So there’s a Green Lantern movie on the way. Thor, a Spiderman reboot, Batman, Captain America, Superman, Deadpool, Magneto, Wolverine and who knows what else. That’s a lot of ground to cover and a lot of potential stories. And, if history is any indicator, a full 60% of those movies are going to suck hole. Hard. However, nothing is set in stone yet (except for the movies that have already been written and/or filmed, but shut up) and there’s always a chance for awesome. So Hollywood, you’re right down the street from our office. Take heed. We’re doing this for your own good. Make these movies. Make dreams come true.
So maybe this movie is completely finished and coming out in about 4 months but Hollywood is the land of magic (and hookers) so if the right people get the message, maybe they can make some changes in post production.
Heroes: To get the ball rolling, you’re really going to need to limit the amount of screen time Thor has, because really, no one likes Thor. He’s like Aquaman, only for hammers instead of trout. Better to make use of Scarlett Johansson’s character from Iron Man, only instead of that character, which also wasn’t so good, make her something like one of those chicks from Gen 13. Remember that comic? If not, it involves cleavage and typical mid-90’s Image comic storylines that went nowhere.
Villains: Thor’s villain is Loki, who’s potentially cool, but very old school. Getting kids to like him would be like getting them to play Atari. Instead, let’s see if we can’t get Scarlett to do double duty as the Joker. Doesn’t make sense? That’s what people say about genius all the time.
Story: I could have looked into what the real story for this movie is, but I’ll assume it follows much the same pattern that every Marvel movie that introduces us to a new character does. The happy-go-lucky intro to the character, the semi-predictable catalyst that puts them in the hero position, the moment when everything gets out of hand and the shit hits the fan and then the conflict resolution at the end that leaves it open for a sequel. So let’s not change that, only make sure the conflict has a lot of Scarlett-on-Scarlett chest heaving.
Cliffhanger: At the end of the movie, all four of Scarlett’s breasts are approached by Sam Jackson and asked to be in the Avengers. Wow!
Like every normal kid, I never read Dr. Strange. He looked like Vincent Price with spray hair and a cape. And he’s a wizard or some shit. Meh.
Heroes: You probably should have Dr. Strange in this movie for the benefit of whatever guy invented him whose mom probably wants some validation. So you’ll need some kind of gimmick casting to keep this interesting for everyone else. My vote is to be avante-garde and cast Eliza Dushku or Bianca Beauchamp. Women can be doctors. Don’t be so oppressive.
Villains: All of the villains Dr. Strange has, that I am aware of, are completely idiotic. I think there’s one called Dormamu who was typically drawn in a man shape with black lines and orange background. There was no face or anything, just lame. It may have been the least creative comic book character since Captain Canuck. So just to be safe. Dr. Strange should be fighting a really obscure disease, like Dr. House would.
Story: Dr. Strange, wizard and brilliant but angry doctor, has a secret addiction to painkillers and never shaves, yet never grows a full beard. How? Why? Whilst banging chicks half his age in a would-be professional environment, he runs afoul of a mysterious new disease that causes people to cast Nic Cage in movies. Can Dr. Strange prevent Ghost Rider 2? Time will tell.
Cliffhanger: After Dr. Strange seems about to soften up, he tosses out a sarcastic quip towards his coworkers, including his boss who shows too much cleavage for a woman in her position, and hobbles off as Nic Cage rides into frame with a preposterous haircut.
There were two Swamp Thing movies in the 1980’s and, in fairness, both kicked so much ass you don’t even know. Swamp Thing, of course, is a swamp monster. So he’s like plant goo, but he’s alive.
Heroes: Swamp Thing, being a green monster, needs a powerful presence behind the make up to make him work. I would propose Steve Buscemi. He seems swampy.
Villains: To the best of my knowledge, Swamp Thing’s nemesis is pollution and assholes in the swamp. So a dirty asshole would make for the ideal villain. So Colin Farrell?
Story: Mild Mannered Steve Buscemi is an indy-actor who is rather off putting to look at but takes well to both serious and comedic roles. Whilst filming a low budget black comedy about alligator poachers, he gets lost in the swamp. Trying to find his way home, he stumbles upon a massive toxic waste dump in the middle of the swamp, because swamp land is the best place to hide both toxic waste and bodies. A sinkhole opens up and Mr. Buscemi drowns in toxic sludge.
Sludge, swamp and indy actor combine to make swamp Thing. This may be strikingly similar to the plot of the original Swamp Thing. Minus Steve Buscemi. But yeah, so he has plant sensibilities now and Colin Farrell is the guy who owns the toxic waste or whatever. 50 minutes later, movie ends.
Cliffhanger: There’s an Indian burial ground under the toxic waste dump. And let’s say the Penguin lives in it.
Christ, this one has pretty much 0 potential, doesn’t it? Aquaman has been the butt of so many jokes for so long, it’s getting to be pretty sad. Sure, they tried to revamp the comic and make him cool by giving him a harpoon hand, of all dumbshittery, along with putting Kevin Smith on writing duty, but at the end of the day you can’t sweep his long, sordid history of being a dude in fish scale tights under the mat.
Heroes: Aquaman has to reasonably be in his own movie, but let’s say we retool the story a bit and he’s not a fish-f*cker any more, he’s a guy who owns a bottled water empire who gets caught up in a massive tainted water scandal and is set up as the fall guy by his crooked VP and some board members. He loses everything important in his life and has to team up with the husband of one of the victims of his tainted water to clear his own name. It’s a gripping, fast-paced thriller in the vein o John Grisham or whoever else writes those kinds of things. Cast Matthew McConaughey and it’ll be aces.
Villains: The VP. To keep the theme we can name him Fishman or something. Let’s cast Luke Perry.
Story: I kind of detailed it up there in the Heroes part.
Cliffhanger: Once he clears his name, he mistakenly drinks some tainted water and is granted the power to communicate with fish. Holy shit!
The Sandman is arguably one of the greatest comics ever written so there’s equal parts anticipation for it ever being filmed and fear of how badly it will get screwed whenever it does. Mostly it’s about the Lord of Dreams and some other people whose names begin with D.
Heroes: Goth and emo kids will flock to this movie, so a statement should be made with casting. Everyone expects Johnny Depp to play Dream. Cast Jake Busey instead. And Death should be played by Scarlett Johansson. Destruction can be Rowdy Roddy Piper. Destiny can be Christopher Walken and Delirium should be Courtney Love. Danny DeVito can take Despair. Cast Gary Busey as Matthew the Raven.
Villains: Depending on what story you’re telling here, there could arguably be no villain. But if there has to be one, we’re going to request the Joker again.
Story: Lots of ground to cover here. If you change the source material, fan boys will probably castrate you (online, as none have the grip strength to do it for real), so you need to introduce the character and decide what story works best. Seasons of Mists is the logical choice because it takes place in Hell, which everyone likes, and features cat boobs. No, for real.
Cliffhanger: Dream gets rid of Hell but discovers Brandon Routh and the cast of Superman Returns there, wondering what happened to their film franchise.