There’s already a code of conduct for most locker rooms. There’s just a few more rules I’d like to insert to make the locker room a more hospitable place.
1. If You’re Naked And Getting dressed, You Have To Put Your Underwear On First
It’s great you’re at home with your naked body, but your penis looks like it popped up from behind a rock in a Jim Henson special to join in on the harmony of a musical number. Nobody wants to see that shit. When ever you’re getting dressed, you should think of it as a montage from an 80s movie where someone is gearing up for battle. Would the second to last shot in the montage be them fully geared up, save for their cock and balls hanging out? No, if the director did that he’d be fired and working for the Disney channel.
2. You Can’t Dry Your Pubes With The Hand Dryer
Everybody wants dry pubes, but walking up to the hand dryer and thrusting your crotch towards it as it blows hot air at your pubes, sending them flying towards the bathroom floor like they’re little dandelion seeds floating around on a hot summer day is not cool. Believe it or not, wet pubes stick to shoes, the shoes I’m putting on to go to work. Which makes for great conversation in the break room when I walk up to the coffee machine and leave a trail of pubic hair behind me like I purposely left it as a guide to help me find my way back to my cubicle. If you’re the type of dude who thinks to himself “you know, I just can never get my pubes fully dry with a towel,” then I don’t give a shit how well the hand dryer worked on you, in about three hours there’ll be a swamp formed between your asshole and nut sack that can support single celled organisms.
3. Old People Are Only Allowed To Bend at the knees
Nothing gets my day going like turning around to find a 72 year old man’s sweaty asshole staring me in the face. Sure, younger people do the naked waist bend, but it doesn’t take them 45 seconds to do it. And they don’t do it every ten seconds because they think they dropped something. Plus, I don’t know what happens to people’s assholes after they turn about 65, but they stop looking like an asshole, and start looking like that weird eye from Lord of the Rings that tries to stop Frodo.
4. No talking while showering.
Have you smelled the gym shower? It smells like someone took a shit, then ran a shower on it, followed by the shit getting up and deciding to run 14 miles. This is not a place I want to hang and have conversation. I get it, you’re friendly. That’s great, we can be friends, but let’s not do it while steam is helping waft the smell of your taint towards my nostrils. Plus, sometimes I don’t want to answer questions about who I think “Obama is going to name to his cabinet,” while I’m washing my penis. That makes me uncomfortable.