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5 Curiously Obscene Fruits

 

Everyone loves a picture gallery of green peppers that look vaguely like penis or boobs.  Except me!  When I want obscene fruits and veggies, I go to the source.  Mother Nasty Nature.  She’s a saucy old tart and she can give you the goods.  Just look at this heaping helping of raunch.

Rambutan

This fruit looks like old balls, straight up.  Look at this wiry hairs.  You ever have a time in your life when you thought gym fees were just crazy and you were in a crap job anyway, so you’d save a few bucks by working out at the Y instead?  And then you go to the Y and you swim or whatever, and you get in the locker room and you’re getting your shit together and then in struts this old guy who’s gotta be at least 60 but probably older and the son of a bitch will not get dressed.  He just won’t.  He will wander that locker room buck ass naked, maybe put a leg up on a bench to talk to you even, and this terrifyingly decrepit victims of gravity will hang between his legs, like two dense spheres of pure iron suspended in the thinnest of condoms, covered in steel wool fragments.  That’s kind of what rambutan looks like.

Fig

Figs are traditionally a sexy fruit, which is a bad way to start a sentence.  Anything that’s ‘traditionally’ something is usually not that thing.  Or just a shitty example.  Look at traditional medicine.  Say, you got cancer?  Eat this pinecone.

Anyway, someone got it in their head at some point that an open fig looks like the vag.  I never want to travel back in time if that’s what vagina looked like in any point in history.  Had no one ever said there was some similarity then this fruit would happily stay off the list and you could eat your Newtons without worrying that you were committing a sex crime.  But that didn’t happen and now you have to look at these seedy, brown things and wonder who the first guy was who said “hey, you know what, yeah, that looks like lady bits.”  That dude was probably a virgin and just trying to sound knowledgeable.

Passion Fruit

Passion fruit makes this list for two reasons, one being ironic.  Though sometimes listed as an aphrodisiac and all that jazz, it’s not called “passion” for any sexy reason, it’s that other passion, the Jesus one.  I guess the plant it grows on looks like Mel Gibson or something.  If you look it up, some folks will call it an obvious aphrodisiac,  so if your name is Richard, consider marketing a line of platform shoes as Dick Embiggeners and see if the name just tricks people into buying it.

Traditionally (yeah, I know what I just said), passion fruit was never an aphrodisiac.  It’s really just the confusion over the name.  But that spurned on the second reason as some people tried to figure out what made it sexy, and they came up with the fig excuse – it looks sexy.  Listen kids, the inside of a passion fruit looks like hot, yellow mess.  If that turns you on then you are a bad man.

Finger Citron

Everyone enjoys a good fiddle now and then, but this fruit is creepy and weird.  They call it the Buddha’s Hand, but if Buddha had hands like this he would never be using them to grope boobies because gross.  Not that I suspect Buddha was much of a boobie groper, but he so could have been.  Chicks love enlightenment.

Of course this fruit is not considered sexy, but it’s got a sure fire creep vibe mostly born from my sophomoric focus on the finger part of its name.  This is the hand that fingers you after it drives up in its van with blacked out windows and the stink of caramel and chloroform wafting out the back door.  This is the kind of fingering old people are down with.  If Mr. Burns was going to do some lady, she’d have to deal with bony, yellow fingers just like these scratching across her soft bits.  Eew.

Pawpaw

Here is a picture you should look at;

On the right there is a pawpaw cluster.  On the left are neuticles, the prosthetic testicles you can buy for your neutered dog. So, just to be clear, pawpaw fruit looks like your dog’s balls.

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