After 65 years of being a couple, Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed finally got married in some manner of ceremony that was probably horribly tacky and self indulgent. I say this not out of malice, but out of absolute certainty as anyone with eyes (whether or not they’re even functional) knows that Gene Simmons is a shameless, greedy egomaniac who went from being a rock music icon to a pathetic caricature of a human being with helmet hair. His marriage is far and away his most desperate cry for attention, following close on the heels of his sex tape in which he lazily hobo-humps some sad, dejected blonde who probably never knew her dad but did know Papa Valium.
Being first and foremost famous for KISS and secondly famous for being a bachelor despite being with the wax effigy of Shannon Tweed since time began, it’s a big step to get married and shows that Simmons had no idea how to get anyone to watch his reality show for another season. But now that he’s burned this bridge, what’s left for the man who’d sell his own soul for a nickel if he could?
Adopt a Baby
Celebrity babies are always popular, look how people are willing to give Tom Cruise press coverage if he’s out with his child? Without Suri in tow, Tom would literally have to shit on a paparazzi to get into the news right now, he’s that objectionable. Likewise, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have 27 children of all different ethnicities and always cause a stir when they’re out and about. This is the kind of PR move that could put Gene Simmons right n the front page of, I dunno, the Enquirer? Weekly World News? Some shit you might glance at when you’re buying gum and condoms, anyway. But if the Simmons clan needs to choose their new baby wisely. After all, the ultimate fashion accessory needs research to portray the right image.
Ahh, the East Asian baby. A good, reliable choice. Many a celebrity has adopted a baby from China or some other oppressive, anti-baby regime that hates toddling almost as much as it hates capitalism. Adopting this baby will show that the Simmons family aren’t all about acquiring wealth as, Lord knows, they’ll probably have to lay out a good number of bribes to pay for and go home with this baby. Yes, if you want to pay for the absolute best in black market babies, and show how generous and kind you are at the same time, as well as being able to milk a whole season of programming out of the topic of China and its oppressive policies and how celebrities can get involved in the most basic of ways, the Asian baby is the baby for you.
Adopting a baby from a war torn region of Africa is never a bad idea, children there need a lot of help and who better to help them than the man known as the Demon who is famous for his excessively long tongue? No one, that’s who. The bold statement of racial equality made by adopting an African baby will allow Gene to exploit topics that relate to racial tension for at least an entire season. That’s progressive!
Sweet Mary of controversy, what a gold mine of programming it would be to have a Jewish rock star adopt a Muslim baby to be raised by a white boobie-film star.
Come out of the Closet after Marriage Collapse
We can well expect that the marriage of Gene and Shannon will weather a whole season’s worth of Shannon’s expectations never meshing with Gene’s reality. Oh no, he’s new to this! It’s so confusing being a husband! How can we make our relationship work? In due time, possibly for a season finale and/or premier, the marriage will collapse. Just a separation for now of course, milk maybe a whole season out of anger and reconciliation attempts but then we’ll need a kicker. Everyone gets divorced, who cares about that? No, we need something bigger than divorce, we need gay.
Gene can reveal his long term issues with relationships and women, never wanting to commit, constant affairs and meaningless sex, stems from his own inability to deal with who he really is and what he really desires. He forced himself into all these relationships because, as a rockstar of the 70’s, he couldn’t come to terms with his own homosexuality.
Nick is Peter Criss’ Son
KISS Brand Birth Control
Marriage can change a man, they say. Marcus Bachmann got married and apparently became straight as a result. It’s a unique experience to be sure. If Gene wants to keep people watching his show, however, and buying his countless, tacky products that are already on par with Krusty brand merchandise from the Simpsons, he may need to do a total about face in characterization.
Deciding that marriage and monogamy are awesome, Simmons can take on sexual responsibility and start marketing a new line of KISS condoms, spermicidal lubricants and, of course, birth control pills. Imagine, ladies, popping a tiny, colorful pill in the shape of Gene Simmons face every single day.
The adept amongst you may be aware that KISS condoms already exist but, you know, forget about that.
KISS Scientology Video
Nothing attracts a crowd like a crowd and nothing sparks controversy like more controversy. Both Simmons and the Church of Scientology are in a funk right now and what better way to get more attention for both than for KISS to cut a Scientology themed album? Don’t answer that, just read the joke song list.