Christmas music exists so Staples has something to make you want to leave the story during the month of December. Somehow they get their hands on playlist of about 1000 “different” songs, which are really about 100 songs, but 10 different versions of each. You can only listen to O-Town sing Little Drummer Boy so many times before B2K’s version becomes insulting to you.
Nonetheless, of all the Christmas music out there, little is more derided than the Christmas rap, mostly due to rap not really lending itself to the jolly good cheer sentiment often found in most Christmas songs that were written during pre-Industrialized times. And modern Christmas songs suck even worse. No offense to anyone who likes Christmas Conga by Cyndi Lauper, but you’re probably going to burn in hell.
That being said, rap is good for laying down phat beats, at least that’s what Gary our intern ells us, and Gary’s been to a basketball game, so he’d know. And what are phat beats good for? Getting’ the ladies. So here are 5 definitive Christmas rap songs (or maybe 4 rap songs and 1 soul song) that not only exemplify the best of the season, but the best chance you’ll have of seducing some yuletide honeys this year, assuming you’re in a pretty terrible neighborhood where people don’t now any better.
This isn’t just a bad ass Christmas song, this is gold 365 days a year. Backdoor Santa is the heartwarming tale of a man who will violate your lady once you go to work, just like Santa presumably does, only this guy comes more than once a year. Do you get that joke? We do too and it’s awesome! Put this on for your lady friend and in no time she’ll be asking you to park Rudolph in her stables. No? She’ll be asking you to deck her halls with your golden balls. Asking you to plop your Christmas pudding in her knick knack drawer. Asking you to whack her chocolate orange with your dreidel. Ahh, f*ck it.
Christmas is one thing Kurtis Blow knows. He says so in the lyrics and if he’s lying that’s an asshole thing to do. But judging from the rest of his lyrics, his tale is legit. Plus, at about 1:37 in this video you get a shot of a guy who appears to be wearing khaki overalls in the audience, so you now this is bad ass stuff you’re experiencing and not a concentration camp’s last march or anything.
Mr. Blow manages to rhyme “too” with “stereo” at one point, simply by saying steryoo, which you may recognize as not a word at all and more of a “total bullshit”. You may also recognize this as a wicked technique used to further his funky tale no matter that cost and that’s sure to please your lady friends. You can try it yourself sometime, maybe whip up a quick, seductive rap like ‘Hey baby, you are the bomb, I’d like to see your vagomb.” See that? Rhyme.
White Christmas Rap
You may notice that this is a poor quality Batman fan fic thing for literally three whole, goddamn ridiculous minutes. There’s a hipster Joker and Batman who eschewed going to Morgan Freeman for his gear and instead went right to the local dump. Three solid minutes. And then, out of nowhere, a group of people old enough to know better start riffing on Eminem and you’re still left wondering what the hell any of this has to do with Christmas, and why are your gonads starting to hurt. That’s nature trying to neuter you before you risk passing the genetic memory of this piece of shit on. But don’t give up yet, things are about to get sexy!
Oh yeah, bitches, it’s time for a montage of people in their 30’s. This whole thing was filmed at an awful dinner party after too much Zinfandel, and this is exactly the crowd you want to tap (as in ass tapping) when you play this to set the mood. You want ladies (they can’t be called girls anymore, alas…) who will recognize the music from the radio station their kids listen to, if they listen to an oldies station, since Without Me was released in what, 2002?
This video is actually made by Broadway actors and Slim Batman there played in the original Broadway cast of White Christmas, which seems to be something of the point behind this video. Plus (we had to research this) it contains Broadway actor cameos. And that means if you know a desperately lonely theatre fan (ha! like there’s another kind) this is precisely the video to not get the juices, which she doesn’t have from years of being dry and frigid and awful, flowing.
I F*cking Love Christmas
I appreciate that this is a joke song and all, but I felt it merited a mention due to the dude singing it not only looking like the son of Canadian rock legend Tom Cochrane, but also because both men look vaguely like they have Graves Disease. Isn’t that weird?
That said, show me a woman who isn’t turned on by a foul mouthed Aussie with potential Thyroid issues and I’ll show you a woman with class.
This video is what you see before you die in a train crash. Did you even know Japanese rap was a thing? There’s nothing that prevents it from existing, but did you ever even imagine it existed? Can you make your brain imagine it independent of this video? It’s like trying to imagine the taste of red or what hate smells like.
There’s actually a verse in this when a little fella raps about a bottle of sake. That’s so meta-insane as to be nearly unbelievable. Later he says tonight we’re going to have a man-to-man so sacred moments accumulate in the air, which I think is Japanarap for a facial, but I can’t be sure. Still, it sets the mood for the kind of girl who wants to drink sake, get a facial and be mildly weirded out by characters from Final Fantasy at a rooftop party.