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5 More Reasons to Oppose Gay Marriage

I once wrote about the terrors that would befall us if we allowed gay marriage but the debate has obviously not gone away and, in fact, marriage equality is gaining ground.  If something isn’t done we’ll soon be treating everyone in the world like real, actual people.  Is that how you want your kids to grow up?

Since the Supreme Court clearly needs some help in deciding this issue, I present 5 more reasons why gay marriage must be stopped.  These reasons are, of course, better than any of the current reasons being bandied about by groups who oppose marriage equality, so remember that when you read it.  These reasons are better.

Sudden Adult Onset Shaken Baby Syndrome and Exploding Legs

It’s a known fact that there is dancing at gay weddings and even the odd joy jumper (one who jumps for joy).  Have you any idea what science says about this reckless movement and its effects on the precious buffer layer of fluid that protects your brain from massive trauma?  It says you’re jostling that shit around!

You jostle your brain enough and it’s like putting a Snack Pack in the dryer, it’s just all slappy flappy everywhere and suddenly you’re pooping in a diaper and being fed through a tube.  Not so festive an occasion now is it, smart guy?

None of this, of course, addresses the issue of exploding legs.  Show me one study anywhere that debunks the theory gay marriage causes exploding legs.  You won’t find one.  Not one scientist in America or anywhere else American scientists work (foreign scientists are not to be trusted and may, in fact, have the gay)has ever conclusively proved that gay marriage does not explode legs and that’s a fact you can bet your straight money on.


Gay marriage leads to Twilight cosplay, Twilight LARP and people who thought Queen of the Damned was an alright film, all of which are symptoms of gaypirism – the quality or habit of being into gay vampires.  There was a time when vampires were fearsome, respectable monsters and now we’ve just grown complacent and accepted that they are winsome, skinny boys who can’t button up shirts that clearly have buttons on them and rarely, if ever, feast on innocents.  Did any of this happen before we started letting gays get married? I’ll save you the trouble of Googling it and tell you that the answer is no.

Weak Gravity

What if one day you jumped over a puddle to prevent your Italian leather shoes from getting muddy and instead of landing safely on the other side you hurtled into the stratosphere and then off into the cold, emotionless depths of the Void?  When it does happen to you or a loved one, thank gay marriage.

Sarcastaphobia and its Brother Satirexlexia

It’s a fact that the more we allow gay marriage the harder it is for people to recognize sarcasm and, in fact, they may begin to shun it.  Several people didn’t even get the jokes in my previous anti-gay marriage article, possibly due to their minds being clouded by images of matching tuxedos and total strangers being happy in a way that doesn’t affect their own lives in any way at all.  Just harrowing.

Yet More Sasquatch Attacks

Is it a coincidence that there is now a reality show about finding Bigfoot?  Not by a long shot, big fella.  Last year Squatch attacks were up by 5000% after gay marriage was legalized in NY state.  Do you want to know the numbers since then?  Do you want me to tell you what we’ve allowed to happen in this country?  I can’t.  I can’t because right now, you’re being attacked by a Sasquatch.

According to science, and this can’t be refuted people, this is science, and also the Bible, because if you don’t like science you can just ignore it in favor of stuff you do like (science says so), right now, in America, we are always all being attacked by Sasquatch, because of gay marriage.  I hope you’re happy, Ellen and crew.  I have to go now and find a band-aid because I’m bleeding because I am BEING ATTACKED BY A SASQUATCH.  OF COURSE!

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