We’ve all been there before, riding an elevator up to a meeting with the President of Awesome or Mayor McCheese or whatever and maybe on the second floor this shady miscreant gets on but because society doesn’t allow us to even make eye contact with strangers in restrooms or elevators you just ignore him until the thinkable happens. With a jerky squeal, the elevator stalls between floors. You’re trapped. And as you turn, the horror of the situation sets in as you realize you’re not just trapped with a stranger, you’re trapped with a sucka MC.
On that list you wrote about who you’d like to be trapped in an elevator with, somewhere down below Luke Perry and several choice porn stars you had “dope MC” listed and now, in direct mockery of that third string wish, you find yourself sealed in a stuffy box with someone whose flows are neither mad nor fresh. Arguably they’re not even dope. They suck. Because he’s a sucka MC.
What do you do? Gut instinct may direct you to simply bash his brains in with his own oversized belt buckle that defies logic and good taste by being attached to a belt that’s doing a pretty piss poor job of even holding his pants up, but hold off. Do you live in a jurisdiction that disallows murder? Chances are that you do. As such you must carefully consider this option and perhaps ponder alternatives. Like these;
Destroy His Psyche
You have no idea how long you’re going to be on this elevator. People die in these things, it happens all the time. Right now, someone you love is probably dying in an elevator. With that in mind, you can’t spare a second of your precious time or oxygen suffering this fool lightly. Do you know what happens within the first hour of being trapped with a Sucka MC? Of course you do. He’s going to ask your name and then he’s going to try to make it rhyme with something. Is your name Derek? He’s going to rhyme it with barrack. Is your name Lucy? He’ll rhyme it with Juicy. He’s that predictable. Don’t let it happen.
Before the Sucka MC has a chance to try to spin you into an unfathomably terrible improvised concept album that will be the last thing going through your mind before you die from dehydration and/or plague rats, turn the tables. Shatter everything he holds dear from the ground up and leave him a mewling, barely functional shell of a man. How do you do that? Break the world down.
Did you know that BP pipeline leak is one of the worst manmade disasters in history? The devastation it’s wreaking in the Gulf won’t be fully known for a long time to come, but it’s completely destroyed local tourism, millions of animals are dead and dying and the very oxygen that preserves life in the ocean in that area may be sacrificed, turning the entire Gulf into a dead, abandoned pool of nothingness. The entire economy of the US and Mexico could very well be irrevocably altered as the fishing industry takes a massive hit, not to mention an environmental toll that may very well see some species wiped from the face of the earth forever. Now say something about Cristal, bitch.
Lay Down a Challenge
You know how Sucka MCs were first identified? They don’t walk around wearing signs and very few biologists have gone to the Galapagos to catalogue them. No, the Sucka MC was first identified in a rap battle.
It’s said that it was a steamy summer afternoon in 1978 when the first Sucka MC was exposed. He was brash and loud and probably had socks pulled up to his knees because there was a time when that was a pretty boss look. Back when people said boss.
The battle that took place was glorious. It was like this
Only live and in one place. When the dust settled, Biggie and Miley stood laughing over the carcass of Boostalk while the crowds stared in awe, having never before seen a Sucka MC.
The thing about a Sucka MC is, even if you’re stuck together in an elevator, if you can show them up by out spitting them their nervous systems will actually just shut right down. Maybe they’ll end up in a coma, maybe they’ll die. But there won’t be any marks, so it’s not like you murdered them. Win!
Shock and Awe
Traditionally, a Sucka MC is the biggest douchebag in the room. That’s a tall glass of water to fill if you’ve experienced even a fraction of the douchebags this world has to offer. Because of that you need to hit the ground running and give them something to think about.
If the Sucka MC places his arms in a bit of a stiff, disjointed manner that makes it looks like he’s about to start pretending to karate chop the air or scratch a pretend record, or whatever those spasmoidic hand movements are meant to represent, this is where you need to leap into the fray and take the reigns. Do you have a schizophrenic relative and/or have you ever overdosed on psychotropics? That will come in handy here.
You need to be ahead of the Sucka MC at every turn. So as he tries to go all “West Siii-iide!” on you, you need to contort like you’re having a mild fit and spout something about the chip in your brain and how Thomas Jefferson wanted “the darker the berry the sweeter the juice” to be stamped on our currency.
Bust out the Chloroform
You carry a bottle of chloroform with you, right? You should never leave the house without one for just this reason. In fact, take a moment right now to reflect on all the times in your life when a situation could have been made so much more pleasant if you’d just jammed a chemical-soaked rag into someone’s face until they passed out.