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5 Cheeses That Need to Be Made

Cheese making is probably pretty simple.  I’ve never endeavored to make much cheese, but I have tried once.   I made some homemade marscapone.  It tasted kind of like off yogurt.  But the point is I did it and could probably do it again.  Cheese was invented before the wheel, I think, how hard can it be?  That said, despite the long, splendid history of cheese, I can’t help but notice how lazy most cheesemakers are.  The dairy industry is dominated by cows, and with a touch of goat taking up the slack on the fringe.  That’s it?  Goats and cows?  Do you know how many animals make milk? Like a bajillion.  Where the hell is my exotic cheese?

The following is a list of cheeses I demand to be enticed with sometime in the future.  Have at it, cheese meisters.

Whale

Whales are mammals and we’re all fascinated when we learn this in grade one or whenever it happens.  They look like fish, how can they be like us?  Because they are, deal with it.  And being mammals, they nurse their young, which is something they never really teach you about in school and I will go on record right now saying I went to college and I still don’t quite get it.  Like I get it, but at the same time I feel like I have never see a whale nipple so I’m not sure of the logistics.  Do mother whales grow boobs?  Is that really what’s happening because that would blow my mind.

Whale teats aside, I have read that whale milk has an insane fat content, as much as 50% and has a consistency like toothpaste so that it won’t disperse in the ocean.  That’s literally the most gross and awesome thing you’ll hear today.  Could you just imagine sucking back on a thick rope of milk?

I think cow’s milk has a fat content of around 5%, so cheese made from whale’s milk would probably kill you dead after a single sandwich, but it might be worth it.  It’d be some intense cheese.

Pig

Pig cheese is a thing, I even read about it.  At first you have to wonder why pig cheese isn’t out there – pigs are a pretty widely farmed livestock, right?  Turns out milking a pig is like taking your life into you own hands because a nursing pig is an unhappy pig.  They’re angry, suspicious, rage pigs when they’re working the teats.  So the best way to milk one is to sneak up on it when it’s sleeping, get as much as you can before it wakes up and run away again.  In the grand scheme of things, it’s highly impractical.  Arguably you could build milking rigs but basically it’s a lot of infrastructure that just doesn’t exist right now.

Apparently pig cheese is delicious but I have no way to confirm that because no one is making it for me and I refuse to trust the word of the guy who sneaked up on a pig to make it himself.  There are people online who will tell you how delicious a sandwich bag full of fart is if you look hard enough.

Alpaca

Have you ever seen a baby alpaca? It’s pretty much the physical embodiment of adorable. Look!

 

Oh my shit, that’s the best thing ever.  So if we breed alpacas, then the mothers make milk and also more of these adorable baby alpacas.  It’s a win win situation, and then we can have alpaca cheese

Monkey

In all honesty the idea of having monkey cheese isn’t really appealing to me.  But I find the image of someone trying to milk a monkey hilarious beyond word.  Like the monkey would probably be staring at you like you’re an idiot and slapping your hands away in a confused manner and it’d be a bit of a struggle.  Or if it was an orangutan (oh, is an orangutan an ape, not a monkey? Go tell someone who cares), it’d put its hands up and lumber off in that awkward, drunken way orangutans do everything.

I guess the point of this is that monkeys are hilarious and trying to milk one would be the most perfectly awkward hilarious thing ever.  Then, since you have the milk on hand anyway, may as well try to make some cheese out of it.  What else are you going to do, drink it?  Sickie.

Capybara

Capybaras are the world’s largest rodents and can get up to 150lbs.  Can you imagine a 150lb rat?  Some people have issues with rats, because they’re abnormal (the people, not the rats) but rodents are basically just long nosed cats when you think about it, so a capybara is like a fat, semi-aquatic cat. And that’s awesome.

I’ve read that capybaras are social animals, so you could easily wrangle enough to make some cheese, plus they bark like dogs, so you’d feel pretty relaxed while milking one.  In all honesty I can’t see a downside to making capybara cheese at all.

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