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5 Deaths for the Next Final Destination Film


Against all odds, Final Destination is back with its 5th installment. 5 movies deep into a franchise that literally got repetitive in the first movie. It’s kind of hard to wrap your head around but if you’ve seen one, maybe watched two and had no ides they made a three or four you still know what’s going on here because nothing else ever happens in these movies – someone gets a vision of impending doom, avoids it, then dies in a preposterous manner afterwards because Death has it in for them. And while a preposterous death scene is kind of entertaining, they still get stale after a while. In the interests of keeping things fresh, we have some ideas for the inevitable 6th installment.

The Setup: Highschool senior Cody Codyer is all set to head out on a roadtrip with his buddies but has a terrible dream while dozing in traffic. He warns his friends and forces them to abandon their van in the middle of a traffic jam moments before an errant chunk of the Mir space station crashes into a gas truck parked behind a dynamite truck. The resulting explosion kills hundreds! But not Cody and his 4 closest friends. Plus maybe a few extras that can pad out the death count. Whatever.

Clay Blockstone

All star quarterback and guy who boinks the head cheerleader, Clay is a badass who always has sunglasses on, even if he’s indoors where the sun doesn’t exist. After having his life saved by Cody, he still resents missing his vacation and doesn’t believe Cody really did anything.

Wallowing in his own crapulence, Clay goes out drinking at Butthurt Point, polishing off several whole cans of beer before getting behind the while of his El Camino and peeling off into the night. He narrowly misses flying off Exploding El Camino Gorge and makes it to his house where he goes to the bathroom to take a shower. As he starts the water running, a mysterious leak erupts and slowly starts pooling on the tiled floor, edging ever so slightly closer to Clay’s cool ghetto blaster, which is blasting ghetto music.

Just before it’s time to get in the shower, as the water reaches the very edge of the speakers, Clay stops, returns to his room, grabs his belt and hangs it from a hook on the back of his bedroom door. The water is now pooled around the ghetto blaster. Then Clay wraps the end of the belt around his neck and begins to pleasure himself until the pool of water reaches his feet, causing him to slip and strangle himself. The ghetto blaster was a red herring!

Lucy Vagington

The school’s most popular girl, head cheerleader and girlfriend of Clay Blockstone, Lucy Vagington is everything you expect Megan Fox to be when she’s cast in a movie – shallow, hot and one-dimensional. After Clay’s untimely death, a terribly shaken Lucy attends his funeral in a fragile state and tries to take some Valium to calm herself. However, the label from a nearby bottle of prescription rat poison gets covered as the humidity in her bathroom causes the label to peel off and stick to the rat poison bottle instead, because that could happen. As Lucy is about to pop a handful of rat poison, the phone rings. She drops the pills and goes to answer the phone. On the other end it’s Cody Codyer, calling to see how she is doing and comfort her.

As Lucy has always had a crush on Cody, she begins to relax and, after they hang up, she goes to her closet, finds a fashionable belt and wraps it around her neck as she starts pleasuring herself. Unfortunately, she slips on the rat poison and chokes herself right out.

Hank Hunkerton

International male model and all star debate team member, Hank was especially stoked for the roadtrip as he was all set to do a photoshoot for Highschool Hunk magazine with Justin Bieber. Enraged at his missed opportunity and a chance to smell Selena Gomez, Hank tries to bury himself in work at his family business, Hunkerton Knives and Unsteady Racks Incorporated. While in the unsteady rack and knife warehouse, surrounded by many knives on unsteady racks, Hank is overcome with the need to perform a Kevin-Bacon-in-Footloose style angry dance number and begins to dance away his frustrations, knocking knives to and fro and setting the thousands of unsteady knife racks all a-twitch.

As the Kenny Loggins song comes to an end, a hyperventilating Hank pauses for a breather beneath an industrial-sized knife rack that is still swaying unsteadily from his aggressive dance moves. As the knives sway precariously, Hank notices a loose line hanging from the nearest wall and, on a whim, proceeds to wrap it around his own neck and pleasure himself. Seconds later the knife rack falls and a knife pierces his shoe, causing him to stumble back and hang himself.

Beyonce Laquisha

Sassy minority Beyonce is the school’s only non-white student as near as we can tell. She’s fashionable and no-nonsense and talks like PG-13 Cosby. Fun! After Cody saves her life she talks really fast for a while and then decides to go shopping. She does not go home because, presumably, she would have more minority family members there and that seems like overkill.

At the mall, a good portion is roped off for renovations and the noise of power saws and hammers is deafening. Beyonce spends a few moments at her favorite belt store before leaving and heading over to The Gap or Hot Topic or wherever seems trendy these days. She peruses a handful of fashionable hats and then goes to the dressing room to try on brassieres or girdles or some such. On the other side of the dressing room, a circular saw can be heard cutting through some wood as an inattentive construction work slices through some drywall.

As the blade draws dangerously close to the wall on which Beyonce is leaning, her rare but very real psychological disorder kicks in, triggered by the sound of the saw. Beyonce is powerless to resist the overwhelming urge to take one of the brassieres and wrap it about her neck and hang the other end from the clothes hook while she pleasures herself to the sound of the saw. At the last moment, the blade cuts the support for the bench she is sitting on, causing her to fall and hang herself.

Cody Codyer

As all of his friends die around him, Cody tries to be strong for himself and his family by keeping to a routine, which includes attending his regularly scheduled Autoerotic Asphyxiaters Anonymous meetings. During one of these meetings, with the pressure of all of his friends’ deaths weighing on him and the knowledge (thanks to a cameo by Tony Todd) that it’s caused by Death wanting to get them back, Cody locks himself in a washroom and gives in to temptation. As he tightens the belt around his neck and hangs the end over a coat hook, he begins a-whackin’. Moments later he’s slowed by a curious odor. Suddenly there’s yelling about a gas leak. Cody takes off his belt and tries to flee but the lock is jammed. So he dies from the gas leak. Ha! Twist!

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