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40 Things You Can Juice: A PSA

It’s the summer and that means the Earth is 145 feet from the sun, unless you’re Australian, in which case you have worse things than the sun to worry about – things like spiders that have thumbs and will shoot you so that you’re crippled and can’t run away before they bite you.  Also, they’ll bite your face or your genitals, just to make you that much more uncomfortable.  Sometimes both.

In order to combat the sun, nature has given us the quenching gift of juice.  It’s like nature’s water.  Water, of course, being nature’s juice.  Please follow along. Anyway, before you die like an old person in this ridiculous heat, drink some juice and live to fight another day.  Not sure what to juice?  Good thing you’re reading this list.

  1. Oranges
  2. Apples
  3. A wet ham
  4. Potatoes
  5. Grapes
  6. Laundry you spilled juice on
  7. Guava
  8. Teats
  9. Kiwi
  10. Gooseberries
  11. Geese
  12. A rat taped to a cat (according to Dune)
  13. Carrot Top
  14. The Kool Aid Man
  15. A can of Four Loko
  16. Scientologists
  17. A Capri Sun pouch
  18. The homeless
  19. People in low income housing
  20. Lunchables with juice in them
  21. Not the ladies from the View
  22. Rambutan
  23. Maybe a pie
  24. Australians
  25. Spiders
  26. Love of your fellow man
  27. Salad
  28. Mountain dew
  29. Possibly Jesus
  30. Meat
  31. Bottled water
  32. Jack Lalanne
  33. Garbage bags
  34. Watermelon
  35. Musk melon
  36. Socialists
  37. Saline breast implants
  38. Ron Jeremy
  39. A pre-moistened sponge
  40. Oranges.  Oh wait, said that one already.
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