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5 Terribly Awesome Examples of Porn Acting (SFW)

The New York Times recently ran this article, about how porn movies are adapting to the internet world by ditching the plotlines of their films in favor of more f*cking.  Basically, that means no more cheezy scenes with the cable repair guy coming to the door and making sexual innuendos.  That’s like a retarded kid wearing a jacket without his name on it: sure, it’s probably fine that it’s not there, but when people notice it’s missing, they just get the impression that the person responsible for it doesn’t care all that much.  Nonetheless, this move means the end of the second best thing about porn: really, really terrible acting and dialogue.  Therefore, we’ve compiled some of the best non-sex porn clips in homage to the way porn used to be:
 
The Anaconda Garter Snake
 
 
The woman in this video looks like something Tim Burton would fashion out of clay and position next to a rotten pumpkin in a grave yard, so it’s great that she’s giving porn a try.  You can’t really blame the snake for wanting to kill her, though.  The poor garter snake was obviously startled by the Corpse Bride woman, causing him to fall out of the tree, clearly stunned, like a sack of flour, or a fake snake or something.  Then, to add insult to injury, he’s awkwardly wrestled by some d-bag that looks like that counselor at church camp that went into the girl’s cabin that one night and stood in the doorway awkwardly for a few minutes before bursting into tears and running off into the woods alone.  And as if that wasn’t bad enough, the creepy camp counselor guy punches the poor snake four times in the back while it’s just trying to flee to safety.  Being a porn snake is hard work.
 
The Angry, Redundant Cheer Coach
 
 

If this video teaches us anything, it’s this: if you’re having an argument with a bitchy cheerleading coach with something to prove, just tell her to suck your dick.  She’ll do it because she won’t want the girls that she’s coaching to think that she would back down from anything.  Also, the poor life choices that have led her to a career as a cheerleading coach have created a giant, cock-crazed chip on her shoulder.  It’s really a no-lose situation for you, the other random coach who wandered into cheerleading practice.  Had I known this information in high school, I would’ve told our school’s 250-pound cheer coach to blow me, instead of telling her to, "go f*ck the 10th grade biology teacher." They’re happily married now, though, so she totall owes me one.
  
Big Cock Underwear Thief
 
 
I couldn’t help wondering: why didn’t the just-off-the-turnip-truck gay dude just give the sniff freak on the corner some of his underwear?  I mean, for $500 he could always just buy some more underwear, and it’s not like the sniff freak would know the difference.  Dirty underwear is dirty underwear.  Then I realized that they had to be piss-stained underwear.  In that case, it makes perfect sense that he had to break into someone’s house and hide until he had a chance to steal their underwear, because not everyone can just piss their pants.
 
The Construction Worker
 
 
We must have watched this clip thirty times, and we’re still left with so many questions.  We’re offering a Holy Taco t-shirt to anyone who can tell us A) why he’s crawling into the room, and B) what the guy says he’s been doing at about 0:58.  We absolutely can not figure it out.  Whatever it was, we know that it made him dirty enough to second-guess sleeping with the slutty chick, so his balls must be pretty messy.  It’s clearly not dirty enough to get anything on his coveralls, or for her to care at all about how dirty he is, so we can safely assume that he didn’t come out of the sewer recently.  He’s wearing a hard-hat and is dressed like an electrician, but with no toolbelt, and apparently he’s part of a three-man team, so it must be a pretty big job.  That’s as far as we’ve gotten in cracking the riddle.  Anyone who can give us a legit answer gets a t-shirt.
 
Two Girls, Two Ridiculous Accents, No Eye-Contact
 
 
The two girls in this video are just awesome.  The blonde girl’s accent is absolutely amazing.  I kept hoping she would say something like, "Now get in mah pussay! Du yah have ah wee dildew far mah pussay?"  If there is a God, there’s a longer clip out there somewhere with that dialogue included.  The brunette in this video is probably the worst actress ever.  She’s so bad, that if someone told me they’d hired a really, really good actress and told her to play the shittiest actress ever, I’d believe it.  In fact, I feel like someone should give her an award for playing such a good terrible actress, as long as her sheepish look toward the camera at the end of this clip is on the highlight reel that they play during her acceptance.
 

24 Responses to "5 Terribly Awesome Examples of Porn Acting (SFW)"

  1. L says:

    that is one dedicated Construction Worker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Wendy says:

    Yes, Amoogle has it right. He is dirty and just got out of the canalization. And I’m pretty sure that the sewers doubles as the reason why he crawled in. Crawling out of a manhole (hehe) and up into the room. I guess she either has something in her house like that or that part is outside?

    Is this shirt thing for real? I’m hoping so.

  3. Goldie says:

    Canalisation is French for drain, n’est-ce pas? He really doesn’t look like he’s being hanging about in a drain, and she wouldn’t want to bang a guy who had been, either. Fails all round.

  4. just_looking125 says:

    It’s obvious that he’s crawling because the guys he’s looking for are so tall. It’s meant to be ironic and make us all think about our place in the universe.

    Also, he doesn’t say anything about himself. He says that he’s dirty and she’s part of the “organization”, obviously referring to the promiscuous cult he and his cohorts were hired to work for. He’d probably been told that he could sleep with anyone that wasn’t part of the organization…

  5. KRAYZEEBISH says:

    Awwwwwww!!! lol I still love keanu. I want to do very freaky nasty things with him.

  6. funny says:

    The construction worker crawling in dirty because he “just came out of the canalisation”

  7. Bob says:

    Terrible acting? Are you nuts? That anaconda garter snake gave one of the most moving performances I’ve ever seen. I laughed, I cried, it became a part of me.

  8. zz says:

    i gave the same answer as amoogle, but emailed it to feedback(at)holytaco(dot)com because i couldn’t get the comment section to work. check the time on my email, boys.

  9. Jbiz says:

    HAHAHAH what would you expect?

    A healthier smoke.
    Electronic Cigarette

  10. mica says:

    Yeeeah Amoogle I understand too !!!! The guy has that horrid french accent. I guess Amoogle you are french too

  11. Persistent Cat says:

    In the gay porn, the dark haired guy is a slightly better actor than Keanu Reeves. Slightly.

  12. apepi says:

    i will teach her to dance
    i will teach her to sing
    but first i will teach her to sit on my horny dyke face

  13. Banana says:

    He’s not saying Conidation, it’s canalisation. In french la canalisation is the sewer system and this guy seems to be trying to put on a French accent.

  14. brandy says:

    A) Hes crawling because he is coming up out of the basement, the basement is not finished so hes has to climb up.
    B) Heyy but i am dirty i just go out of the conidiation
    Conidiation : biological process in which filamentous fungi asexually reproduce from spores
    Obviously hes letting her know hes dirty because of this because dirt shouldnt be a problem but fungus could turn into something nasty (but she doesnt care or maybe doesnt know what that means)

    So in conclusion this means that he is working in her home to clear the fungi out of her unfinished basement. The basement, because it is unfinished, does not have a proper way to get up and down, it breeds bacteria and fungi because no one is ever down there to clean.

    Also, Id like to believe that his two friends have already come up, had their share of this women and left this guy to get their sloppy thirds.

    The end.

  15. Anonmous guy says:

    Banana, he puts it in French accent because he is French

  16. Anonymouse says:

    They are french porn actors speaking their actual lines in english and they messed up the translation because hey there porn stars, who cares what they are saying as long as they have boobies. He is coming out of from under the house after fixing pipes and he is supposed to be saying that he just got out of the crawl space and he is dirty because he is covered in spider webs. at this point in the movie the other two guys that are mentioned had already dped that girl and went on there merry way. I spent all day researching this. Thanks a lot holy taco, jerks

  17. Anonymouse says:

    Never mind, the two guys dped the maid who looks just like that girl only she is wearing a black dress that doesnt even look like a maid uniform. They’re french and they couldn’t even get a french maid uniform wtf? anyways the lady doesnt come home, conveniently, until after the made has left and the two guys dont know whats going on (I think the maid and the lady are evil clones or the producers could only afford to pay one actress so she had to double up on roles). also there is a long part with that guy masturbating in the crawl space while looking through “the floorboards” which is actually just a piece of wood and somehow the maid sees him when she is leaving. maybe thats how he got spider webs on his junk. I watched 12 hours of porn just to find this, what the hell is wrong with me?

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  19. Sun-Dried Eyes says:

    A. He’s Super Mario and just scored a mushroom.

    B. Narrowed it to two.
    “Hey. But I’m dirty. I just thought of a cannulization.” Medical penis joke.
    “Hey. But I’m thirsty. I just bought a can of the Tayshaun.” Gay Piston fan

  20. Amoogle says:

    Hi.
    So I wonder: is there an actual t-shirt to win?
    I gave the right answer in the first comment, since I don’t just have to guess, because I understand what the guy is saying.
    (I tried the email adress from your “Contact” section but there eventually you only get back a generated answer mail from Break Media)

  21. Salad Days says:

    You guys are all waaaaay off.

    This guy is clearly playing the pope, hence the Italian accent. He has to dress up like that, you know, undercover like, whenever he sneaks out of the Vatican.
    He was crawling because he’s so used to riding everywhere in that pope-a-mobile that his leg muscles are all weak and atrophied.
    After the girl grabs his papal junk, he says, “But it’d be dirty, I just ordered a canonization,” because while the pope likes himself some fanny as much as the next guy, he stills knows when he’s being an out and out hypocrite.

    Oh yeah and the two friends he was looking for were Craig T Nelson and Chef Paul Prudhomme. They were supposed to meet up to go out for an ice cream.

  22. Fizzle says:

    whats the name of the porn with the cheer coach?

  23. carl says:

    in the fourth one.. apparently for some reason there’s an entrance to the sewer from that room, where he was “climbing up” and he had been in the canalisation aka the sewer. I’ve must have seen this one in the movies with subtitles. french actors ..a classic

  24. Amoogle says:

    I don’t know what’s problem here but the guy clearly says

    “Eyy!? But I am dirty, I just got out of the canalisation!”

    I’m not living in the USA and maybe the word “canalisation” doesn’t exist in englisch but wikipedia translates it to “Sewer”. You know, like when you flush the toilet. This also answers A.

    greetings