Take it from our intern, going to jail is no fun. From delousing to cavity searches to bunking with that guy who always smelled like coleslaw, it’s a bad world not mde for the gentle sensibilities of Holy Taco readers. But before you jaunt off to play squash assuming you’ll never wind up in the big house yourself, you might want to take a look at these examples –ripped from the headlines! – of people who got rocketed to the clink for reasons far more pathetic than blowing up a silo full of corn or hijacking planes or whatever it is street thugs are into these days.
Negative Restaurant review
We know better than anyone the love/hate relationship regular folks have with bloggers. Women throw themselves at us constantly, but sometimes it’s just to trip us while their men steal our empty wallets. The blogosphere is a cruel mistress. It’s also not a real world, so stop using it. But in Taiwan, it’s even harsher, like a surly nun school teacher with an itchy yard stick finger just waiting for you to make even the slightest wrong move so its chastity-fueled frustration and rage can smack down on your knuckles like the fires of Heaven.
In this case, a blogger elected to post a negative review of a restaurant. The review, perhaps the most scathing piece of defamation ever put to pen, cited the restaurant as having food that was too salty. OMG ARE YOU OK??!? We should have eased you into that, we’re sorry. But Holy Taco won’t shy away from reporting gritty stories like this.
The owner of the restaurant, which had also been slammed for having roaches on the scene and some manner of traffic jam caused by bullying out front (yeah, we don’t get that part either) filed a defamation suit and the judge ruled that the blogger couldn’t say the food was generally too salty since she only ate one meal, and didn’t try everything on the menu. Ha ha! You dumbass! You ordered from the salty lunch special!
Interesting, the judge also ruled that the roach comment was merely a narration of fact and was not defamation, so this joint did have roaches. But, according to an inspection, it wasn’t as filthy as she had claimed. So like, tolerably filthy. The result was a fine and a month in prison, plus two years probation.
Bank Robbery for $1 (for healthcare)
This is more tragic than funny at first glance, but dude got in the news for this and maybe it’ll work out for him in the long run. Anyway, James Verone, our hero, walked into abank with a note and gave it to the teller. The note said that he was robbing the bank, but he only wanted a dollar. Then he sat in a chair and waited for the cops. This sounds like one of those poorly thought out plans hatched while high, but it’s not. In fact, Verone’s plan was to get arrested so he could go to jail and thus benefit from free healthcare since he has no healthcare at all right now and has a variety of issues he needs looked after.
Verone gets credit here not just for his arrested but for his reason, since a 41 larceny charge is pretty lame ass but having to get sent to prison so you can get healthcare is a little more lame ass. Queue the uptight people bitching about how he should have gotten a job.
Remember that fight between Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield when Tyson bit the man’s ear? That was insane. Mostly ear biting is the purview of dogs and other beasts of notable ear girth. But hey, if you can bite a human ear you definitely can gain and advantage in a fight. This story is kind of like that one only there were no boxers and it happened more than once. Serial ear biter!
Seems this lady had, in the past, become somewhat aggravated with an officer of the law and deemed it appropriate to just bite him in the damn ear to make whatever point she was trying to make. This is, as you may know, illegal. So she was charged and was on a deferred sentence at the time when she got into a fight with her boyfriend and decided, once again, that severely crippling his ability to hear would be a kick ass sort of vengeance.
The thing about crime is, if you get away with it once, insofar as they don’t put you in jail, you need to not do that same crime again, because that’s just poor manners. And they will put you in jail for 6 months.
If Facebook can lead you to prison (and it has before, remember that Farmville incident? Or was it Farm Town? Is Farm Who Gives a Shit a game yet?) then we need to know about it. And while neglecting your children till they die is awful, this one is just stupid. See, this lady, your average mom, was on a jury in England and, due to what we assume is a combination of boredom, British food poisoning, and maybe a bit of grandma’s cough syrup, this juror decided to friend the defendant, while the trial was ongoing.
No one in the HT office has ever successfully made it to jury duty as we generally seem like unreliable characters, but we have, collectively, watched over 3,000 hours of Law & Order and never once have we seen the DA or a judge instruct the jury not to friend the defendants. However, we also suspect that’s one of those unwritten rules that we assume doesn’t need to be said, along with “don’t light your pubes on fire” and thing like that. But as this case shows, if you don’t tell people not to do it, someone will do it.
When the relationship and their ensuing chat became public knowledge, the juror readily admitted it and apologized. That netted her an 8 month prison sentence for contempt. Interestingly, the defendant in the case was acquitted.
Surprisingly enough, this crime doesn’t come from the home state of any Tea Baggers running for office, it’s from Cameroon. We hope you’ve heard of it. They apparently have a good soccer team. Or they have one, anyway.
In good ol’ Cameroon, no one’s a big fan of homosexuality (except ostensibly homosexuals). In fact, it seems to be actually illegal which only sounds surprising if you ignore everything you know about the world. But that wasn’t enough for some people and now they’re arresting people who they think might be gay. Like, they have that look about them. Or maybe they just have really nicely decorated homes. Hard to say.
In this case, the hardened criminal (ha, gay joke) was on his way to meet a man. He had apparently sent text messages to this guy, we assume saying things like “Hey, want 2 b gay wit me?” and they agreed to meet. But the other dude showed the police instead, fearing for the public safety of gayness at large and the man was arrested and charged with attempted homosexuality, which should be the name of a band or a book or something. As a fun side note, that’s not even really a crime in Cameroon, it’s just something they made up so they had a reason to lock him up. Good job, Cameroon!