While on some level Julian Assange might be a crusader for freedom of information and free speech, on every other level he’s a creepy Eurotrash douche nozzle who’s in love with himself and convinced of his own superiority. He’s basically one of those Swedish dudes from the Big Lebowski only he doesn’t know it. He’s an asshole who looks like a date rapist. Oh wait, he is a rapist. Allegedly. That aside, a series of vaguely creepy letters between himself and a girl he had one date with have been released, as he basically stalks and harasses her for a spell, tries to make her solve a riddle to learn his phone number, then has a minor league nerd spazz when it becomes clear there will be no boobies in his future. But let it never be said Assange is the only sexually creepy pseudo celebrity of note, there are plenty of others out there. But the question is, how do they stack up on the Assange Scale of Creepiness?
Eddie Murphy – It’s worth remembering two important aspects of Eddie Murphy’s career. The first is that he used to be absolutely hilarious. The second is that he shtooped a tranny. Oh yeah.
In 1997, shortly after Murphy had officially stopped making funny movies and focused his efforts on wearing fat suits or ensuring no one will get the reference “Pluto Nash” in a comedy article, Murphy took a break to be a good Samaritan and help out a transvestite hooker. That was his story anyway.
Being a responsible citizen, he often cruised for hookers who seemed down on their luck and then gave them money to help them out. But not for blowies. Never for blowies. It just so happened that he had a stroke of bad luck (as opposed to a stroke from a transvestite hooker) when the cops pulled him over. He stuck to his good Samaritan story, while the hooker said he asked to see some lingerie and wanted to know what kind of sex s/he liked. Later, his ex-wife questioned why, if he was just helping out, did the hooker need to get into the car and drive anywhere with me. The editors at Holy Taco like to think he was taking the transvestite hooker to go see Daddy Day Camp, because someone must have paid to see it, and Eddie Murphy paying admission for tranny hookers makes as much sense as anything else.
R. Kelly – It can never be stressed enough how much R. Kelly likes to pee on others. That and underage girls. It’s funny how, in this special instance, neither one seems to be more awful when you put them together, they’re both pretty standalone awful. Good for you, R. Although really, the underage girl thing is a bit more awful. Why pee on her though? C’mon now.
Supporters of R. Kelly will tell you he’s an innocent man, ignoring the mountain of child porn that cops in Florida found in his house that had to be thrown out due to a lack of probable cause on a search warrant, one of those legal loopholes asshats will use to say a murderer is innocent as he sits in his pile of torsos and wittles a planter. R. Kelly is a pederast who sings about midgets in the closet but that’s OK because famous people can do whatever they want.
Hugh Grant – Amiable English doofus Hugh Grant was in every romantic comedy filmed in the 1990s that you never saw. From one movie to the next his hair never changed, nor did his character and it didn’t matter because he’s like movie roofies, you just forget it all in a haze of uncomfortable memories after it happened, and maybe you can’t sit right for a few days.
Despite his straight teeth, he demonstrated some clearly crooked British thinking when he opted to cheat on Liz Hurley of all people with a hooker named Divine Brown, who looked like you’d expect a hooker named Divine Brown to look. To put that in perspective, imagine you were coming home to a nice steak dinner but instead opted to eat the ass out of a dead bear by the side of the road. You were going to go to school at Harvard but instead figured the crackhead down the street had more life lessons to offer. You were going to take a shower but instead immersed yourself in a tank of human effluence. And got a hummer from it.
Mel Gibson – Mel Gibson is more batshit than most Mexican cave networks, we all know that now. But it’s his romantic side we’re delving in to for laughs right now, and that’s where a different brand of creepy pops up. We covered this once before but it bears repeating that Gibson actually referred to himself as a capitalist pig in a letter that was meant, on some level, to not be retarded.
Gibson went on to refer to his girlfriend as a communist, ya know, because she’s Russian, really exposing the breadth of his poetic muse. On the upside he never rhymes Kremlin with “love gremlin” which we can safely assume he calls his penis. On the other hand, he left her messages when he was angry at her dropping c-bombs like loose change to the backdrop of the sound of a shovel digging the grave for his career and chiseling out a tombstone that reads “I am an asshole.” If you haven’t heard the calls yet, you really should, to experience not only Mel’s offhanded racism, but how much he seems to despise women in general.
Jews, women, black people, Mexicans; crazy Mel’s running out of minorities to riff on. Just going to be online comedy writers and Samoans soon.
Prince Charles – An old chestnut this one, it’s worth dusting off due to the explicit awesomeness of all the factors put together. First you have a married man. May not be a big deal in this day and age, but it’s a starting point. Then, you make him royalty. Now things are getting better, not a lot of monarchs around. Then make him the future King of England and potentially the richest man in Britain. Awesome. Then to f*ck with him a bit, give him a head like a potato and ridiculous ears. Sweet. Good setting for something hilarious. Like maybe wishing you’d be reincarnated as your CHUD girlfriend’s tampon.
How it came to be that Prince Charles was married to Princess Diana and ending up not just cheating on her, but cheating on her with a woman who looks a bit like the illicit offspring of John Edwards and a horse is anyone’s guess. But wanted to be Mr. Edwards’ tampon? That’s just f*cked up.
The offending comment was made during a phone call that a British tabloid intercepted in which Charles expressed a desire to live in Camilla’s trousers (trousers being one of the most seductive words in all of England). Camilla foolishly thought he meant knickers (British slang for “I’m so goddamn gross”) and Charles corrected her with the tampon comment. Both chortled hearty British guffaws and then masturbated with scones.