Bad hip hop has become a fabulous genre all on its own thanks to musical luminaries like Bangs and Ja Rule. But too often the terrible ladies of hip hop are overlooked in favor of the terrible men. But no longer! Holy Taco has suffered through tens of minutes of awful music to bring you this enlightening look at why Youtube and independent record labels are occasionally worse than herpes.
Swagger Jagger by Cher Lloyd
I have no idea who this girl is, but she looks like a skanky 80’s version of Rizzo the Rat from the Muppets. I think she may have been on the show X Factor in the UK, which isn’t surprising as the UK produces some terrible female rappers. We’re looking at you, Lady Sovereign, the only singer ever whose British accent gets thicker when she sings.
Cher is a terrible name which is a clue off the top that something is amiss here. Your second clue that this song is going nowhere good is that the chorus is set to the tune of My Darling Clementine. That’s actually, clinically retarded. We asked a doctor.
We wanted to pick some choice lyrics to make fun of from this song, but it’s very hard to do. The lyrics are so sub-idiotic and monosyllabic it’d be like making fun of a Dick and Jane book. However, worthy of note, is the line “you’re a hater, just let it go.” Why is this noteworthy? Because when someone, unprovoked, calls someone out as a hater, it is unequivocally, indisputably because that person has the brain function of a trout. A dim trout.
Hater is the go to insult for every child left behind by schools that refuse to fail numbskulls and instead keeps pushing them forward in the hopes that, if nothing else, they’ll one day pee on an electric fence and cleanse the gene pool of their taint. Hater is the talk show chant of those whose unfortunate genetics have turned them into what, in days of yore, would have been thrown in the woods as a mistake. Hater is the rationalization an idiot makes when their hamster wheel intellect can’t figure out why someone would criticize or insult them and, somehow, it decides that decrying their attacker as a hater, they have won the moral high ground. Listen, Cher, I do hate you. Because you make terrible music. You didn’t win by noticing that. You just recognized something. Even brine shrimp recognize things. Also, “swagger jagger” is goddamn gibberish.
Gucci Gucci by Kreayshawn
Jesus. The thing that really bugs me about this video is everything. But to fine tune that disdain, let’s start with the silent hipster doofus girl who seems to be mouthing along with Krayfish throughout the video. Is she the modern day Spinderella? Is she moral support? Is she a back up singer? I can’t make her vocals out. Also, why the hell is Krawdaddy wearing that bow that makes her look like Minnie Mouse on a bad trip?
We’re not 100% sure what this song is about, other than basic bitches wearing designer clothes, but we do know the line “I got the swag and it’s pumping out my ovaries” it’s some Shakespeare-quality shit. First, kudos on the constant battle against using “of” in sentences. Prepositions are for pussies, yo. And besides, we don’t want people who aren’t native English speakers learning our language through song anyway. Let ‘em go to school like suckers. But that aside, what manner of swag comes out of your ovaries? Is this about babies or periods? Because either way, we’ve run far afield from mocking girls who wear Prada.
Shoe Freak by Coco
Arguably no one needs Holy Taco to tell them that a song by Ice T’s wife Coco about shoes is going to be such a piece of shit that impoverished flies tell their children about it in hushed, revered tones before tucking them in under a steamy pile of hobo leavin’s at night.
This song features Coco listing off companies that make shoes from the 0:53 mark all the way to 1:23. That’s a half goddamn minute of name dropping shoe companies and not a single one of them is K Swiss, so who gives a shit?
The term “ostrich thigh high boots” also makes an appearance. We’re forced to assume this whole thing is a joke that just isn’t super funny, but you never know.
Turn it up by Kim Kardashian
We’re going to start this with the best lyrics in this song – “turn me up yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.” Kardashian, you have got to be shitting us. 9 yeahs in a row? And then the line repeats?
The most infuriating part of this song is actually its supporters on Youtube who come out to defend Kim by saying she made this song for charity. Listen, if I want to make a sculpture to support charity but I can’t sculpt, so instead I drop a deuce on a plate, put two googly eyes on it and call it Winston Churchill, didn’t I just insult the charity rather than help it out? Good intentions are delightful but there’s a saying about good intentions only I can’t remember what it is because this song is resonating at the same frequency as my skull and threatening to liquefy my brain.
Kiss Kiss by Trishii
If you pause this video at just the right moment around the 6 second mark, it looks like John Goodman’s face is coming out of a tiny pool with a shrunken skank head hat on and silky straps over his eyes, it’s the most surreal thing. That aside, this video gets credit for pointing out that white lipstick is offputting in the extreme and makes even John Goodman look unappealing. It’s like the reanimated corpse of an anime whore wants me to dance with it and I don’t approve.
There are no notable lyrics in this song however, in the video, at 1:45, Trishii actually dances with an honets to goodness hobo on the street and that’s an image you’ll never be able to fully remove from your brain. You may forget it within moments of seeing it but know that, years from now, when you’re trying to remember something of dire importance, the memory of that scene will be in your brain and may actually crop up costing you precious moments when lives may be at stake. It will always be inside you. Trishii will always be inside you now.
That scene is immediately followed by Trishii playing with a dinosaur.