By now, you’ve probably seen the disgusting picture going around of what appears to be an alien hive growing out of somebody’s shoulder. According to the people spreading this thing around, that is what happens when you use Head and Shoulders shampoo. This can mean one thing, and one thing only: washing your hair is for weenies.
Grease is the word.
Of course, as always, some naysayers are coming out of the woodwork claiming the picture is fake, that the alien hive is just a harmless lotus seed pod photoshopped onto a body, and that the promised video exposing Head and Shoulders is nothing more than a scam to get you to fill out surveys and sign up for expensive products in exchange for a $100 gift card that probably doesn’t work.
Here’s the problem with that attitude: yes, they may technically be RIGHT, and this supposed video is just another example of how we are absolutely awful at the Internet and probably don’t deserve it. However, in proving that fact for the 4 trillionth time this month, the skeptics are ignoring the real problem: Head and Shoulders might not cause giant pod growths on your skin, but they can still do a ton of damage. Pick the wrong product, and you’re jolly well fucked.
Here are just a few examples of what this evil company does to its poor customers, who simply want to spend a few minutes every morning not looking like the inside of an oil pan at Pep Boys:
Ah, the ocean. So crisp, so fresh. This product supposedly reinvigorates your hair using minerals from the sea. Because few things help keep hair smooth and shiny like a shitload of salt. Plus, as a 2-in-1 deal, you get both the cleanliness of shampoo AND the silkiness of conditioner, at the same time! What could possibly go wrong?
Oh, how about THIS?
That’s right, you will grow antlers. Big ones too, like the kind you’d find on a giant moose.So unless you have a 50-gallon sombrero at the ready, don’t expect to cover these babies up with anything. Add to that the fact that there is no known antidote, and you’ll be spending the rest of your life with constant neck and shoulder pain, the inability to make it through any doorway, and gritting your teeth in chocked-back anger after somebody asks where Rudolph is for the 15,000th time that day.
Then there’s Anti-Hairfall, designed to stop hair from breaking off and falling to the shower floor below. While that sounds wonderful and peachy, there’s another product you can use for that: Super Glue. Don’t cringe, because you’re about to find out how much safer that would be.
Yep, just one round of Head and Shoulders Anti-Hairfall Shampoo will summon a Metroid to your bathroom, where they will then latch onto your skull and suck away your lifeforce. They will then travel back to the planet SR-388 and feed their young with your souls, enabling a new generation of transparent space ticks to effortlessly cross the galaxy and punish anybody who dares deny their follicles the god-given ability to flutter to the ground.
Don’t think Head and Shoulders’ evil ways is limited to simply shampoo and conditioner. This here anti-dandruff scalp massage cream might sound neat — simply rub it into your head and the flakes disappear — but you’ll lose a whole lot more than just dandruff if you use the stuff …
Your freedom, for one! While using anti-dandruff cream may technically be legal, power-hungry police officers don’t care. They will cuff you first and deal with the bullshit paperwork later. And if you fight back, protesting that you shouldn’t go to jail over a hair care product, they’ll simply charge you with “resisting arrest”, and then you’re boned no matter what.
And the punishment doesn’t exactly fit the crime, unless you consider 35-50 years in the hottest, darkest, loneliest prison on Earth fair and just. That’s what you’ll face MINIMUM. Maximum? They’ll simply hand you over to the ISIS warlords and let them handle you their way. One beheading later, and you’ll never worry about stupid dandruff again.
Finally, we have Intensive Care shampoo, for true hairmergencies, hairtastrophies, hairsasters, or any other forced portmanteau that will make you feel like the Supreme Overlord of Cleverland for the first five seconds after you write it. But while this may seem like an effective and powerful product, one shudders to think of the unseen side effects, especially compared to less intensive products we just covered. So we grabbed an intern, poured a couple drops on his head, and filmed the results …
As you can see, Head and Shoulders of any kind is not to be trusted, especially if you’re a Nazi. In fact, I’d be willing to bet the company put that scam video out themselves, as a way to distract us (and good God, are we easily distracted) from the terrible truth hiding behind their many products. If only life were as easy as a mere ugly growth on one’s shoulder.