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5 People Who Are Probably Responsible for the Bedbug Epidemic

As those of you who spend your days closely monitoring parasites know, there is a bedbug epidemic sweeping our great nation. After being nearly eradicated in the U.S. after World War II, the insects known as Cimex Lectularius are back, and this time, they’re pissed. Just today, Nike Town in New York City had to close down their entire 95,000 sq ft store because of an infestation. The news comes just days after the first annual Bedbug Summit in Chicago went off with sold out crowds in attendance hoping to learn more about the pest.

Scientists offer many reasons for the resurgence: resistance to pesticides, increased international travel and a vengeful god, just to name a few. But we here at Holy Taco have done a little research of our own, and while we can’t be 100%, we feel that the following five individuals may be the ones most responsible for the outbreak.

Amy Winehouse
amy winehouse bed bugs

As if you couldn’t have guessed, we feel Amy may be a leading culprit when it comes to the bedbug explosion. Scientists say that immigration and increased international travel have helped the parasite reenter U.S. I always knew foreigners were not to be trusted, with their filthy accents and their cumbersome wooden shoes. And you know who’s a foreigner? Amy friggen Winehouse, that’s who. God only knows what she picked up from her fellow Eurotrash while staying at various rehab centers and flop houses. Couple that with the fact that she’s not exactly the poster girl for personal hygiene, and all signs point to the little guys catching a ride to the States in her beehive hairdo.

Bradgelina
angelina jolie bed bugs

Known for their charity work, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have traveled across the globe in a effort to end poverty and disease in the Third World. Guess what? The Third World is crawling with bedbugs. While these two were out baby shopping in Timbuktu, the blood suckers probably hitched a ride in one of their 300 pieces of luggage. Not to mention the fact that Brad’s beard would be the perfect hiding spot. Thanks a lot, Bradgelina. In your attempt to give the rest of the world hope, you ended up giving us a rash.

Matthew McConaughey
matthew McConaughey bed bugs

Matthew McConaughey is known as a guy who likes to have a good time (aka he’s a pot head). Think about all the party-guy pot heads you know. Not exactly the cleanest people in the world, are they. Odds are, during one of McConaughey’s many spontaneous trips to Costa Rica, Thailand, or where ever else he felt like going to smoke weed and get laid, he passed out drunk on a filthy mattress (or maybe just on the sand at the beach). God damn it, take a shower you filthy hippie. And apologize for The Ghost of Girlfriends Past.

Snooki

New York seems to be the epicenter for the bedbug epidemic. And it’s probably no coincidence that NYC is just a hop, skip, and a jump from the Jersey Shore. What’s more disgusting than a house full of self proclaimed Guidos living like pigs? The fact that the place is probably crawling with parasites (aside from the cast). Obviously they’d be too drunk/high/stupid to notice the bug bites, meaning the little suckers are free to catch a ride whenever Snooki decides to head into the city. MTV probably puts her up at nicer hotels, explaining why they seem to be some of the hardest hit. You can take the girl out of Jersey, but you can’t keep the bedbugs from hitching a ride.

Joe Francis
joe francis bed bugs

We feel that Joe Francis has probably done more to help the spread of bedbugs than anyone on this list. Travelers are an easy target, meaning spring break is like a god damn bed-bug version of Woodstock, with thousands of stupid college kids converging in one location, staying in filthy hotels, and getting naked (thereby leaving their clothes on the floor). It’s the perfect storm.

Enter Joe Francis, a man who has made his living off of attending such events. To make matters worse, there’s the Girls Gone Wild bus that Francis takes from town to town, bringing girls on to get naked, and then quickly releasing them back into the population. Try telling me that bus isn’t crawling with bedbugs. He might as well just mail the bugs to colleges and major cities.

Thanks Joe. Years of watching your shitty late-night infomercials have left me unable to appreciate a girl over the age of 23. And now I have to worry about beg bugs as well. Up yours.

9 Responses to "5 People Who Are Probably Responsible for the Bedbug Epidemic"

  1. Cleanse Body says:

    I think you figured it out with Joe.

  2. Spell Checker says:

    RESPONSIBLE

  3. Jame Gumb says:
    Ugh, I suck balls. Thanks.
  4. Orifice Jerq says:

    what about the shamwow dude… surely? ….

  5. Jame Gumb says:
    I’m sure he just soaks them up with the Shamwow, so I left him off.
  6. WHY TACO WHYYYYY says:

    NEWS FLASH
    IAN IS NOT A FAG

    keep it up .Wink
    =)

  7. Ian Fortey says:
    Thank you, stranger.  Want to have homosexual intercourse?
  8. MyBallsUrChin says:

    I gave them to Snookie via my balls

  9. Jack says:

    It’s clearly the hipsters.