Aside from being a business necessity, conference calls are a form of absolute Hell. If you're ever interrogating a murderer and want to find out where he hid the bodies, ask him in minute seven of a conference call. He'll tell you anything you want to know. Until then, though, you'll have to endure the five annoying people that are sure to be on every conference call:
"Talks While Other People Are Talking" Guy
There’s always going to be a guy on your conference call who might have something useful to contribute. However, this guy also happens to have an extra-sensory ability to know exactly when someone else is going to speak up, and he chooses that exact time to start speaking. The result is a relentless melee of noise and confusion, followed by a few brief stints of complete silence before both people starting to talk at the same time again. His presence guarantees that the conference call will last at least three times as long as it should.
Mr. "What If"
Even though everyone has agreed upon what they’re discussing in the 400 e-mails sent back and forth between this call, suddenly this person gets on the phone and decides they’re in the writers room of Lost and they’re trying to figure out the ending. Every time they open their mouth, it’s to propose an idiotic idea that has nothing to do with anything anyone is talking about. “What if…okay, I like your idea about the dog food, but what if we took that idea, and we incorporated sky diving in to it?”
"The Ghost"
Are they even on the conference call? They confirmed over e-mail. Apparently as soon as they dialed in to the call, a rapist burst into their house looking for them and they took the remainder of the call while hiding in a closet, fearing sexual assault. The most annoying part is that at some point you need them to weigh in, and you have to say their name three times, because even they're surprised they have to talk, then you look like a jerk off.
Ms. "Talks to People Next to Her Who Aren't on the Conference Call"
She doesn’t realize that just because she’s not pointing her mouth at the phone, the phone still picks up sound. Therefore when she turns slightly to her right, away from the phone and starts talking to someone next to her who’s not on the conference call, she doesn’t realize that the six other people on the call who aren’t in the movie Minority Report , and thus don’t have floating video screens in front of them letting them know that she’s not talking to them, don’t know she’s not addressing them. Therefore you just get six people saying “what? Why do you want to know what we’re feeling for lunch? Hello? Debra?”
"Speak Up" Guy
This guy is not hard of hearing. In fact, he’s pretty confident that he can hear better than anyone else on the call. He’s so confident, in fact, that he’ll choose to take the conference call while he’s walking down a bustling street next to a jackhammer testing facility that’s celebrating it’s annual “Screaming Baby Appreciation Day” with a thirty-airhorn-salute. But the problem is that you’re not speaking loud enough for him, and he’ll be sure to let you know frequently throughout the call by asking in a condescending yet polite way if you can “speak up, please.”
You know. The one who sits 100 yards away from you in the cubicle farm but you can still hear her voice even if you're not on the call. When she talks you have to turn the volume down on your phone and then you can't hear what anyone else says so you turn it back up and then she butts in and blows out your eardrum.
what about the guy who doesn't put his microphone on mute while hes on the conference call, and everyone can hear him breathing into the mic, or typing away at his keyboard. GOD that grinds my gears!
i despise "The Rehasher" As you mentioned, there have been 400 emails back and forth prior to the call. One person feels the need to review every freaking word that has ever been said on the subject that everyone is already completely aware of. Its their 15 minutes of fame and control. You know you are in for it when the host starts off with something like "I just want to step back here for a minute and review how we got here -with a 20,000 foot type of view. Back in September of 1998 ...."
what about the guy with Turrets who randomly screams racial slurs and vulgarities into the phone? oh wait, he makes the call hilarious. disabilities are funny.
I hate the, I have to take another call guy/gal. The person that puts the line on hold but doesn't mute their line first so everyone has to listen to their hold music until they return cause they can't talk over it.
I am the 6th? worst offender. I'm multitasking guy. Every question that is asked of me needs to be repeated cause I'm actually in 2 other calls on 2 other phones, have 4 IM sessions going and working on document that is due before the end of the hour. So I really have no context for the question when it's repeated and have to spend valuable time trying to figure out what they really asked me to commit on/reply to.
Every single conference call I'm on, the following happens at least once:
Bob: That's a great question. John, you've been looking into that, care to weigh in?
** silence **
Bob: John?
** silence **
John: Oh, ha, I was talking on mute the whole time.
Everyone on the call bursts into laughter. Really? Is it that funny? Are we that hard up for entertainment that that gets laughs EVERY SINGLE TIME IT HAPPENS?
Frequently, I don't care about whatever the call is about, so I mute it and play games online. Everytime, someone will ask me something and I have to get them to repeat it at least twice.
what about the guy who has no social life and the only time he gets to talk to other people is during the conference call. he turns a half hour call into one hour plus with his inane bullshit that has nothing to do with work. that was my old boss.
Hilarious. Especially funny because I stumbled onto this article immediately after TWO STRAIGHT DAYS of listening to my boss' conference calls on speakerphone. The 2nd day, his call literally lasted NINE HOURS as per some testing on our systems. No joke...I timed it while trying to work THREE FEET AWAY. I thought I was going to go completely out of my mind listening to the distraction, half of which was nothing more than horsing around anyway. Sheesh. Whomever invented this technology ought to be dragged into the street and shot, along with the inventor of speed bumps.
(14 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
February 26th, 2009 at 08:51 pm
Funny and true, nice article.
I loved your analogies.
February 27th, 2009 at 05:03 am
I'm bored.It's too bad.
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February 27th, 2009 at 06:09 am
What about the "Talks too loud girl"?
You know. The one who sits 100 yards away from you in the cubicle farm but you can still hear her voice even if you're not on the call. When she talks you have to turn the volume down on your phone and then you can't hear what anyone else says so you turn it back up and then she butts in and blows out your eardrum.
February 27th, 2009 at 06:35 am
what about the 'i'll call in on speaker phone but stand 20 feet away'?
February 27th, 2009 at 07:35 am
what about the guy who doesn't put his microphone on mute while hes on the conference call, and everyone can hear him breathing into the mic, or typing away at his keyboard. GOD that grinds my gears!
February 27th, 2009 at 08:08 am
i despise "The Rehasher" As you mentioned, there have been 400 emails back and forth prior to the call. One person feels the need to review every freaking word that has ever been said on the subject that everyone is already completely aware of. Its their 15 minutes of fame and control. You know you are in for it when the host starts off with something like "I just want to step back here for a minute and review how we got here -with a 20,000 foot type of view. Back in September of 1998 ...."
February 27th, 2009 at 09:31 am
ahahahaaa
February 27th, 2009 at 09:30 am
what about the guy with Turrets who randomly screams racial slurs and vulgarities into the phone? oh wait, he makes the call hilarious. disabilities are funny.
February 27th, 2009 at 09:31 am
I hate the, I have to take another call guy/gal. The person that puts the line on hold but doesn't mute their line first so everyone has to listen to their hold music until they return cause they can't talk over it.
February 27th, 2009 at 09:44 am
I am the 6th? worst offender. I'm multitasking guy. Every question that is asked of me needs to be repeated cause I'm actually in 2 other calls on 2 other phones, have 4 IM sessions going and working on document that is due before the end of the hour. So I really have no context for the question when it's repeated and have to spend valuable time trying to figure out what they really asked me to commit on/reply to.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:23 am
Every single conference call I'm on, the following happens at least once:
Bob: That's a great question. John, you've been looking into that, care to weigh in?
** silence **
Bob: John?
** silence **
John: Oh, ha, I was talking on mute the whole time.
Everyone on the call bursts into laughter. Really? Is it that funny? Are we that hard up for entertainment that that gets laughs EVERY SINGLE TIME IT HAPPENS?
February 28th, 2009 at 07:49 pm
Frequently, I don't care about whatever the call is about, so I mute it and play games online. Everytime, someone will ask me something and I have to get them to repeat it at least twice.
March 2nd, 2009 at 03:02 pm
what about the guy who has no social life and the only time he gets to talk to other people is during the conference call. he turns a half hour call into one hour plus with his inane bullshit that has nothing to do with work. that was my old boss.
April 9th, 2009 at 04:50 am
Hilarious. Especially funny because I stumbled onto this article immediately after TWO STRAIGHT DAYS of listening to my boss' conference calls on speakerphone. The 2nd day, his call literally lasted NINE HOURS as per some testing on our systems. No joke...I timed it while trying to work THREE FEET AWAY. I thought I was going to go completely out of my mind listening to the distraction, half of which was nothing more than horsing around anyway. Sheesh. Whomever invented this technology ought to be dragged into the street and shot, along with the inventor of speed bumps.
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