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4 Drunk Stories Everyone Has

Everyone of a certain age and value set enjoys a good drunkening.  That should be a fairly acceptable statement.  Incidentally, if you’re one of those 19 year olds who doesn’t drink, for the love of Pete don’t get all preachy about it, because it’s not an almost totally unimportant lifestyle choice at that point, it’s just you being an asshole.  But anyway, for the rest of us, if you’re getting wasted at a party you need some stories about getting wasted at parties otherwise how will anyone ever know you got wasted at a party?  Not sure what stories to tell?  Try these ones, everyone else does.

I Drank So Much

This is the easiest go to story for a drunkard.  No one ever wants to hear it but everyone seems to think there’s will be entertaining.  Have you ever told anyone about the time you ate so much turkey on Thanksgiving?  Probably not.  You think about that.  Nonetheless, the gist of all of these stories is just about how much you drank one time.  Doesn’t that sound exciting?  Yeah.

Example:  Oh man, so this one time, at Hermie’s place, we were all hanging out and Hermie was like “we need some hot chicks up in this beeatch!” and so we called Glenaa and Shrewwife and then by the end of the night there were like 100 people packed into Hermie’s backyard, and this was back when he still had that half a bus back there, ya know?  So I start drinking this 40 of rum and the sun isn’t even down and I’m already done and Jake Longchud was just starting as a bartender at Bungifer’s so he was mixing drinks and I started doing all these shots, man!  Jaeger and Kahlua and tequila and whiskey!  Oh my god, so many shots!  It was insane, man!  And then Hermie gets in a fight with Lil Sticky and the cops came and I don’t even remember the rest.

I Puked So Much

This  story will often follow the “I drank so much” story and is born from the same misguided belief that you care.  It’s made worse by the fact it’s about vomiting because there are only a handful of times when a vomit story is worth hearing and this is not one of them.

Example:  Oh man, so this one time, at Hermie’s place, we were all hanging out and Hermie was like “we need some hot chicks up in this beeatch!” and so we called Glenaa and Shrewwife and then by the end of the night there were like 100 people packed into Hermie’s backyard, and this was back when he still had that half a bus back there, ya know?  So I start drinking this 40 of rum and the sun isn’t even down and I’m already done and Jake Longchud was just starting as a bartender at Bungifer’s so he was mixing drinks and I started doing all these shots, man!  Jaeger and Kahlua and tequila and whiskey!  Oh my god, so many shots!  It was insane, man!  And then Hermie gets in a fight with Lil Sticky and the cops came and I puked so much I cried and I think I tore my esophagus!

I Hooked Up with This Strange Dude/Chick

People like sex, by and large, so why not share a story about how you’d chemically altered your own judgment and then had sex with someone you otherwise likely would not have?  That’s appealing.

Example: Oh man, so this one time, at Hermie’s place..what’s that?  No, a different time. Anyway, this one time I was just totally trashed and Hermie was in his basement just whaling on that shitty water heater of his, and I’m upstairs with that chick Rubella.  You know her?  Calypso’s sister?  Yeah.  So we’re just hanging out drinking Crown Royal and watching the Disney channel because we can’t find the remote for the TV and she starts telling me how she just got her hoo-ha pierced and I’m like “pics or it didn’t happen!” because that’s so hilarious, right?  But then she whips off her clothes and we’re totally banging on Hermie’s sofa, you know the one that smells like pickle brine?  It was crazy, and she totally had this piercing that had a Richard Nixon charm hanging off of it, isn’t that weird?

I Woke Up at ______

You know what paints you in a good light?  Spotty memories of past actions brought on by excessive consumption of alcohol.  Especially if it’s accompanied by dangerous irresponsibility.  Do I sound cynical?  I have all these stories myself, I just think it’s funny to mock them.  I once woke up behind a toilet.  Have you ever seen how much room is typically behind a toilet?

Example:  I once woke up behind a toilet.  Have you ever seen how much room is typically behind a toilet?

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