If you want to man up from the safety of your own home, you can hop on some Call of Duty: Elite right this very second, get all the stats you’ll need to increase your virtual armying skills and kill some dudes in a non-illegal, therapeutic way. Ahh, good times. But never forget to reflect on what the Call of Duty is – it’s kicking ass for your country! For freedom! For goodness and right! Then there’s these jokers in real life who saw the opportunity to do that for real and pulled out all the stops to get out of active duty.
You were expecting George W. here weren’t you? Of course you were, but everyone knows how he managed to protect the US form the Vietnamese invasion of Texas back in the day, but did you know Cheney saved absolutely nothing by getting no less than 5 deferments? Man, he had lots of stuff going on in the 60’s.
He managed to defer the draft once in ’63 to attend his community college after crapping out at Yale. He transferred to a new school and got a second deferment the same year. Next year came number three. A year later it was time for graduate school, so that’s another deferment. But he also got married! Congrats.
The next year the ban on drafting married men with no children was lifted. Amazingly, 9 months and two days later, Cheney was a dad, meaning the day that ban was lifted it was entirely possible Cheney banged his wife for 48 straight hours until some cog slipped into place. This gave Cheney a new exemption. And a year later he was too old to be drafted. Stunning.
Do you know what’s awesome about Jimi Hendrix? Pretty much everything. But he was also a draft dodger, the crafty bugger. Who knew Hendrix and Dick Cheney were soul brothers?
According to Hendrix himself, he was injured during a parachute jump and thus had to be relieved of active duty, which is a noble and heroic sounding reason for not being in a war, sorta. It’s like saying you have an old football injury so that’s why you don’t run, even though the real reason is you’re fat.
Despite Hendrix’s awesome parachute story, a biography of the man claims that army records show he was given the boot because he demonstrated homosexual tendencies, which is army talk for being a poofter. Poofter is, of course, English slang for homosexual. That was a gay circle we just made.
The biographer also assures us that Hendrix was 6 kinds of straight and probably was always banging a woman even when he appeared to be alone, like maybe spiritually or something, so the gay thing was absolutely just a ruse. Not because he objected to war, he just wanted to kick your ass with rock n roll.
Let me start this entry by saying when I looked up Rush Limbaugh’s reason for not being drafted, I had to see the goddamn picture of it on Wikipedia and it was not something I needed to see at 2 am when I wrote this. So Rush Limbaugh owes me like $10 for my discomfort.
Anyway, Limbaugh managed to skirt the draft at first on a deferment for school, which is cool and all, it was the thing to do. Then he dropped out and that made him prime fightin’ material until….his ass got in the way. Rush Limbaugh got out of military service for having a pilonidal cyst. What’s that, you ask? That’s a big ol’ ass cyst.
The cyst forms in your ass crack and is, you know, an ass cyst. Look it up. But it was Limbaugh’s medical condition and it kept him out of active service. Apparently Limbaugh denies that today and says it’s liberal propaganda, but Snopes tends to disagree with him.
Grover Cleveland is the most hilariously named President of all time next to Calvin Coolidge, James Garfield and Millard Fillmore. Plus he served two non-consecutive terms (I think) making him twice as hilarious as Coolidge and equally as hilarious as Millard. But Garfield has that cat cred that no President will ever overcome, though Bush is inadvertently close.
Long before people were dodging wars for moralistic reasons or because they were dirty hippies who just wanted to smoke on that reefer, back in Grover’s day, there was the Civil War and, for the most part, you were expected to fight in it if you were civil, or something close to it. But Grover was a district attorney at this point and he had better shit to do than fight dirty Swedes or whoever was the bad guy during the Civil War so he paid a Polish immigrant to be his Civil War stand in. Apparently this was quite legal at the time so it’s not so abhorrent as running off to Canada or anything, but the fact is he paid a guy to get shot so he wouldn’t get shot. On the other hand, it obviously paid off, so good call Grover.
Ted Nugent used to be known for being a musician, even a good one. Nowadays he’s known as a crazy conservative coot who loves guns and hunting. Technically nothing wrong with that, but when you become an extreme conservative mouthpiece gun nut who curses out the President while gibbering on about his automatic weapons, you qualify for some hilarious irony jokes when it turns out you dodged the hell out of the draft because you were afraid of military service. How scared was he? Scared shitless! That joke will be funnier in a second.
When it came time for Nugent to serve his country, like any good asshole, Nugent elected to find a way out of service. But unlike our more civil dodgers who used deferments and fake gayness, Nugent came up with not bathing and shitting his pants for 30 straight days before he was to appear at the draft office. There’s no metaphor there either, he literally didn’t bathe for a month and appeared at the draft office smeared in his own shit and piss. So he got out of active duty by being shamefully disgusting. Atta boy.