We here at Holy Taco had older brothers, so we basically grew up watching horror movies (and getting the ass beat out of us) on a regular basis. But, after re-watching some of those classic horror movies when we got a little older, we saw them in a very different light. With Halloween coming up next weekend, we thought we’d look back at five classic horror movies and ask the 10-year-old you and the 24-year-old you to review them. Here’s what you had to say:
10-Year-Old You Says: This movie was so scary I had to ask my dad to look in my closet and under my bed after I watched it. It’s about this guy who kills his sister and then goes crazy and they have to take him to a crazy house cause he’s bad. But he gets out and follows this girl while he’s wearing a mask and there is scary music playing. And then in this one part, this guy is in the kitchen and he’s wearing glasses and then the bad kid, who’s grown up now and killing everyone, grabs his neck and takes a knife and stabs him in his chest and sticks him to the wall. And he’s just stuck there in the air with the knife in him.
24-Year-Old You Says: Man, this movie totally sucked. It took forever for anything to happen cause it was nothing but this dude standing far away in a mask for the first hour and twenty minutes. Like that’s supposed to scare me. On the upside, there were some titties in the very beginning when that little dude slashes up his sister, but, like, the titties were getting stabbed, so it was kind of weird. Then there were some titties, like, an hour later, but by then I was totally snoozing. I also heard that Jamie Lee Curtis was born with a dong. That shit’s crazy, man! They shoulda totally showed that dude in the mask stabbing her dong. That would’ve been awesome.
FRIDAY THE 13TH, PART III
10-Year-Old You Says: Jason is THE most biggest killer ever. He totally doesn’t care who he kills cause he goes around with a machete getting revenge for his mom. She got killed in the first one cause she thought he was killed by a camper. But he came back and now he just kills everyone. This is the first one where Jason gets his hockey mask cause he stole it from a fat kid he killed who was trying to scare everyone. But then Jason totally killed him. Then he shot a spear in this girl’s eye and at the end his mask comes off and his face is totally gross cause he’d been underwater and had gotten killed before. I asked my mom to leave the hall light on after I watched this one, and I asked her if it’s okay if I never go in water ever again, and she said no.
24-Year-Old You Says: This movie was supposed to be in 3-D, but I guess their 3-D machines totally sucked back in the 80s cause shit just looks blurry when something is supposed to be coming out of the screen. Lame. And there were almost zero titties in this one. And there was a shower scene! What the hell? I mean, it’s already rated R. Might as well toss in a few ta-tas here and there. Na’mean, bro? Although, this one part was pretty awesome when this guy is walking on his hands and then he looks up and Jason takes an axe to his crotch and cuts him in half. I’m totally going to do that to my boss, Duane. I f*ckin’ hate that guy.
10-Year-Old You Says: My friend Billy has that scary Scream mask and sometimes when I sleep over he turns off the lights and we take turns putting it on and scaring each other. He even puts on a black banket just like the guy in the movie and runs down his hallway. One time we got in trouble cause I actually thought he was the killer and I started crying and his mom got mad and made us stop and I had to go home.
24-Year-Old-You Says: To be honest, man, I was so wasted when I saw this that I really don’t remember anything about it. Did Drew Barrymore get stabbed in the tits or something? I should see this again. My bad. I went as that Scream dude this one Halloween. I had no costume, so I just bought that mask at Walgreens and went to this party where I totally hooked up with this chick. She was dressed as a naughty nurse…or a naughty cop…shit. She was a naughty something and she was totally hot, dude. It was an awesome party.
A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET
10-Year-Old You Says: Freddy Krueger used to kill children so all the parents in the town burned his house down. Then Freddy came back in their kids’ dreams and would kill them using this cool knife glove. He kills them in their sleep, but they die in real life. And their parents don’t believe that Freddy’s killing them cause they think they’re just nightmares. Then the girl sets her alarm so she’ll wake up right as she’s fighting Freddy and bring him into the real world so her cop dad can arrest Freddy and send him to jail. But instead she has to kill him with all these traps she set for him in her house, but Freddy kills her mom anyway before he dies.
24-Year-Old You Says: Dude! Johnny Depp totally got his ass handed to him this movie! That was, by far, the best part. My gf has this super huge crush on him, so it was awesome to see him get sucked into that bed and turned into that spout of blood. When I saw that I went up to her and was all, "Where’s your boyfriend now, huh? You still think he’s hot when he’s all blood and shit coming out of that bed?" She just told me to shut up and didn’t give me a b-job that night. That sucked, but it was still worth seeing that pretty boy get what was coming to him. My one problem with this movie, though, is why does Freddy talk all the time? He’s trying to be some kind of corny-ass joke-telling comedian instead of slicing the shit out of dudes like Johnny Depp. If he would’ve shut the hell up for two seconds he could’ve killed the shit out of Depp 10 minutes into this flick. I think that Robert Englund guy still goes around to conventions dressed as Freddy. That’s so sad. Get a life, dude.
10-Year-Old You Says: I didn’t understand this movie at all. I got kind of bored in the middle and started playing with my G.I. Joes.
24-Year-Old You Says: Dude. Seriously, this is the scariest movie you will ever see in your life. I am not joking, dude. I almost shit myself when that little kid started screaming "Redrum!" at his mom. And then you see that he’s yelling "murder." Shit man, it still gives me shivers. And those little dead twins covered in blood? God. Sooooo freaky. HOLY SHIT! I almost forgot about the super old nasty-ass naked lady in the bathtub. Could you imagine seeing that shit?!?! You would fuckin’ die, dude. You would seriously fucking die. I heard about this one kid who watched this on mushrooms and he had to go to the hospital and he didn’t talk for like a month straight. Totally insane. This movie will freak you the fuck out. Also, Jack Nicholson gets beemed in the head with a f*ckin’ bat. It’s awesome.