So your parents are constantly working to put a roof over your head. They work late hours and you’re the one who suffers. You’re old enough to watch yourself now, and you won’t set the house on fire. Or at least if you do, you’ll know how to call the fire department and have it put out. You come home everyday from school to an empty house. Well, it’s empty of people, but it’s full of other awesome things like cable TV, unrestricted internet, video games, and junk food. Every once in a while you get a sad, lonely feeling in the pit of your stomach because you realize you’re completely alone, but then you fill that pit with ungoverned amounts of snacks in substitute of a home-cooked meal. That’s how you know your parents actually love you, because if they didn’t love you, they wouldn’t buy you such awesome easy-to-prepare food! Eat up! They’ll be home any minute!
When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime! You can also sit around in your boxers and play video games anytime between three-thirty and eight P.M., because your parents aren’t home! You can also very easily get kidnapped during those hours. Sorry to be a downer.
Kraft Easy Mac
Boiling water is incredibly dangerous, and if you burned yourself while your parents were at work, they might feel bad and realize how important family time is. Help them further avoid that realization by microwaving your mac n’ cheese! Now go look at things you shouldn’t on the internet!
Not only are these a great food for barely capable pre-teens, but they’re also a great food for careless, heavy drinking adults who write for websites.
Kid Cuisine Frozen Dinners
Now you can eat like a sad old man before you even hit puberty! Getting used to a diet of frozen dinners now will prepare you for life as a divorcee in your mid-forties.
Thank goodness for Chef Boyardee! Without it, millions of single moms would have to make a real dinner! If only Chef Boyardee were a real man who could serve as a male role model, and do man things around the house. That’d be nice. Our society stinks.