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The 5 Creepiest Non-Porn Things On the Internet

creepy

The internet is full of awfulness, just like most things in the world but when writing a focused article like this we have to pretend like it stands out in some way. It’s kind of like how people think sexting is ruining the morality of the youth of America, in much the same way they thought rap was, or punk music, or Elvis. Probably bloomers were blamed for that once too, but anyway. So yeah, most of the awful on the internet is found on sites you have to pay to access and that’s a given, so let’s ignore that. Instead, let’s focus on not what the terrible site owners offer, but what users do on the internet, good people like you and me who, under a shield of anonymity, become deplorable, wretched individuals.

Fetishes – I said no porn, and I’m sticking to it. This isn’t porn exactly, it’s things like this terrifying photo.

furries

These people are furries and furries are not usual. Had you ever heard of furries before the internet was invented? If you said yes, it’s because you took a wrong turn in life and ended up somewhere with furries before the internet existed, which is literally insane. Literally.

Before the internet made every wrong thing easily accessible, it probably stayed in a quiet little corner of California, or maybe New York, and absolutely Japan, not bothering anyone. Things like slash fiction, yaoi, hentai, adult babies, 2 Girls 1 Cup and a whole pantload of other unsettling things only existed in a secret room in the basement of that guy at work who always eats cheese sandwiches. And the rest of us were better off.

After Al Gore’s menace showed up, Cheese Man went online and started publishing his stories about Spock giving handjobs to Darth Vader on usenet groups and that gave every other terrifying psyche in the world a venue to confess their deviant leanings to likeminded shut-ins, psychopaths and people whose parents were cousins.

Waiting for chicks to turn 18 – What do Miley Cyrus, The Olsen Twins, Lindsay Lohan and Hayden Panettiere all have in common? If you guessed a meth addiction, I have no comment. But they were also subject to the creepily perverse countdown to their 18th birthday that has become so popular it has its own website. To say that another way, virtual sex offenders have designed an entire website that has no other purpose than to keep track of when underaged girls officially become legal.

hermione

She’s old enough to bunk with me! yay!

The mind boggles at the potential reasoning for this. Do the would-be sex offenders think that, once the girls turn 18, they are going to go on a quest to find random internet perverts with which to have sex? Or have they just been sitting on a storehouse of fake pornographic images they’re eager to distribute to the rest of the pervs who will greasily and unwholesomely flog their bits to said images?

Whatever the reason, every time a popular child actress is within a year or two of her 18th birthday, people who haven’t gotten to pedophile in their dictionary yet celebrate by crowding message boards with eerie, offputting messages that actually, physically make you need to bathe.

Teledildonics - If you’re not familiar with this word, it may be because you have a soul. Anyway, teledildonics is the name some curious technophile crafted for sex toys you can use remotely. So you hook up a USB dildo and then someone in Uruguay controls it with a Flash program, or something like that.

teledildonics

Take the money, just don’t hurt me.

Arguably, nature created three dimensions to keep certain people away from one another. You shouldn’t be allowed to be probed by someone on the other side of the world. You really shouldn’t. Before the internet this was never a problem. Sure, you could go on vacation to Costa Rica and maybe get an infection from a girl selling bananas on a street corner, but it’s not quite the same and it requires booking the event with a travel agent. Teledildonics requires you to blow the dust out of your USB port and put a towel on your chair so your ass sweat doesn’t stain the fabric.

Dong – Again, not porno, but bearing a tertiary relationship to it. Before the internet, how many strange dicks did you witness in the average year? Probably not many, and if you did, the guy who showed you was likely on the news that night. Now you’re almost guaranteed to see dick if you go to a personals site, or, God forbid, some site like Chatroulette. If you have logged into Chatroulette in ever, you have seen dick.

censored

Can you even imagine a business that operated the same way Chatroulette does? Like if you walked into any Taco Bell, anywhere in the world, and just as you’re about to order a chalupa, the guy with the sour cream gun comes over, says “hey” and then just slaps his tool down on the counter and you have to look at it for at least a second. And for some reason, all you do is turn and look at someone else. You don’t leave, you don’t complain, you just keep doing what you’re doing until the manager comes out and dangles his balls over your nachos, and then you just turn away again.

Hobos – Far be it from me to start complaining about the homeless, what am I, a dick? For those who don’t know, that’s a joke. I write about hobos all the time (pause for laughter). Anyway, across the whole of the world, there’s really only a few people who should never have a web presence; the Amish come to mind. I say that knowing full well there’s Amish porn out there. But or the most part, those barn rasing types have no need to be online. Some primitive jungle tribes deep in South America don’t really need to be on the internet either. These are the people for whom metal is pretty advanced science. And then there’s hobos.

bum sex

Arguable people who have no homes really don’t need blogs or whatever, but that’s not the issue here. It’s not even pictures of hobo signs, or Bum Fights or pictures of crazy hobos acting all crazy. It’s porn. Sorta.

There is hobo porn on the internet. There’s a whole site about it. But this list isn’t about porn and neither is my problem with the hobo porn. It’s the hobo part.

In my capacity as a comedy writer and compulsive wanker, I have seen all kinds of porn. I have seen porn that has charred the edges of my soul and left e questioning y very existence. But every goddamn person in those filthy, terrible videos and pictures probably had at least a loft space to call home. You should not hump on the internet if you use a rat as a pillow when you sleep.

15 Responses to "The 5 Creepiest Non-Porn Things On the Internet"

  1. Grammarnazi says:

    Ian. Irony. You do not know it.

  2. Ian Fortey says:
    ironic.
  3. coma says:

    these were all pretty close to porn

  4. Dr POoPenHEiNZ says:

    i love irony

  5. Anonymous2 says:

    d’oh! second!

  6. XIng WOo says:

    Wow, Emma Watson is so hit, Id hit that right now!

    Lou
    http://www.real-anonymity.es.tc

  7. eBay Secrets says:

    Sending a girl a picture of my stuff doesn’t get her excited?

  8. Ian Fortey says:
    non-porn.
  9. Every Woman In The Solar System says:

    You forgot one:

    6) Ian Fortey

  10. Ian Fortey says:
    No, I think I have a pretty firm grasp on it.  I think perhaps you might be a little confused though.  Have a seat and a drink of water if you need to, it’s cool.
  11. Flimmy says:

    Irony = The use of wording expressing something other then it’s literal intention. Now that….is…Irony!

    And you don’t know it dildo.

  12. dat dude says:

    first

  13. Every woman in the solar system says:

    every word Ian Fortey writes is made of sex, which can be awkward when I think about him in public but is totally worth it