Let’s face it: father’s day will never be as important as mother’s day. Fathers are generally the least respected member of a household, right behind the family pet and deceased grandparents. The reasons for this vary from family to family, but, again, speaking generally, dads are assholes that are kind of hard to like.
With this in mind, we’ve pieced together a quick father’s day gift guide for that often forgotten member of the home. We’re not guaranteeing your dad will like every gift on this list, but unless you buy him a boat or a new wife that hasn’t been morphed in to a screaming pig by that bitch named Time then we’re certain his level of excitement will never exceed “meh.”
1) One Free Pass Allowing Him To Stop Being a Deadbeat Dad
This is just a great all-around gift for any father. Presenting him with this certificate will let him know that it’s perfectly alright for him to reenter your home and your life after having abandoned you for his highly competitive and high stress job of being a low-functioning drunk with a second family in Milwaukee.
2) A Tie
The great thing about a tie is that your father probably has so many of them already that 10-minutes after you give it to him he’ll have placed it on his tie rack with all the others. From that moment on he’ll have a difficult time trying to figure out which ugly-ass ties are the ones that he bought himself and which are the ones you’ve given to him as a gift. You’ll never be blamed for buying him shitty ties became all shitty ties camouflage in to one-another and form one horrible clusterf*ck of ugly ties. It’s like the old rat king myth of a large collective of rats getting their tails tangled together, forming one giant super-mass of rats. Just with something your dad will proudly wear around his neck.
3) Alcohol, To Drown The Sorrow He Feels When He Thinks About Your Failures
He wanted a doctor; you work at a bookstore. He wanted you to make things with your hands, like backyard decks and canoes; you make scale models of Gundams and cars from cartoons. That man deserves all the drinks.
4) Some Kind of Novelty Thing That Makes Fart Sounds
Even the most intelligent of young men eventually transform in to simple folk that never stop pushing the red button on a novelty toy that spits out lame catchphrases. The older the man, the simply the catchphrase needs to be. If your father is in his early to late 40s, get him one of this Big Mouth Bass things that sings. But if he’s a bit older, say, 50s and 60s, buy him a thing that farts. By the time the average father has reached a half-century of life the level of cleverness it takes to make him laugh drops significantly. Before, all he needed was a plastic fish to sing “Don’t worry, be happy” and he’d laugh for days. Now, in his 50s and 60s, a fish singing a kitschy song is too “cerebral.” But a plastic thing that farts is on par with some of the greatest comedy every created. If the plastic novelty fart thing has a plastic butt on it (maybe a butt that is exposed after a little plastic man drops his pants), even better. He’ll even start quoting back to you the lines the novelty item speaks, even though it only farts. “Hey, Jim! BOOOOOWWWWW-AAAMMMPPP! Ha-Ha! Just like the fart guy says! Get it?!”