Welcome to Huntsville, Alabama, home of the world’s first drive-thru sex shop. Pleasures, the shop in question, recently moved into their new location, a former bank with a three-lane carport. According to the store’s press release, sex toys, lubes and stimulants will all be available, and will be delivered in brown paper bags via the drive-thru drawer. The hope is that such transactions will take away the embarrassment felt by some customers during face-to-face-transactions. I’m assuming they don’t yet have the Internet in Alabama.
While I applaud Pleasures for its innovative sales approach, I can’t help but think it can be applied to other commercial enterprises. With that, I give you five businesses that should offer drive-thru windows (besides sex-shops).
5. Nursing Homes
There’s a reason you put grandma in the nursing home. You hate her. As such, you really have no interest in paying her a visit. Seeing all those elderly people waiting to die is depressing, not to mention the hallways reek of urine. But on those rare occasions where you are forced to interact with a nursing home patient, wouldn’t it be nice if you didn’t have to get out of your car. You could simply pull up, place whatever insurance info grandma needs to sign in the window, and get the signature. Before she even gets the chance to accuse the “colored nurse” of stealing her medicine, you’ll be on your way.
Costco is great! The only down side is the size. It’s bad enough walking from the parking lot to the entrance, but once you’re inside, you have to wade your fat ass all over the warehouse. There’s got to be a better way, and there is. Why not make it a drive-thru? Granted, it’d be hard to fit an 84-pack of toilet paper through your average take-out window. But the place is big enough to have cars drive up and down the aisles. Let’s make it happen.
3. Funeral Homes
This applies more to wakes than actual funeral services, but imagine the convenience of pulling up to a drive-thru window to pay your respects to a dead friend or relative. The current system is flawed in many ways. Specifically, you are forced to interact with people you haven’t seen in years. Chances are, there’s a reason for this. If you had wanted to see your old girlfriend from high-school, you would have Face-stalked her by now. Not to mention that second-cousin you drunkenly made out with at your grandpa’s funeral. A drive-thru wake would keep such interactions to a minimum. Plus, you could listen to the radio instead of that depressing organ music. Good times!
2. The STD Clinic
Holy Taco recently ran an article about a new mobile phone app that can test your urine for STDs. It’s sure to revolutionize the way people get tested. But until that device is ready for the public, why not a drive-thru STD clinic? You think buying a dildo is awkward? Try sitting in a waiting room full of people who think they have HIV. And while administering a urethral swab in your front seat might be a bit tricky, the fact that you took your pants off in your car is what brings you here in the first place.
1. Planned Parenthood
As the slogan goes, “my body, my choice.” But what if someone chooses not to walk their body all the way from the back of the parking lot to the entrance, past all of those embarrassing protesters? Right now, they’re out of luck. Are we living in the dark ages? A drive-thru window is the next logical step in the struggle for reproductive rights. If you disagree, you’re worse than the pope and Hitler combined!