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5 Features That Will Not Be in the Motorola Droid Bionic But Should Be

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People who eagerly await cell phones have been eagerly awaiting the Motorola Droid Bionic, probably just because it has that generic forced-cool name, but also because if you look forward to the release of cell phones then any new phone has to be kind of cool. I guess. What the hell do I know?

Anyway, the Droid Bionic is supposed to be all snazzy and next gen and whatnot with all manner of bells and whistles but we can guarantee it’s not all it should be. The fact is, some cell phone features never seem obvious to cell phone makers and instead they just keep repeating the same mistakes everyone else makes. So here’s what would impress us about the Droid Bionic.

Upskirt Cam

upskirt

Not that we would use such a crass thing but really, someone needs to make a viable perv cam that offers a degree of discretion. And really, not just for looking up skirts, but for your own bathroom topless pics, ladies. Do you know how sick the internet is of seeing all those profile pics on every social media site that you took in your bathroom mirror holding up the damn iPhone making a duck face? The Droid Bionic needs to have a camera on the same side as the screen so you don’t need a mirror, and it needs an easy as you please push button interface with no fake click sound.

App Filter

Someone needs to save us from ourselves. Right now, on my phone, I have about 30 completely shitty, useless apps I’m too lazy to delete. I should never have even seen those apps and neither should you. What apps are on your phone right now that you don’t use or need updating or just suck horribly but you paid 99 cents for it so you don’t want to ditch it? Stop the madness. The Droid Bionic, if it wants to be revolutionary, should have a tard filter standard so that, when you’re browsing for apps, it simply denies you the ability to download stupid ones. Don’t lament a lack of freedom of choice, celebrate the fact that if a stranger picks up your phone, they won’t think you’re a medicated, helmet-wearing doofus with an artificial fart sound generator on his phone.

Non-Suck Ringtones

Default ring tones on any phone sound tolerable exactly one time. You scroll through them, pick the one you want and then, the moment you hear someone with the exact same ring tone out in public or, worse, in a movie, you realize how much you hate the sound but how limited your choices are. Ringtones are big business but it’s a known fact that paying for a ringtone is tantamount to asking someone to kick you in the anus. Have you ever paid for a ringtone? You took a year off your life by doing so and also engendered a serious loss of respect from your friends and family.
The Droid Bionic, if it wants to be really revolutionary, should offer a handful of typical real-life phone sounds, and then just stop. No Soulja Boy, no Chaka Khan, no Percy Sledge. Just a goddamn phone ringing. No one needs to listen to a snippet of I Touch Myself by the Divinyls whilst on the bus, not even you.

The Ability to Not Watch Movies

As wireless technology improves, memory, processing speeds and all that jazz make it more and more easy and efficient to store and access massive files on any number of devices. But here’s the thing – any movie you watch on your phone is ridiculous. If you’re so desperate to watch a movie on the go, you can bring a laptop or, after dusting off your diamond cufflinks and gold plated condoms, your iPad. Watching a movie on a phone screen is like cooking beans in the can and calling it dinner, or having sex in a coffin.

Actually be Smart

All phones that do more than just dial numbers are called smart phones but if they were so smart half the people that use them wouldn’t come cross as insufferable douches. A genuinely smart phone would tell you when you’re being an asshat by texting non-stop while you’re supposed to be engaged in other more important activities like speaking face to face with another person, having dinner and driving. A smart phone would stop you from buying Facebook credits. A real smart phone would stop you from going home with the unwholesome spawn of a hyena and psoriasis you meet at a bar once you’re too drunk to notice the oily odor and curious bruises. A real smart phone would probably advise you not to buy it at all.

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