America. You’re either the vain A-hole that lifts up their shirt to checkout their abs every time they see their reflection in a store front window; or, you’re the guy that so believes in your American freedoms that you express your love for said freedoms by wearing our flag as pants as you stuff your face with cake frosting straight from the container. Or maybe you stuff your face with patriotic cakes…
Spirit of America Snack Cakes
Today is National Flag Day, where we honor not just a symbol of our nation but a symbol representing that which is the greatest gift endowed upon mankind by our Creator: snack cakes decorated with our stars and stripes, that sell for $1.79 at your local grocer. What It Says About You:
If you consume these snack cakes, you’re telling the world that patriotism is a concept that shouldn’t only be flowing through your veins, but it should also be clogging your heart and giving you diabetes. [Insert controversial metaphorical statement about how America is like a sugary treat: it’s delicious yet bad for your health].
American Flag Stress Cushion
America is a stressful place this day and age. There are wars going on, a terrible economy, idiotic politicians on every side of the isle, devious CEOs, environmental disasters, and Michael Bay is prepping another goddamn Transformers movie. Shit sucks and we need a release. Where some turn to depraved group donkey sex, and others turn to intense 17-hour cocaine binges
, there’s still a very small segment of the population that whole-heartedly believes cushiony, foamy stress balls will keep their hands from briskly cramming people’s heads in to their asses.
What It Says About You:
If you need a stress ball thing that’s specially designed to look like an American flag, then you are telling the world that you may be an evil, cartoonish super-villain with metal hands that sits in a dark office with only a roaring fireplace offering any luminance. Anytime one of your minions walks in to your office to deliver some good news about America –perhaps, that the American economy is rebounding, or that more jobs are being created — you squeeze your American flag stress ball with a violently shaking fist as a tiny, wheezy fart poots out of your hand. In that moment, you hate America even more.
American Flag Man Thong
Quick question: if an American flag man thong
touches the ground, do you have to burn it to honor the disgraced pair of skidmarked, junk-hugging ass floss?
We’ve debated that question for hours here in the Holy Taco offices, and the conclusion we reach every time is, “EWWW-BLLLLLLRRRRRAAAAGGGHHHHHHH!!!”
What It Says About You:
If there’s one thing that every American can agree upon, it’s thongs. We so dearly love our thongs. On a women, a thong is a beautiful accent that brings a nice rear end to life, very much in the same way that a nice piece of parsley on a dinner plate can make a meal look that much more delicious. But seeing a man wearing a thong has the same effect on a human’s brain as seeing a series of pigs being to speak English and struggle to stand on two-feet, Animal Farm-Style – it’s a grotesque sight makes eyes widen, jaws slack, stomachs toss and turn, and sexual organs to retract in to the torso.
So, regardless of what pattern your male thongs is decorated with – American flags, cheetah print, vertical stripes that make your ass look 5-pounds lighter – you are, and will always be as a threat to national security, and the moral fiber of America. It has nothing to do with puritanical values, or repressed sexual desires. It has everything to do with your ass looking like someone is squeezing a strand of yarn through a bowl of riccotta cheese.