It’s November and that means it’s also Movember by nothing but sheer coincidence. Not sure what Movember is? Well then you weren’t reading HT last year or the year before. But whatever – it’s about dudes growing moustaches to raise awareness for your nuts. Not regular nuts per se, but cancer that affects men, so nut cancer and prostate cancer. It’s a serious issue, despite the juvenile way we’re referring to it and to show our support we’re partnered up with the Movember Foundation to raise some money and awareness. If you’re down for not shaving for a month, or just want to check it out and lend a hand, go to our Movember page and enjoy! Last year we raised over $40,000, we can probably beat that if we try hard or rob some banks this year! Also, read this list of moustaches that no one likes. I put effort into it.
There’s a reason porn staches are called porn staches and it’s not because everyone loves porn and hirsute men. It’s because a porn stache is indicative of a man who may have greasy, canned salmon-smelling sex with a stranger on a used mattress for pocket change.
The porn stache is a throwback to a simpler time when grooming was an afterthought and some dudes were OK with looking like they got smacked in the face with a pubesplosion. When worn in the here and now it makes the man behind it look like a lazy sex crime that can be bothered to clean up after itself, or maybe just a latter day Ron Jeremy who ran the risk of napping mid coitus, or at the very least pausing for a sandwich and some gin.
Hitler ruined a lot of things in his time and it’s really weird when you stop to consider, on top of all the serious, weighty horrors born from the Second World War that he’s had this ridiculous, lasting influence on fashion and grooming. No one can have a Hitler moustache ever again because it’s a Hitler Moustache and if you shave yours to look like it everyone will tell you it’s a Hitler Moustache. No other kind of facial hair is named after a man responsible for millions of deaths. There’s no Stalin goatee, or AIDs sideurns. There’s just a Hitler moustache, and that’s not even what it’s really called. It was originally jut the Toothbrush Moustache, but Hitler cocked it all up.
Bearded ladies aside, the woman with a moustache is not really something you want to see out in the open. But truth be known, a lot of ladies have them. Have you heard of the No No? It’s a grooming product for lady-types, uses this really hot wire to burn off hair and right on the commercial this woman talks about using it on her moustache. And then they claim to have sold millions. That’s millions of lady staches, all over the world. That shits’ crazy.
Inexplicably less manly than a lady stache, the pube stache is the terrible, patchy, wiry, gangly stache grown by those incapable of properly growing hair. It births itself like a terrible experiment gone awry on an upper lip and refuses to fill out or man up at any point in time, making the owner look like a 13 year old with a hormone deficiency or an 11 year old who pulled hair from the shower drain and put in on their face in an effort to see a PG13 movie alone. It is the very definition of sad.
Once, long ago, in 2007 or so, this was the height of out of the box, avant-garde comedy. The concept was simple, yet elegant –you tattooed a small, cartoonish moustache on the side of your index finger such that, when you raised your finger and place it under your nose, you have a little moustache. My God, that’s adorable.
In 2008 or so, Jonah Hill went on Conan O’Brien and stood before God and country with a handful of 12 inch nails and a sledgehammer and sealed forever the coffin of this hilarious trend by showing off his finger stache tattoo on live television. From that moment forward, anyone sporting such a thing would be deemed a hack, a follower, passé and so on.
In 2012 if you have a finger moustache tattoo, you may also be interested in planking, POGs and ALF.