You’re pretty gross. Don’t take that as an insult, it’s the general “you” that means everyone. We are all gross. Except Scarlett Johansson who is fantastic. But the rest of us are so full of fluids, gasses and semi-solids that have no business existing in a good and wholesome world it’s terrifying. Worse yet, there are illnesses out there that demand you produce excess amounts of this filth and then toss it out where the rest of us have to experience it. Not sure what we mean? Well, that’s why this article exists!
Don’t watch that video, it’s almost 7 minutes long. Why did we embed it? Because it’s almost 7 minutes long. And all it does is tell you, for 7 minutes, how to handle an excessively sweaty crotch.
Hyperhidrosis is the technical term for “sweaty pig.” If you sweat excessively there could be a number of causes and also a number of body parts affected. Some people have overly sweaty palms, feet or armpits, some get the all over sweats but an unlucky few have severe swamp crotch. Apparently nature is so disdainful of some people it demands their taint run like a faucet at the drop of a hat.
The thrill of groin hyperhidrosis includes making whatever you’re sitting in damp, massive wet spots on your ass and, of course, that perfume that only a warm, wet sack can produce.
Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome
Probably we could just post the name of this condition and leave it at that because it’s pretty descriptive, but then we’d miss out on offputting jokes. So let’s get to those.
Apparently with this condition, you may vomit up to 12 times in an hour. For several hours straight. Or maybe days. Or maybe weeks. And, on the odd occasion, months. If you puked 12 times an hour for a month, that would be nearly 9000 pukes. If you can do that without making the villagers run screaming that’s impressive, but not as impressive as somehow still being alive after puking that much.
The cause of Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome isn’t known, nor is there a cure, the best you can do is try to take some medication if you feel a puke binge coming and hope it keeps you toned down. Also, you may want to bring a towel.
There’s a little parasite called giardia lamblia that likes to move into your insides and set up shop because inside of you is more comfortable than one of those massage chairs at the mall. The problem is your insides are full of poop. Giardia doesn’t need all that poop in there, so you start shooting that stuff out. And the more bacteria you have, and the more you eat, the more you’re going to have to poop. And thus our friend diarrhea is born.
Now, at this point, you just have diarrhea and that’s awful but it’s not unusual. All of us have had a round of Buffalo wing squirts before, it happens. But Giardiasis also brings with it abdominal camping, dehydration, and fatigue right off the bat and, long term can lead to malnutrition, inflammation of the intestinal lining and even lactose intolerance. But even that isn’t the worst part, though it’s not helping. No, the worst part of giardiasis is the steatorrhea. You see the “rhea” at the end there and you know this isn’t good and you’re right.
Steatorrhea is the ugly cousin of diarrhea, characterized by presence of excessive fat in your poop. Also by anal leakage, which is when grease and other butt-related liquids just ooze on out with or without your permission. And, as an added bonus, the smell makes you wish you could smell other people’s healthy shit so you could take a break from your insanely awful smelling ass.
I’m not even comfortable writing about this, but it was so awful it deserved a spot on this list. As the name implies, this condition bridges the gap between the colon and the vagina, a gap that has no business being bridged in this or any other reality. Like couples on TV shows in the 50’s, those things belong in separate beds. Unfortunately life isn’t like that and here we are.
In a nutshell, this problem occurs when there’s a hole of some kind that forms between the ol’ front and back doors, somewhere inside of you. Seems like something you’d notice right away, but who knows, maybe a seam just came loose. And what is the most noticeable symptom of this condition? Yep, it’s the stinky front farts. Queefs, you might know them as. There’s no really delicate way to address it. Gas from your colon just burps on out the front door and you’re left thinking “my, isn’t that odd?” and yes, yes it is.
Fish Odor Syndrome
Also known by the less hilarious name trimethylaminuria, fish odor syndrome is all about fish stank. Holla! The issue behind the syndrome is rather sciencey and boring, but at the end of the day all you need to do is that, if you have it, something inside of you has an issue with enzyme production which results in a rancid, fishy smell.
Trimethylamine builds up inside you and the stank of it escapes through your mouth, pores and urine. So you sweat, breathe and pee fish stank. Of course, it doesn’t always smell fishy, sometimes it’s just kind of an awful, nameless stink. But mostly it’s fish stink. From all over you. Rotten fish. All up on you. It’s also incurable.
The worst aspect of this disease, which you’d think is the smell of dead fish, is actually the two fold problem of living with it. First, you don’t necessarily know it’s you who stinks – many sufferers are sometimes able to detect a smell, but they think it’s coming from elsewhere. Sometimes they have no idea they smell or how bad it is – bad enough that it can fill an entire room. The other part is that you can’t make it go away. Showers, perfume and deodorant have no effect on it as it’s not a hygiene issue, so the smell is always there, unnoticeable to you, filling up whatever room you’re in, all the time. Try working with that for your whole life and see how far you get before someone throws a tuna sandwich at you.