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5 Days You Never Want to Re-Live

 
Today is Groundhog Day, which means it’s the perfect day to watch one of the best movies ever: Groundhog Day.  When you’re watching this awesome movie about Bill Murray re-living the same day for eternity, you’re going to start thinking about the days of your life that you’d never want to re-live.  Luckily, we’ve already done the work for you.  Here are five days of your life that you’d never want to re-live:
 
The Day You Got Horrible Food Poisoning
 
When I was a Junior in college, I took a trip to Italy with my girlfriend.  Neither of us spoke Italian, so when we stopped for lunch we just pointed to something on the menu and ate whatever they brought to us.  Lunch roulette turned out to be a bad idea, and I got the bullet.  Six hours later, I was sitting in the bathtub shitting and vomiting simultaneously.  My violent, wet farts were echoing wildly around the marble bathroom, and my girlfriend was laughing at me through the crack in the door.  I was too sick to properly discard of the turds that were to big to slide down the tub drain, so I laid in them until morning.  That was a pretty bad day, and if you’ve ever had food poisoning, you’ve had a similar experience that you have absolutely no desire to re-live ever again, let alone for eternity.
 
What You’d Do Differently:
If you were forced to relive that experience, the first thing you should do is to pick a hotel room with softer walls and less echo.  A locking bathroom door would be good, too.  Also, try not to fall asleep in a tub of your own shit, because it’ll eventually lead to you being startled awake by your girlfriend laughing hysterically and pointing at a giant hunk of watery turd that’s stuck to your knee.
 
The Day You Pissed Your Pants in School
 

If you’re a normal person, this day was probably sometime between first and fifth grade.  If you’re someone who writes at Holy Taco, this day was probably more like 8th grade, but it was entirely circumstantial and you shouldn’t be blamed for it, even though you were way too old to be pissing your pants at that time.  Maybe if the teacher hadn’t been such a raging bitch who enforced her "absolutely no leaving the room during a test" policy like a Nazi border guard, and if you hadn’t taken your friend up on his "Thirstbuster Challenge" at lunch, you wouldn’t have had to endure what turned out to be the most humiliating experience of your misspent youth.
 
What You’d Do Differently:
The most valuable lesson you learned in Junior High and High School was how to hide an involuntary boner.  Whether it’s wearing the right pants or just some strategic binder/backpack positioning, a boner is not difficult to conceal, once you’ve had some practice.  You’d likely apply some of these strategies to your pants-pissing problem with equally successful results, with the exception that you’d smell like warm piss for the rest of the day.
 
The Day You Had a Dentist’s Appointment
 
When I was growing up, I had a dentist that really liked to tickle me.  I know how that sounds, but the tickling came from a totally non-pedo place.  At least I think it did.  This behavior continued well into my teens, which compounds the wierdness of it all.  One time my dad took me to the dentist for a cleaning, and the dentist tickled me in front of my dad for about fifteen minutes, then started the cleaning.  He found a cavity, jabbed the nerve with a pick a few times, and then told my dad that he needed to work on it that very minute.  The numbing shot didn’t work (of course), and he drilled right into my nerve, causing a pain so severe that I vomited on my bib.  He tried to ease the awkwardness by tickling me again, but it wasn’t fun anymore.  That day sucked pretty bad, and everyone has a dentist story that falls into the same category as this one: days you’d never want to remember again, let alone re-live over and over for eternity.

What You’d Do Differently:
Start by going to a dentist that doesn’t like to tickle teenaged boys.  Then, try using a toothbrush every now and then.  That’d be your best bet.
 
The Day You Saw Chronicles of Riddick in Theaters
 
Chronicles of Riddick is easily one of the shittiest movies ever made, and you’re an idiot for having paid the full ticket price to see it even once. Doing this every day for the rest of time would make you feel like a complete retard, but that’s not the worst of it: you’d also have to watch Chronicles of Riddick every single day, and that movie is f*cking terrible.  You know this now, of course, but at the time you were purchasing a ticket for the sequel to Pitch Black, and Pitch Black was awesome.  How were you supposed to know that Riddick was just a hodgepodge of ripped off scenes and plotlines, retardedly awkward action sequences, and the shittiest dialogue ever to grace the silver screen ("It’s been a long time since I smelled beautiful.")?
 
What You’d Do Differently:
Save yourself twelve bucks and just rent Pitch Black again. Every day. For eternity.
 
The Day You Die
 
If we learned anything from Final Destination, it’s that Devin Sawa has still got what it takes to be a leading man in Hollywood (circa 2000).  If we learned a second thing from that movie, it was that when it’s your time to die, Death will find you no matter what. You can’t escape it.  This means that, even if you do everything in your power to avoid the situation that you know is going to kill you, you’re going to die by other means that day no matter what.  Basically, you’d be constantly re-living a day, trying to avoid death, and then still dying every single time.  That would suck huge donkey balls. Eventually, even committing suicide everyday would get bored, and when committing suicide is boring, that’s how you know you’ve hit rock bottom.
 
What You’d Do Differently:
Everything.  You’d do everything you possibly could to avoid dangerous situations and not die.  Unfortunately, you would never succeed because Death will find you and destroy you no matter what.  It’s not personal. It’s Death. Death is a dickhead, and killing you is just what it does.
 

31 Responses to "5 Days You Never Want to Re-Live"

  1. Hunter says:

    the Riddick comment is funny considering there are two sequels planned, the first is about to start filming

  2. jelly roll says:

    I’ve shit myself twice as an adult.

  3. Captain America says:

    Have your parents teach you some social grace, that’s fucking disgusting. Almost as disgusting as the captcha I have been given, “in mugabe”. Cheers HT

  4. Alice says:

    I think aside from the food poisoning I wouldn’t object to any of the other days being “groundhog-ed”. Everything else can either be avoided or covered up – except for the death. The death one is interesting because you could go on the offensive and just try to go out the most awesome way you can think of. Or just find a way to do it painlessly when the time comes.

    Although I realise that this is basically a list of shitty, non-groundhog-day-specific days.

  5. Gomer says:

    I like to roll around in my shit. I enjoy the squishy feeling.

  6. pratik says:

    Unrelated but relevant: don’t those jackoffs at that groundhog festival have anything better to do with their time?

    They dress up in a top hat and tuxedo just to possibly predict what the weather will be like for the next six weeks.

    I’d rather go to Alabama and look for the leprechaun in the tree.

  7. Wall-e says:

    what a fucking ass, life should not be near death.

  8. Bob? says:

    I enjoyed the Chronicles of Riddick, but then again I didn’t come into it expecting it to be anything like Pitch Black. I mean, what was going to happen? They decide that the planet seemed like an alright vacation destination, head back, then realize, “FFFFFFUUUUU-!”?

    As a stand alone ridiculous sci-fi movie, it’s not that bad. Better than any of the star trek movies by far.

  9. Bobert says:

    I enjoyed the Chronicles of Riddick, but then again I didn’t come into it expecting it to be anything like Pitch Black. I mean, what was going to happen? They decide that the planet seemed like an alright vacation destination, head back, then realize, “FFFFFFUUUUU-!”?

    As a stand alone ridiculous sci-fi movie, it’s not that bad. Better than any of the star trek movies by far.

  10. DonkeyXote says:

    Watch “Starship Troopers” (without the sequel).

    Fucking sweet I thought. Although I might be a bit biased concidering Denise Richards is in it.

    she

    is

    the

    most

    attractive

    woman

    to ever walk this Earth.

    E
    V
    E
    R
    !
    !
    !

  11. whoknows says:

    I would never want to re-live the day that I found out an ex-boyfriend killed himself on my birthday….almost 2 years after the last time I spoke to him! …the poem I had come to me the night before I knew what you really did happen….
    here it goes….

    I live each day in a wind of memories that pass me by… not knowing what tomorrow brings! I smell the flowers; I watch the sun rise and set… I admire the beauty and tranquility in all it’s fashion! Today I stopped… I listened to the whisper…it was ever so softly telling me…. “It whispers: “love me”… But I don’t know how!!! I’m caugh up in my own middle…not knowing where the beginning or the end starts or begins! I’m lost… I’m hurt! I’m confused…I what to know what I did for this to be the end? Why…Why…Why… 01/19/2009 was it by accident…or…. was it your will? I don’t want to be forever knowing your will… I cry tonight because I remember…I cry tonight because I feel… I cry tonight because I’m hurt… I cry tonight because … I don’t know why…………………………………………………………………………………………………ugh!………….breath!!! …………..Tears!!!!……………………..I can see tomorrow, I know what the light can bring…this is my tranquility this is my experience…. maybe it has nothing to do with me?…………………………………….Some how I wish! I cry! I plea! This has nothing to do with me! I have your picture in front of me ….This was love…. what you did was not….I cry for you….how could you? You gave up! I’m lost is this where you wanted me to be? Good you got what you wanted But there is a tomorrow for me!…….. ugh…. hurt…. sigh……….. I wish I could sleep tonight! Jan 21/2009
    Why did you have to make this day haunt me?
    You were love to me , but timing was everythingugh! Tear!
    I wish I didn’t have to see you in an urn tomorrow.
    …………but i did…….along with your girlfiend…. your ex’s in tow just as I….. but you ended on my birthday….why?…. what did u want me to know? babe I did love you you but it i’m really sorry it wasnt enough ……Good bye ~Matthew~ XOXOX Gina!

  12. lauren says:

    well this sucked

  13. nerd says:

    My kidergarten teacher sucked. We had a bathroom in the freaking classroom and I still couldn’t use it for some reason. What a cunt.

  14. alco-hall-ic says:

    word.

  15. tard says:

    I actually shit my pants at recess when I was in 2nd grade. I didn’t mind though because I got to go home for the rest of the day.

  16. The Cow says:

    What would I do differently if I have I had to re-live today over again five times? I wouldn’t read this piece of shit.

    Funny that you rip on Riddick with ” …hodgepodge of ripped off scenes and plotlines …” when HT is a hodgepodge of ripped of sites and their pictures/videos.

  17. Xander Cage says:

    ouchtown population: HT

  18. justin says:
    You’re right, Cow. We should go out every single day and take 25 original pictures of girls standing next to things that look like dicks, instead of just finding them online. Welcome to the internet, n00b.
  19. Dead_Frankz says:

    OWNED!!!

  20. DonkeyXote says:

    ASS LICKER!

  21. clubf00t says:

    fuck u cow, y dont u go and start ur own website with original pic/videos and get the hell out of HT. i thought the article mildly comical

  22. The Cow says:

    I’m telling my mom …. As soon as you get done with her.

  23. Joe says:

    Your examples make no fucking sense, since if you were reliving those things you could CHANGE them and make it a better day. Did you even see the movie?

  24. justin says:
    Oh yeah, you’re right. That’s why Bill Murray woke up in the same room to the same song every day, ran into the same people, ate at the same diner, did the same news report, and had the same conversations. The point of the movie was that he improved his approach to the same exact sequence of events every single day.  Did YOU even see it?
  25. Meeker says:

    With the exception of the last one, you could avoid all of these situations. Nobody is forcing you to go to the dentist. So you just skip the appointment.

    “The day you wake up in the drunk tank in jail” is more of a situation you can’t avoid.

    In the movie, Phil Collins doesn’t have much of a choice to do much different. He’s trapped in a small town with very little to do except the Groundhog festivities. He does manage to branch out and learn how to carve ice sculptures among other things. In the time it took him to learn all the things he did, it was probably several years that he lived this same day. It’s unlikely that he did the news report more than the few times you saw him do it in the movie.

  26. Olala says:

    Dude, that was funny. The bathtub food poisoning – wow. And I barely made the peeing my pants cutoff grade.

  27. Olala says:

    but what I did made was the cutoff-grade to hold my shit turds in my rectum, them things run out like it was nobody’s business. Best dump I took in my life! plus I carried the extra weight in my pants all the way home.

  28. Milfy says:

    Who are these idiots? This was flippin’ hilarious!

  29. JohnnyBeerDrinker says:

    i would rather be alive everyday waiting for death than be F*CKING Dead…..Idiots

  30. nickmare says:

    christ holy taco you pissed your pants in the 8th grade, you had a dentist who tickled you “well into your teens”. its really not the best idea admitting this stuff on the internet

  31. viktor says:

    Joe, You got owned by Justin! This article was hilarious!