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5 Not Inappropriate Children’s Costumes

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Every year around this time, websites start rolling out their hilarious Halloween costume articles and galleries.  Everyone does it – the Huffington Post, Smosh, Cracked, Holy Taco, you name it.  Some of those sites aren’t even run by hacks, so you know it’s a legit deal.  And while you’ll have lame costumes for dudes, sexy costumes for ladies, weird foreign costumes and insane couples costumes, you’ll also, inevitably, get inappropriate costumes.  But here’s the thing – who are we to judge?  Who says that costume is inappropriate? Yes, Holy Taco has said it several times, but we can’t live in the past and neither can you because they stopped making DeLoreans back in the 50’s after it was determined they caused Parkinsons.

 

As the big day (big in the sense children stuff their asses with candy) approaches, don’t let the media tell you what to believe.  Let us tell you what to believe (we’re media professionals, you can trust us) and check out these costumes that always appear on everyone’s list, and why they’re perfectly safe for your precious little sugar-addled offspring.

Pimp

 kid's pimp costume

It really is hard out there for a pimp with everyone hating on them.  And why?  Just because they exploit the weak and desperate, are known to murder and abuse, profit off of prostitution and support an industry that is intimately tied to human trafficking, drugs and rampant disease?  God, people are touchy.

 

Every job has negatives, let’s try not to be such pessimists.  If not for pimps, many young ladies who opted to leave school and pursue their careers by 15 would have very few employment alternatives.  Did you know most fast food restaurants even require a high school diploma these days?  It’s true.  The pimp is one of the few employers willing to look at a prospective employee as more than just a sum of the days they spent in class and a nearly meaningless piece of paper received as a result.  If that’s not noble than this entire article isn’t extremely ham-fisted satire.

 

You should be happy if your child chooses a pimp costume for its more than just the sum of its intensely gaudy parts, it represents great strides, no in gender equality or women’s rights, but in a willingness to exploit anyone at any time, rather than corporate America’s desire to only exploit those who already have money.

 

Showgirl

 

The fact is there are many more so-called inappropriate costumes for girls than boys because our society is weird like that.  You don’t see a boy version of Toddlers and Tiaras out there.  If you do, stop watching, it’s likely funded by NAMBLA and the FBI is already compiling data on you.

Not unlike the pimp, some people will point out how a showgirl costume is inappropriate for a child, as a showgirl is often a woman who is required to get naked for the gratification of men.  It’s a sexualized job, they’ll say.  But has anyone considered that this costume is a reference to the film Showgirls, and specifically its star, Elizabeth Berkeley?   Elizabeth made her mark starring in the delightful youth program Saved by the Bell and no matter how many Dirty Sanchez videos its cast makes, nothing can taint that memory.  Jessie Spano is an American Hero and your child should be proud to take up that mantle.  Or feather boa.

 

Rapper

 

Here’s another favorite of the inappropriate lists, so much so that they may even include variations on the same theme, but really, is the implicit racism of this costume really all that bad?  Incidentally, it’s quite implicitly racist.  But is that always a bad thing?  Yes, generally.  But perhaps this costume does more than merely allow a child to dress up as their idols.  While 50 Cent, C-Murder and Young Jeezy are great role models, this costume is even more in depth as it holds a mirror up to society and says “society, why is it a costume when the little white boy in this picture is wearing it, but it’s just clothes if a black man is wearing it?”  and then it says “wait, maybe it’s still a costume when the black man is wearing it, I mean, Diddy wears suits now for God’s sake, but if that’s the case, then is it any worse for the white child to be wearing it?  Isn’t he just playing to the same stereotypes of the hip hop esthetic that all rap videos do?”  and then maybe it says “is this really bad just because we’re afraid to say this child is ‘dressing black’ because it sounds racist?  But we can’t say that if it’s a black child in the costume because then we’d be implying that there are specific roles and appearances for races in America which in turn belies the notion of racial equality in the most ridiculous of ways?”

 

Listen, just give the kid some candy.

 

Sexy _____

 

In order to save time, this is a catch all topic for any little girl’s costume that can be prefaced with the word “sexy.”  First and foremost, shame on you for saying such a thing about a child, that’s pretty disturbing.  None of these costumes have the word “sexy” in their names.  They’re just scant on fabric and designed to look like something our friend the pimp would request you to wear if you were in his employ.

 

Dressing your school-aged daughter as a harem girl, a sexy maid or a risqué longshoreman (longshoreperson) may be perfectly reasonable.  Are you a family of nudists?  Are you normally unable to afford clothing and your daughter usually wears the paper bags your fast food comes in, or banana leaves?  Does your child secrete an acid compound that immediately melts her clothing (note: this compound will probably also melt the costume)?  Then let the child dress up a bit for Halloween and ignore these naysayers who seem to think your poor, acidic young ‘un should be left naked in a corner slowly dissolving the linoleum.  For shame, people!  For shame.

 

Toilet

 

Is your child a piece of shit?  This may be entirely appropriate, then.

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