5 Cyber Ways to Celebrate Cyber Monday

Happy Birthday Cyborgs!  Yes, it’s another Cyber Monday and that means you’re legally required to pleasure or be pleasured by a machine today.  But is that all there is to Cyber Monday?  Ha ha, yes.  The end.

Just joshin’ ya!  Oh man, did you stop reading?  It’s OK, we still got the pageview!  But if you’re still here, the real answer to last paragraph’s question was no, it’s not all there is.  It’s the best part, but there are so many ways to enjoy a good cyber Monday and many of them won’t get you dead or in jail. I’m going to be honest though, a full half of them will get you dead or in jail guaranteed, and the others are borderline.  Are you ready for some cyber fun (see what I did there?  Cyber yeah ya did!)?  Let’s go!

Cyber sex

Webster’s defines “Cyber sex” as the act of not realizing the 24 year old, oversexed woman with whom you are being vulgar is a married man in his late 30’s who hasn’t showered since Thursday.  The tradition in fact predates the internet when it was simply ‘phone sex’, and before that ‘letter sex’ and before that simply ‘yelling down the way sex.’  For a brief period the truly libidinous in the mid 1800’s enjoyed ‘Telegraph Sex’ and could be heard at all hours moaning and beeping.

If you’re comfortable with the man-pretending-to-be-a-woman you’re about to engage in online coitus with, the matter is a fairly simple one, you do something akin to the following;

HolyTacoFan69:  Hey baby.  I’m so hot right now

NotaManISwear77:  Good, me too.

HolyTacoFan69:  Sweet.  Let me help you get out of those culottes.

NotaManISwear77:  Mmm, yeah – wait, what are those?

HolyTacoFan69:  You know, it’s like a skort

NotaManISwear77:  A what?

HolyTacoFan69:  Looks like a skirt but it’s really shorts?

NotaManISwear77:  Oh yeah.  Culottes, really?

HolyTacoFan69:  Yeah, it’s French.  Like this!  *Tongue kisses you deeply*

NotaManISwear77:  Mmm, you ate peanut butter today

HolyTacoFan69:  Yeah, because here, I’m not even allergic.  And that turns you on.  I have a sexy immune system.

NotaManISwear77:  So sexy baby, let me stroke it.

HolyTacoFan69:  Yeah, stroke it.  I guess.

NotaManISwear77:  Mmm, my cutlettes are getting wet.

HolyTacoFan69:  Culottes

NotaManISwear77:  Oh geez, I think it autocorrected.

HolyTacoFan69:  That’s a good one, you should screencap it.

NotaManISwear77:  That’s not all I’m going to screencap baby, if you know what I mean.

HolyTacoFan69:  I don’t

NotaManISwear77:  I mean this *plays with your man sausage*

HolyTacoFan69:  Oh, I like that.  Yeah!

NotaManISwear77:  Yeah!

HolyTacoFan69:  Yeah!

NotaManISwear77:  Yeah!

Continue this until orgasm is achieved and then you must disconnect immediately without explanation whether the other person is done yet or not.  Avoid contact with them for at least 3 days then, when you get back on, just say your wireless signal cut out on you.

Cyber Bullying

Cyber Bullying is a lot like Cyber Sex, only when you get off, the other person should be weeping and afraid to go outside.  Like more than after the sex.  You need to get online with someone, ideally someone you hate or, if you’re a terrible parent/human being, someone your child hates, and just harass them for as long as it takes them to realize they can shut their computer off.  Let’s just jump to the example, you’ll see;

HolyTacoFan69:  Hey twat.

UltraWuss77:  what?

HolyTacoFan69:  You heard me.

UltraWuss77:  My speakers aren’t on.

HolyTacoFan69:  Well, you read me.  Twat.

UltraWuss77:  Who is this?

HolyTacoFan69:  Your worst nightmare – the Twat Exterminator

UltraWuss77:  That’s a thing?

HolyTacoFan69:  Huh?

UltraWuss77:  That’s a job?

HolyTacoFan69:  No, it’s just me calling you a twat.

UltraWuss77:  But you don’t even know me.

HolyTacoFan69:  Yes I do.  I can smell twat from a mile away

UltraWuss77:  I’m not sure that makes sense.  But if it does, it’s gross.

HolyTacoFan69:  It is gross.  Gross that you stink like twat from a mile off.

UltraWuss77:  So you live a mile away?

HolyTacoFan69:  I don’t know, I’m not going to Mapquest it.  Twat.

UltraWuss77:  Stop saying that.

HolyTacoFan69:  Or what?  You gonna cry?  Cry, you little twat!  Get all blubbery.  Blubbery twat.

UltraWuss77:  That sounds really gross.

HolyTacoFan69:  Ha ha!  Sure does!  Blubber Twat!

UltraWuss77:  Eew.  I’m leaving!

HolyTacoFan69:  To cry?  Ha ha!  JUST DON’T EVER GO TO THE LIVING ROOM AGAIN!

UltraWuss77:  Dad?

HolyTacoFan69 has signed off

Cyber the X-men Villain

If you only know Wolverine from movies, you may not be aware that he had his own comic book and his own specific villains and everything, and all of his villains have almost the exact same back story for some reason – dude way back in the day worked covert military, was a mutant, was experimented on, now hates Wolverine and probably has claws of his own.  There’s Sabertooth, there’s Omega Red, Silver Samurai, Lady Deathstrike and there’s Cyber.  His skin is made of the same metal as Wolverine’s claws, so when they fight it’s a lot of clever metallic sound effects like “ching” and “klang” and such.  Dress up as him for Cyber Monday!

Cyber Punk

If you’ve seen Blade Runner, the Matrix, Johnny Mnemonic (sorry if you saw that) or A Scanner Darkly then you’ve seen Hollywood’s understanding of cyberpunk, which is what happens when you decide computers can do anything and the sun rarely shines.  Plus people wear trench coats and leather a lot.  And have neural implants. Fun!

You can Cyber Punk your Monday super easily by wearing unusual make up, a vinyl jacket, a Mohawk, or tazing your own groin and then saying things like “l33t” or “hax0rz” or “Phillip K Dick.”  Also, you should hate the system and realize that huge, mega-corporations only exist because they want to experiment on you or turn you into a slave or something.

Cyber Crime

Cyber Crime is what happens when cyber sex and cyber bullying just don’t do it for you any more and you need a new level of thrills that don’t require you to stand.  The great thing about cyber crime is that you’re not limited by geography.  Back in the day you had to rob the 7-11 down the street, but now you can rob the government of New Zealand.  Having never committed a cyber crime ourselves, we’ve gleaned from movies that these tend to be winners;

• Shut down all the power in America
• Cyber steal the Mona Lisa somehow
• Hack something that has initials for a name
• Be Tron
• Take over the government’s nuclear capability and hold the world hostage
• Steal Sandra Bullock’s identity
• Cover up your antitrust issues to avoid jail time