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5 Legitimate Reasons to View Porn at Work

porn girl hot

The National Science Foundation is in the news again. Normally, Holy Taco’s not big on the whole “science” thing, but luckily for us, this particular story focuses more on Internet pornography than it does clinical analysis. As it happens, we are really big on the whole "Internet porn” thing.

It seems the NSF has a bit of a problem when it comes to employees looking at adult websites while on the clock. Despite repeated attempts to crack down, the foundation is facing new allegations of misconduct. Hopefully these new allegations will prove as hilarious as the last batch. My favorite example was from 2008, when a former senior executive was revealed to have looked at porn on at least 331 occasions, and offered the defense that “online chats with nude or partially clad women helped provide a living to impoverished women overseas.”

While that explanation seems legit, and we commend the scientist for his effort, we felt we could come up with a few better ideas. As a public service to our readers, here are 5 legitimate explanations for looking at porn while at work.

You’re Studying the Migratory Habits of the Majestic Crab Louse
crab lice close up

This one is sort of specific to the scientists at the NSF, but since they obviously have a problem, they need the most help. Rather than tugging at heart strings with the “supporting impoverished women overseas” argument, why not keep it work related. Tell them you’re monitoring multiple sites in order to track the annual migration of crib lice. Or perhaps you’re researching a massive ass-acne outbreak in the Philippines. I’ll leave that for you to decide. You’re the scientist; you make it up.

You’re Checking the Internet Filter for Weaknesses
site blocked

Viewing porn at work exposes your company’s network to all sorts of cyber threats, not to mention the risk of a sexual harassment lawsuit by some prude who happens to see your screen. So if you ever get caught, just tell your boss you were doing your part to help. “I wasn’t trying to visit WifeysWorld.com because I enjoy well endowed, orally obsessed, horny housewives! Far from it! I was checking to make sure the web-filter was working…and it is.” This does tend to work better if you’re in IT as opposed to the mail room.

You’re Starting an Anti-Pornography Campaign
no porn

Nothing says “I’m am pillar of the community and a champion of traditional family values” like starting your own anti-pornography campaign. So what better way to cover your tracks at work than to do just that. For less than the price of an adult DVD, you can purchase your own domain name and set up a simple anti-porn website. Throw up a few articles, a cool acronym like JACOF (Jew Against Continued Oppression of Females), and you’re set. Next time the boss man asks why you’ve been looking at blacksonblondes.com during your lunch break, you can call it “opposition research.” After all, it’s imperative to know your enemy. If he still protests, get the Christian Coalition on the phone.

You’re Searching for Your Runaway Daughter
runaway daughter cam girl

No one wants to interfere with a parent’s love for their child. That’s why this is the perfect cover. When HR drags you in to ask why you’ve been surfing camgirl.com all week long, tell them your whore daughter went to see a Phish show in Wisconsin and never came home. Rather than randomly searching seedy stripclubs and meth filled trailer courts across our fair land, you decided it’d be easier to monitor popular camgirl sites. She’s bound to show up on one sooner or later, but it’s imperative that you watch 24/7. Extra points if you close the meeting with… “Now if you’ll excuse me, HR lady, I have a missing daughter to find.”

You Enjoy Masturbating On Your Break
masurbation crime

Some people need a cup of coffee to start their day. Others need a sugar rush to make it through the afternoon. You, on the other hand, need to rub one out while watching Jenna Haze join the five finger club just to keep from blowing your brains out. Sure, it’s not ideal, but it’ll be a lot cheaper if your company gives you an office with a locking door than it will be for them to settle all those sexual harassment suits filed by an army of violated interns. They say honesty is the best policy, so if you really don’t care about getting fired, why not give it a shot. Let us know how it goes.

 

9 Responses to "5 Legitimate Reasons to View Porn at Work"

  1. Orifice Jerq says:

    At my wife’s workplace, a preschool that shall remain unnamed, a teacher bought child porn videos using their computers. the problem was that it was an FBI sting and the dude got busted, before he even had time to bust anything else.

    his explanation: “I’m Checking the Internet Filter for Weaknesses”

  2. Orifice Jerq says:

    also, who’s the chick in the first pic?

  3. Jame Gumb says:
    She’s my missing daughter.
  4. JIng Moo says:

    Gotta just love Porn at Work LOL

    http://www.anon-web.net.tc

  5. DonkeyXote says:

    Who needs porn when you can rub one out browsing through the K-mart catalogue? ‘ats what I do!!

    Purfect crime!

  6. 2009 Tax says:

    I was surprised that You Jizz is most popular from 12 to 1 pm Monday through Friday. (For about 10 minutes)

  7. peteyroberto says:

    it didnt go well…not at all

  8. the representative says:

    You guys must be out of your mind!!

    Also, I had to type “jussil Garcia-Candini,” in the captcha box just to exercise my divine right to free speech. You should be ashamed of yourself holytaco. ASHAMED!

  9. Billy-Bob says:

    Lol, here in northern europe, watching porn while working is quite casual thing “Hey dude, check out this one!” Nokia, my workplace allows this. it is concidered healthy and good for working morale. these 7 hour workdays with paid 1h lunch and 30min coffebreaks are so exhausting.

    captcha says, cell, demonic… true, so true…. i’m making those.