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4 Things Rupert Murdoch Can Do If He’s Kicked Out of News Corp


For so long Rupert Murdoch seemed untouchable — that he would never leave us post as the head of his media conglomerate News Corp. But, if this article from Bloomberg is to be believed, there’s a chance Rupert may get voted out of his position by his group of independent directors – which are made up of 9 seats of the 16-member News Corp. board of directors. It’s a sad day for…someone, we’re sure. I mean, there has to be someone out there that sees this as a bad thing. Although, to be fair, that person probably owns many ornate mason jars filled with his own fear-induced urine. How that’s fair, I have no idea.

What would Rupert do is he doesn’t have a propaganda machine to operate day-in and day-out? Rupert, if you’re reading this (there’s no doubt that you are), stop thinking about your life post-News Corp. and listen up to these suggestions for what you should do with your life. Why should you listen to what I have to say? Stop asking stupid questions, Rupert.

Editor of a Building Association Newsletter

Apartment Building

Have you ever lived in an apartment complex or gated community and taken part in their form of micro-government known as the building association? It’s like watching late-night C-SPAN footage of a house of parliament session, just with more funny accents and old people that look like death has touched them many times but it just never took. Everyone screams, they all hate each other, there’s some lady with a walker in the back of the room complaining about the dead birds in the pool — it’s a chaotic mess, and it’s a tabloid newspaper man’s dream come true.

Rupert would fit right in, running scandalous, biased stories questioning Mrs. Henderson’s allegiance to the apartment building, or if the family in apartment 305 is secretly harboring a grill, which is specifically banned by the building due to fire regulations.

Try To Take Over Gotham With His Army of Flightless Birds


He probably already has the birds, and he can certainly afford miniature rocket launcher technology that would be strapped to the backs of said flightless birds, so, hey, why not? We all know the Batman is a menace, what with his vigilante “justice” that he imposes on the frightened citizens of Gotham. Batman’s not a fine, upstanding top two-percenter, like that handsome and vastly wealthy Bruce Wayne. Now he’s a true patriot.

Try, and fail, time and time again, to kill James Bond


As we are all aware, that dashing double-O agent known as James Bond has thwarted Rupert Murdoch’s plans for world domination many times over, whether it be to hoard a bunch of gold and destroy global reserves, thus making his gold even more valuable; or to take control of a space shuttle and wipeout the earth’s population and replace it with a master race, or whatever the f*ck Moonraker was about. God, that movie sucked.

But just because his plans have failed in the past, it doesn’t mean Rupert can’t keep trying. Maybe before Rupert loses his media empire he can take a cue from Tomorrow Never Dies and try to do something evil with TV’s…I don’t know. That movie sucked, too.

Your Un-Friendly Neighborhood Curmudgeon


Look at that man’s face. Really look at it. Smile or no smile, he always looks like he just about to tell you to stop being so ethnic, or to go f*ck yourself after you looking in his general direction. The job may not pay much, other than maybe some social security checks, which Rupert doesn’t need, but at least he’ll be doing something he loves, and that’s being perpetually locked in a state of F*ck You.

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