Warcraft, the Mists of Pandaria, has been live for just over a month, and that means it’s as new and cool as Frogger. More or less. It’s time to look forward now and delve into the future of the internet’s oldest and most vaunted MMO. What can the lizard development team do next to keep players interested? Pandaria has been wildly hailed as the best expansion so far, but not everyone is in love with it. Who could cook up and even better expansion for next time? This guy (I’m pointing at myself). I’m no MMO expert but according to the in-game clock I have spent 138 days, 9 hours of my life playing Warcraft. No really, that’s total play time, uninterrupted. Isn’t that insane? Even more insane is that I’m probably below average since there have been yearlong gaps in my play history. Gaming nerds be crazy, yo.
Thanks to my pseudo-expertise, I feel confident offering Blizzard expansion ideas.
Rift to Tokyo
The world of Azeroth is in turmoil as a full blown war between the Horde and the Alliance is almost ready to explode. As both sides race to secure position in the world and bolster their resources a new portal is discovered, more ominous than the Dark Portal and of a unknown origin. Tearing through the frozen wastes of Northrend, the massive portal shudders and brings forth… Takahiro Yoshi, 35 year old account manager for a small subsidiary of the Sony Corporation who stumbled on his lunch break after a flashing light blinded him and wound up in the woods of Sholazar Basin. The portal leads directly to Tokyo, Japan, the planet Earth in the year 2013.
Horde and Alliance forces must be quick to secure this new land. Learn exciting recipes like the $15 Big Mac, face terrible enemies like the Yakuza and Sumo, square off against world bosses like Godzilla and J-Pop. Players can delve into challenging new dungeons like Tokyo Club Scene and the dreaded Dance Dance Revolution Party.
The Dungeons of Shitberg
As the residents of Azeroth continue to explore after discovering the ancient passage to Northrend and the hidden island of Pandaria, archaeologists from the Explorer’s League uncover a mysterious door unlike anything they have ever seen before. It is made of simple wood, buried deep in the ground and it is completely impenetrable. No weapon or magic can even leave a mark. Until someone decides to knock.
The door falls open and an entirely new world beyond is laid bare, but it’s no paradise of undiscovered riches. It is the land of Shitberg, a smelly, depressing zone that looks a lot like Detroit. The depressed and apathetic residents live in a massive metropolis links by tunnels, trains and secret portals. Trash is piled high, disease is rampant and for the first time ever, WoW can introduce the sexual barter system to attain gear and goods, just like the people of Shitberg!
The Pangaean Adventure
As Horde mages and warlocks combine their powers to create a portal to a new world, they discover that the world they have been in contact with is not a distant place but a distant time. Long before Kalimdor, the Eastern Kingdoms, Northrend and Pandaria split into four separate lands, one massive land was ruled by Titan constructs. And then it was discovered by the Old Gods.
As Horde and Alliance forces stream through the time portal, unaware of what awaits on the other side, the Old Gods prepare their descent to Azeroth in what is sure to be some pants-shittingly insane cut scenes and a handful of “you should never be able to win this fight” battles against Lovecraftian horrors from beyond. But it’s Warcraft, so you’ll be level 100, you’ll be in a raid and maybe legendary weapons will just be normal weapons since it’s way back in the past.
Work with the Titan pantheon to destroy the minions of the Old Gods as they prepare to take over Azeroth but be wary of the Butterfly Effect because meddling in the time stream causes Ashton Kutcher movies and God knows no one wants that.
If nothing else, Warcraft has proven that alcoholism is fun and funny, just look at the fat, drunken Pandaren race. The Drunken Bungling Expansion introduces players to a new hero class, the Drunken Master, whose skills are based entirely around alcohol consumption. Sobriety limits the Drunken Masters abilities, but depending on the volume and kind of alcohol consumer, new powers are unlocked creating a powerful class that can serve as tank, healer or DPS in a fight. All you have to do is support a crippling social ailment. Yay beers!
Fallen heroes return to spirit healers that are slowly becoming corrupted. They offer strange new choices rather than simply returning a player to combat, asking if they are not tired of the fight. Or if they’d like to see something new.
For the first time dealing with what comes after, players will learn that there is more to death than a return to life as denizens from a world beyond seek to keep them in the spirit world, or take them even further beyond, to Hell.
As spirits haunt the living, warlocks from both factions attempt to establish a connection to the dead beyond and find something from even beyond the Twisting Nether and the realm of demons, a realm that birthed the dark powers of Death itself – greater than the Burning Legion and older than Sargeras and the demon host, it is the darkness from the very beginning of time itself. And its Dark Lord has turned its eye to Azeroth and the powerful souls therein, to feed.
Doesn’t that sound totally ominous and shit? It so does.