Did you pee today? You should have, because it’s weird if you went a day without peeing. But did you ever stop to appreciate your urine? Probably not unless you’re one of those freaks on the internet. Oh. Hmm.
Point is, while to most of us pee is just hot ex-beer on its way to a better life, to some it’s a commodity an damn if it hasn’t been commodified. In order to elucidate this fact I spent an entire evening Googling urine and ways t procure it just to write this article and now my search history is actually marginally more offputting than usual. Marginally. That said, here’s some pee you can buy right now.
Say, are you a filthy addict who still maintains a fairly high profile job? Maybe you’re just court ordered sober so that you can stay out of prison and keep making movies because the Lohan name still holds a bit of Hollywood cache. Maybe you just like getting stuff in the mail. For all of you and more there are sites willing to sell you genuine “clean” urine right now so you can pass drug tests or you know, just hang out with it. God knows there’s probably some strange stuff afoot with some of the customers.
Sites like Urea Clean offer both human urine and synthetic urine because choosy moms choose Jiff? I’m not sure how to end that sentence. In any event, you can buy a lot of pee from these guys, including the $90 ultimate kit that comes with a 4 inch realistic penis. You can just hang Mr. Floppy out of your drawers and work out a cup of someone else’s pee and then happily keep your job as a senator while still shooting your real penis full of heroin and drain cleaner. My God, what a country we live in.
Bear, Wolf, Bobcat and More
Predatorpee is probably the most all-inclusive urine-based website you will ever stumble across. If you need pee that didn’t come from a bipedal life form, this is the website for you. They sell pee from wolves, foxes, coyotes, bobcats, mountain lions and even bears. Someone tangentially related to this site will harvest bear urine on your behalf.
Why so much pee, you ask? My God, they saw you coming. They answer that in a text box right in the middle of the front page of their website because they know you can’t wrap your head around all this piss. It’s so much! The answer is this – you are in defiance of nature itself. You will use the power of urine to trick nature into leaving you the hell alone. What foolish pack of marmots or aardvarks will dare invade your cabbage patch once the whole place reeks of bear urine? No animal is that stupid! Your pissy cabbages will be safely enjoyed by you and your family and no pests will bother you again because you were smart enough to hose every inch of your land with the piss of a mighty, toothy beast.
Have you ever been in a men’s room at the bus station? Now you can make anywhere near you think they’re in one with perfume that’s made from urine. Isn’t that a great idea? Isn’t that something you’ve always really thought should be a real thing?
While it’s rumored knock off perfumes contain urine, probably because it’s hilarious, there’s a conceptual artist (because of course there is) who started turning her own whiz into perfume because of course she did. What on Earth else could she have done with her life.
In 2011 it wasn’t on the market yet, she just wanted to sell it to others and had taken to wearing it herself. As of September 2012 I could not muster up enough shits to give to continue Googling the topic to see if that crap is mass market ready yet but I’m sure if you track her down and wave a $5 bill at her she’ll spritz you.
At last, we come to what you were all expecting when you saw what this article was about. But far be it from me to be too predictable. Because really, none of you predicted what’s in the image I’m about to post, the screencap from a website I hunted down tirelessly, for close to an hour in fact. Look at it. Read it.
Did you read it all? Did you see that someone had actually bid on the “dine on my high class shit” auction? Did you see that there’s a used friggin’ toothbrush for sale? Did you see someone’s paying $10 for a bottle of spit? Yeah, you saw it. Now I have something else to share with you.
I edited that image.
I didn’t change the text or anything, I just cut out vast swaths of information that I felt was grosser than what I included. IT WAS GROSSER!
So what’s up there is the “normal” stuff. Pee for sale, socks, foot filings. And I deleted the other stuff and I will not look at it again. I will not!
Enjoy your day.