Hey, Last Minute Larry! You’re a total screw up! You had a list of gifts to buy for the decent people in your life, but agoraphobia and pure laziness have sent you down the chimney without a present! Uh oh!
Well, fear not because you’ve got one old adage that’s working in your favor: “It’s the thought that counts…”. That’s an easy thing to remember when you’re giving out shitty gifts, but a tough thing to remember when you’re receiving them.
Handmade gifts usually stop being cute around age twelve, but you don’t have a choice now. I’m going to show you how you can piece together some simple, but thoughtful presents for your loved ones with some household objects. Here’s a few quick suggestions that will help you out this holiday season, and for all the coming holiday seasons until you get your life together.
Old Pictures Of Yourself
This gift idea is a great one for grandparents or someone else you don’t really care that much about. You know that somewhere, in some shoebox or dresser drawer, you’ve got a picture of you and maybe some siblings that’s from fifteen years ago. Old people LOVE this sort of thing! It reaffirms the image they’ve always had of you, in their head. It also doesn’t remind them that time has been slipping through their fingers and their life is that much closer to being over. That’s a gift you can’t buy in the store.
Bottle-cap Picture Frame
This one will require a little elbow grease, but not too much, so you can get back to your overheating Xbox within minutes. Remember the picture I just mentioned? Well you have to frame it, asshole. That’s why I’m going to tell you how to make a quick and easy bottle-cap picture frame.
Step 1: Find a cereal box. Don’t eat the cereal, dump it in the trash. Now cut the back of the box out and make it one inch larger in length and width, than your old photo.
Step 2: Find some paste or glue. If you can’t, just use maple syrup (but note, the drying time for maple syrup is significantly longer, and it may get eaten by a house pet.
Step 3: Glue your photo to the center of the cardboard. Don’t screw it up, like you do everything else in your life.
Step 4: Grab those bottle caps (if they’re on unopened bottles of beer, open them carefully and drink the beer, then continue.) Find enough to cover the perimeter of the cardboard, don’t leave any cardboard exposed.
Step 5: Allow this masterpiece to dry and consider how thoughtful you are. You deserve a beer. Have another.
Cat Food Mosaic
This is a really simple one, and one you can really get creative with!
Materials: Cardboard, Glue, White Paper, Cat food or dog food. Lack of shame.
Step One: Find a piece of cardboard, roughly 8 x 10. Like a cereal box or something similar. If the box is full, dump it out. This is more important. Don’t you dare eat that Frankenberry. Do they even make that any more?
Step Two: Glue the white paper to the cardboard and trim around the edges. Make it pretty so you’ll show up any toddlers in the family.
Step Three: Use the pieces of food to spell out a message, or perhaps create some sort of emoticon or silhouette of your dong! Whatever you want to say to the special person receiving this unique gift!
An Old Book, With a Personal Inscription
This is probably the easiest and laziest item on this list. Simply find a book you’ve already read (hopefully you have more than one), and write a personal message to the recipient inside the front cover! Because it’s a gift, no one can call you a shithead for giving it, even though they’d be totally justified doing so.
Another super easy, falsely sincere gift for a loved one. The classic Mix CD. Simply put together a playlist of your favorite tracks, or use a playlist someone cooler than you created and burn it to CD! It’s just like trying to seduce a highschool girlfriend and will get you just as laid.
You can give this one out to several different people and claim it was made personally for them, as long as they don’t run in the same social circle. And if you’re really pressed for time, just find an old mix tape you recorded. It’ll seem extra special because it’s “vintage”!
Happy Holidays! Don’t screw up so hard next year!