True Blood is awash in vampires, werewolves, witches, fairies and the odd ghost in the body of a flamboyant homosexual, all of whom are sexy or naked or at least trying very hard to be one or the other. It’s a rich tableau of unique stories and unpredictable nudity each and every week. But in the midst of its 4th season, the monster quotient is slowing down and things are getting stagnant. The producers need to kick it up a notch with some new, naked monsters and we have just the monsters and how to introduce them.
The most difficult monster to introduce into any storyline is the naked mummy, mostly because, generally, mummies are wrapped in non-nakedness as a defining characteristic. However, it stands to reason that any good mummy that winds up in backwater Louisiana for some reason or other is also just as likely to get its dusty ol’ mummy wrappin’s caught on a gator tooth or hillbilly buckle and unwrap itself into a state of decrepit nudity within five minutes of being introduced.
Now that our mummy is naked, it’ll be a simple matter of introducing it to the main characters. If it’s a man mummy, and history says it might be as the producers love man ass, obviously it will be in Bon Temps in an effort to cure itself of a curse which can only be done via having sex with Anna Paquin. Historically, everything in True Blood can be solved by sex with Anna Paquin. On the off chance it’s a lady mummy, then she’ll need to have sex with that really white vampire.
Naked Swamp Monster
Louisiana is known for pretty much two things; swamps and Mardi Gras. Since Mardi Gras comes but once a year, we have to turn to swamps to fill in the rest of the mayhem and that means swamp monsters. Luckily for cast and crew, most swamp monsters are already naked, so the introduction of this character will be pretty easy. Plus he or she will already be wet and that’s a humorous situation right there. Good for a joke or two from a supporting character like Sookie’s brother or maybe Lafayette.
Naked Swamp Monster obviously has a vested interest in the well being of the swamp so there’s an easy, lazy storyline right there. Imagine you were a swamp monster and out of nowhere a bunch of werewolves and vampires and naked Anna Paquins were mucking up your neighborhood, you’d want to find a clever way to eliminate them as well. Probably the best way to do that would be to take on human form and seduce one of the vampires, and then suck the salt from his body or whatever the hell Swamp Monsters do.
This one’s easy because if you’ve studied your demonology you know that demons love to have all kinds of illicit sex with their sinister demon dicks or, in the case of sexy lady demons, their demon hoo-ha. As an added bonus, a demon could be a man or a woman so then there’s reason for it to get naked and have sex with every single cast member on the show, which has yet to be accomplished by one character yet. If True Blood goes another season without one unifying sexifier then that just shows a lack of caring by the writing staff.
It’ll be easy enough to toss in your average incubus or succubus and play it off as wanting to sponge off the power of the vampires or Sookie or who gives a crap, because there’ll be plenty of naked man-ass and side boob and cool demon names like Azazel and Booberella.
With the release of the new movie Don’t be Afraid of the Dark goblins are going to be more popular than ever. And, like any small, angry monsters, they don’t need pants, so that means a lot of opportunity to show tight goblin ass and maybe some nipple. Who are we to judge?
Probably the best way to introduce a goblin is with something vaguely preposterous like a time capsule. Like maybe someone is digging in their yard, finds a time capsule from the 1800s and, wouldn’t you know it, there’s a goblin inside. That’s both charming and stupid and plausible in a small, Louisiana town in which everyone is a monster. The goblin should probably also bang the red headed vampire girl.
You may, at this point, argue that the show has already had goblins on it; those silly ass ugly fairies and to that we would say no. No sir.
As you’ll know from reading our site, a lot of things can be mistaken for a chupcabra in the real world, but on TV it’s pretty easy to make up an excuse to include one. For instance, one of the characters is a Hispanic gay nurse witch. Isn’t that interesting? But it also means he’s an open door for El Chupacabra by virtue of being ethnic. S maybe, way back in the day, his grandpappy had sex with El Chupacabra and now it’s coming back for child support or something. It’s a novel approach for an HBO show.
Since the Chupcacabra just wants child support and not necessarily to eat the town, it could become a recurring cast member, perhaps played by Penelope Cruz or Emmanuel Chriqui. There would be so many chupacabra ass shots you won’t know what hit you.