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4 Other Things That Happened on July 4th

Independence Day – the day when Will Smith and Jeff Golblum wrote the Constitution and saved us from the British.  But is that all there is to it?  Just fireworks, barbecues and Isaiah Washington chopping down cherry trees?  No, July 4th has much more to offer you.  How much more?  Four more things.  Only four other things.

The Death of Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson died on the 4th of July because he ate, drank, slept, and shat America.  He was so American that until his death if someone smelled apple pie they could never be 100% sure it wasn’t one of Thomas Jefferson’s farts.

Nowadays no one remembers who Jefferson was or what he did, but his legacy of moving on up to the east side still inspires us all because really, that’s what America is all about.  Also he may have humped a slave or two which is, especially by today’s standards, just a poor choice.  But he did it for America because he knew of the cultural melting pot it would become and he wanted to trail blaze interracial relationships and we’re going to stop this paragraph right now before it becomes any more inappropriate.

Some dude named Adams died today too, but nuts to him.

Geraldo’s Birthday

When you think of hard hitting journalism, you think of Geraldo Rivera.  Geraldo has Walter Cronkited his way into the hearts and minds and mustaches of all Americans with his can do attitude and hid dogged determination to follow a story no matter how many embarrassing failures it leads to.

Geraldo gave us Al Capone’s hidden vault that was so hidden even Al Capone didn’t seem to know about it and thus stored nothing in it.  Geraldo did special reports on the ritualistic abuse of Satanic cults that are so insidious there is no evidence they exist.  Geraldo gave us the format for TV so shitty, only Jerry Springer dared try to trump it, and even he hasn’t had his nose broken by a guest.  Gerlado went to the scene of a friendly fire incident in Afghanistan to file a hard hitting report, and was so full of journalistic awesomeness he did the report from 300 miles away, because it was too intense to bother doing from the actual place it happened.  Geraldo gave us a report from the ground in Iraq that was so thorough he even drew a map in the sand just in case enemy troops were curious what the Americans were up to, and then quickly decided to file the rest of his Iraq reports from another country.  Geraldo explained to us that Trayvon Martin’s hoodie got him killed.

Happy birthday, you magnificent sack of shit.

Big Trouble in Little China

If you put John Carpenter, Kurt Russell and a bunch of kung fu stereotypes into a blender, what you get is literally so awesome, when it shits, its shit is more awesome than the awesomest thing you could ever imagine if you had the assistance of NASA designed awesome-developing cyborgs.  It’s Big Trouble in Little China, which to this day is the only movie ever to feature a kung fu super villain who reacts to confrontation by expanding furiously until he literally explodes.  And it features Kim Cattrall before she got leathery and was still pretty hot.  High five!

In 1986,, on July 4th, Big Trouble in Little China opened in theatres and probably had the biggest opening weekend of all time.  You can argue that it didn’t even gross in its whole run what something like the Matrix made, but when we say biggest we mean in a more spiritual way.  Point is, the movie was awesome and it came out on July 4th so go watch it.

Foo Fighters 1st Album

Following the death of Kurt Cobain, Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl was all “I shall form a band!” and he stood upon a mountain and strummed his guitar for three days and three nights.  And the heavens raged and thunder and lightning filled the sky.  Rain beat down on Grohl and plague rats tried thrice to give him polio and still he persevered until finally, on the fourth day, Pat Smear and the rest of the band appeared and they called themselves the Foo Fighters and they made videos that mocked Mentos commercials and it was good.

And so it was that on the 4th of July in 1995, the band the Foo Fighters released their self titled debut album, a CD that can also be used as a coaster, a tree ornament, a fairly shoddy mirror and if you managed to sharpen the edges, a cool sorta ninja star thing.  An all that is in addition to it being an awesome album.  In addition.  Italicized.  Go listen.

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