You may have heard that Daryl Hannah was arrested at the White House yesterday. Surprisingly it wasn’t the FBI catching up with her for making Splash, it was because she was part of a protest against a proposed pipeline that would bisect the entire country. After refusing an officer who requested that she move, Hannah was detained and forced to pay a catastrophic $100 fine, which is literally half of the money she made for appearing in Grumpier Old Men. Now she’s back on the street to menace polite society again but we at Holy taco have a bone to pick with law enforcement here because there are a hell of a lot more reasons to arrest Daryl Hannah. Let’s start with another Splash joke.
If you never saw this movie you’ll be forgiven for not understanding that look of disappointment on your friends’ faces every time you talk about what a great actor Tom Hanks is.
Back before Hanks was Hollywood’s go to guy for a relatable, sympathetic every man, he was actually a comedian. I know, it’s odd. And while he sometimes had some hits (Turner and Hooch is the best movie featuring a flappy dog drinking a beer you’ll ever see) he also dropped a few deuces on deck. Such is the case with Splash, which presents Hanks as a lonely fruit warehouse manager just looking for the girl of his dreams when he nearly drowns and is saved by Daryl Hannah who is, of course, a goddamn mermaid. Imagine The Little Mermaid only if it was more earnest and not a children’s movie, then toss in John Candy looking up women’s dresses and Eugene Levy as the villain. Yes, it sounds awesome, but it wasn’t.
Hannah spends the movie in various states of undress looking like a cross between Rapunzel and a 12 year old boy, and somehow both nails and yet completely misses playing a clueless fish girl in 1980’s New York. She also learns how to speak English after watching TV in a department store. She also porks Tom Hanks. Could you imagine how awful you’d feel if you humped a fish?
Did you have any idea that Daryl Hannah designs board games? I nearly shit when I read that. Not only did she design one game, she cranked out two and you can seriously go and buy them now. Right now! But don’t, stay here and read the jokes we make about them.
One of Hannah’s games is called LIEbrary, which is a delicious pun to be sure, but the whole game is a filthy rip off of Balderdash but for literati, which is doubly awful because it presupposes you read books and also steals the premise from a terrible pre-existing game.
If you’re not familiar with Balderdash, maybe you can play a round while you watch Splash. In a nutshell though, LIEbrary gives you a book title and asks all the players to write down what they imagine the first line of the book would be. Then whoever is taking their turn reads all the answers, along with the true first line, and players have to try to guess which is real. I almost had an aneurysm writing that, but the real game is probably fun. Let’s try it with Holy Taco staff!
Q: What is the opening line to A Tale of Two Cities?
A: Once upon a time there were two cities and they were both full of dicks.
A: I awoke in a tub full of ice, stinking of tequila and unwashed crotch.
A: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
Hannah experts amongst you may call us out on this entry if for no other reason than Daryl was actually arrested for this. But obviously not arrested enough. If her arrest at the White House didn’t make it clear, Hannah is quite the environmentalist. She is a strict vegan, lives in a home totally run on solar power and made of Green materials, and her car is powered by biodiesel. So when the opportunity arose to chain herself to a walnut tree, she leapt at it. This sounds strangely like an episode of the Simpsons but what do I know?
Hannah stayed chained to that tree for three weeks, protesting the impending destruction of the South Central Farm, a large urban farm area in Los Angeles. Ironically we have to agree that the farm is a good idea and should have been left alone as the idea of a farm allowing people stuck in a fat ass city to grow their own food is a good one. However, Hannah wasn’t even metaphorically tree hugging, she literally did it, for three weeks. The stench of BO and patchouli over there must have been overwhelming. Plus whatever other smells are known to permeate South Central LA.
Attack of the 50ft Woman
This movie completely sucks.
Self Diagnosed Aspergers
If you Google Daryl Hannah and Asperger’s you’ll find a lot of articles about how she has it and even how she feels it ruined her career because it got her blacklisted in Hollywood because producers and directors didn’t want to work with someone who disliked socializing as much as she does. Keep Googling.
In one interview she states that she may have had Asperger’s as a child and that it wasn’t widely understood at the time. Her direct quote in relation to being diagnosed as having a mild form of autism is “I was probably misdiagnosed; I think it might’ve been Asperger’s.”
Asperger’s is the internet’s most popular mental illness because 80% of all people online act like jackasses and Asperger’s gives you a recognized and accepted reason for being socially maladjusted. If you have it. Most people online seem to just decide they have it on a whim when they can’t get through a day without someone in a forum calling them an asshole. They don’t have Asperger’s though, they’re just assholes. Is Daryl Hannah an asshole? Probably not, but she could stand to get a professional diagnosis, just to be safe and put a stop to a terrible trend of Asperger’s self-diagnosis.