You might think Richard Roeper is the place to go for all your film needs but I have it on good authority that he’s a hack and will never watch anything that hasn’t been pre-approved by Leonard Maltin. So he’s never going to tell you about these awesome movies with the worst monsters that you’ve probably never seen but need to see! Need! See! To!
At first glance you might presume this is just a vampire movie and thus not qualified to have one of the worst monsters in movie history in it. But for our part, we’re not concerned with the vampires (who are all strippers, incidentally). Vamp shakes up the vampire movie trope by also tossing in a gang of evil albinos. Not one or two, a whole bloody gang. Lord, you’ve never seen o many enraged albinos in one place. Let alone having a street fight with vampires. Although it kind of makes sense since none of them should be in direct sunlight anyway. But still, if your town can support such a great population of albinos that albino street gangs are a real threat, you might want to see if there’s something shady in your water supply because that’s not normal.
It’s potentially worth noting that the head vampire in this movie is Grace Jones, who you might remember from Conan the Barbarian, or from her terrifying music career. She plays not just a stripper, but the sexiest of all the strippers. I know, right? But that’s the story.
This movie is kind of well known but only in circles of people who purposely watch craptastic films. For those of you who only watch movies that made it into theatres, the most important thing you need to know about Demonic Toys is Baby Oopsy Daisy. It’d a baby doll (naturally possessed by demonic forces) that has a mouth more foul than a stevedore and, despite being a girl in the first movie, grows a penis in the sequels. But still wears a dress. And has memorable lines like these “I can walk, I can talk, I can even shit my pants.” That’s cinema gold right there. Ya know, if it had actually been shown in a cinema.
Because this is a movie about a demon that was dropped under a toy warehouse and needs to impregnate a woman so it could be born again, it stands to reason there has to be not only a foul-mouthed baby doll character, but also a teddy bear that sort of turns into a real bear and mauls people. Or as real a bear as the FX people at Full Moon can make. There’s also a robot and a jack-in-the-box but those things are evil at the best of times.
Strictly speaking you could argue that the Stuff is a sci fi movies but it does have a monster in it, and it’s ice cream. Evil, zombie-making sentient ice cream that lives under ground. And isn’t actually frozen, but quit complaining.
The set up in the Stuff is awesome, as it basically presents a dude who discovers a puddle of tasty white shit in the ground and decides to market it to others. Except oops, if you eat it it takes over your brain and hollows you out like a canoe. I can’t make that description make any more sense.
All you really need to appreciate is that the villain is white goo that people eat and it gets discovered by accident. Have you ever had occasion to step foot in sticky, white ooze and then taste it? Hell no. You have not. Because that’s how you end up knowing what hobos taste like.
The Howling 3
LikeVamp, you might jump the gun here a little and make believe that, this being a werewolf movie, the monsters are automatically cool and undeserving of being on such a list. First, that means you never saw Twilight because those werewolves sucked ass. Second, you ain’t never seen the Howling III. The werewolves here aren’t wolves. They’re opossums. Or something very much like an opossum. They’re marsupials. You know, mammals with pouches. Can you even begin to fathom how drunk the entire cast and crew of this film must have been, and for how long, to not only conceive of this movie, but to bring it to fruition? If anyone involved still has their own genetic liver, I am shocked.
The Howling movies were never particularly awesome, at the end of one some lady turns into a floppy eared wolf that kind of resembles Benji. Do you remember Benji? Shameful look for a werebeast. But still not as lame as a weremarsupial.
Death Bed: The Bed That Eats
Without the subtitle, this movie is suitably named to be a horror movie. Death bed is the bed someone dies on, there’s very horrorful. However, when you add in “the bed that eats” you’re forced to stop and think “what the hell does that mean?” It means this – there’s a bed in this movie that eats people.
If you’re already scratching your head, be pleased to know that no one at Holy Taco is capable of explaining this film, nor is anyone else. Not Patton Oswalt, not the director, no one. This movie is straight up f*cktarded. The director literally stated he doesn’t remember making this movie and it didn’t get officially released until about 25 years after it was made because it takes a quarter of a century for crap this bad to simmer to a readiness we can all accept.
There’s no metaphor in the title, this is really about a bed that was once apparently a demon or an evil tree or something that entices people to sleep on it, then eats them and makes flowers grow or something. It’s hard to describe because your brain won’t really allow for it. Watch this clip if you dare. it’s a little long,but it’s worth the ride.