Face facts. Your son is gay. Sure, you make him take karate lessons and force him to play little league, but those episodes of “Glee” on your DVR don’t lie. The important thing is to not be an ass about it. It’s time to man up, accept him, and let him know you love him for who he is, not what he bangs in the butt. And there’s no better time to do that than the holidays. After all, it’s awkward to talk to your son about his penchant for penis, but it’s easy to give him a gift that says “I know you’re gay, and I’m relatively OK with it.” Here are five holiday gifts that will do just that.
The Justin Bieber Style Collection Figurine I’m not jumping on the “I hate Justin Bieber” bandwagon. Yeah, I do, but he’s like 15. Hating a kid who isn’t even out of high school is kind of pathetic. And I’m also not promoting the “Justin Bieber is gay” nonsense. That kid, as much as you may dislike him, will get more (female) ass in the next two months than you and all of your friends combined. In fact, that little punk will probably tag more girls in a weekend than you will in your whole life, so enough with the “gay” stuff.
That being said, giving your 9 to 14-year-old son a Justin Bieber doll (pictured above) sends a clear message that you think he is a homosexual, and you’re OK with it. There’s no ambiguity with this gift. You might as well give him a box of condoms and a bus ticket to the Castro District. And for only $30 (WTF?), it’s a lot cheaper than paying for weekly lap dances at a strip club in a vain attempt to convert him.
The Shake Weight This gift is great for two reasons. Not only does it send your son the message that you know he’s a homosexual, but it goes the extra mile by letting him know you want him to be good at it, too! Thanks, dad!
San Diego Chargers Season Tickets
What better way to tell your son you know he’s gay than with season tickets for the San Diego Chargers. The powder-blue uniforms and the lightening bolts (zaaaap!) just scream alternative lifestyle, and the fact that it’s football means you both can enjoy it. Plus, after yesterday’s loss to the Raiders, I’m sure the prices have been reduced dramatically. And who knows, maybe your boy might catch the eye of Philip Rivers. (Please note, I’m not suggesting that Philip Rivers is gay. He’s clearly not, since gay people don’t like little boys.)
Sing A Ma Jigs At first glance, I thought this gift would be a good idea for your gay son. But after watching the video, I’m beginning to reconsider. After all, the goal is to tell your kid that you’re OK with who he is, not turn him into some filthy “furry” pervert. Plus, you might be OK with your kid’s sexuality, but if he was running around all day with these things singing in your ear, you’d end up hating him anyway. Let’s say the jury is still out on this one.
Hohowear’s Sexy Mens Stretch Thong With Extended Penis Glove
Uh…yeah. Tell me you wouldn’t totally wear this if it was socially acceptable. Well for your gay son, it is! It comes in multiple colors, and “one size fits most,” which is nice, incase him and his friends ever want to trade. Also, “new style and a special night in town.” I have no idea what that means, but it must be a plus, since they listed it on the website.