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5 People You Know Who Cheat On Their Taxes

Thousands of people cheat on their taxes every year, and some of them get caught, but most of them get away with it. What you may not realize is that these tax cheaters walk among us.  They are our teachers, doctors, and the stupid old person trying to drive in front of you on the way to work.  Here are 5 Tax Cheaters that you already know:
 
Your Mailman
 
Your mailman has a pretty sweet job: he gets to stroll leisurely from house-to-house in shorts and a pith helmet all day. His job is carrying paper around. It seems like a pretty sweet gig. He also gets to drive that cool little mail truck that he can park anywhere he wants, and sometimes the steering wheel is even on the wrong side! How awesome is that?! What you didn’t know is that your loveable, friendly mailman is hiding a deep, dark secret: he’s ripping you the f*ck off!
 
 
According to ABC News, federal employees owe nearly a billion dollars in unpaid taxes, and of all the federal employees out there, postal workers are the biggest cheats of all. That’s pretty ironic, because a) they’re paying their own salaries by paying taxes, and b) they can’t even use the "it must’ve gotten lost in the mail" excuse like you always do, because if it did get lost in the mail it would be their fault!  It seems like a no-win situation for these guys, but for some reason they just can’t keep their grubby little mail-carrying paws off that tax money. The next time you see your mailman, punch him in the face. He won’t even need an explanation. He knows he deserves it.
 
Your Landlord
 
Your landlord is either a fat, dirty asshole with a shitty combover and a constantly stained shirt, or a bitchy, crazy old lady with bug-eyes and a wig who smells like dishwater all the time. Either way, they aren’t a pleasant person to be around. One thing is for sure, though: they’re cheating on their taxes. It’s not because they’re secretly trying to underhanded criminals, either. It’s most likely because they’ve been stricken with the same illness as California Landlord Winson T. Lee, who owes 10 million dollars in unpaid taxes. 
 
 
According to Lee, he simply didn’t pay taxes for more than a decade because of an illness that he describes as "an inability to deal with the mound of paperwork that one has to go through in order to prepare their tax returns". I have that same illness, except it manifests itself in my inability to clean my room or get that stupid "check engine" light in my car looked at. It’s called Extreme Laziness, and if affects us all at some point. If you or someone you know suffers from laziness, please give them a cold beverage and something to snack on, so they won’t have to get up off the couch and get it themselves.
 
Your Favorite Movie Star
 

Your favorite movie star has it all: tons of fame, hot women, and millions of dollars. Whit all of that going on, it’s really hard to remember to do the little things in life, like raising children, driving sober, and paying taxes. You’d think that with all that expendable cash laying around, one more little H&R Block bill wouldn’t really matter, but you’re forgetting that a) taxes take time and a limited amount of focus, and b) actors only care about themselves. Why should someone else get half of the money that they barely worked to get? Luckily, the worst tax-offending stars are always super douchy. It’s much easier for the public to instantly turn on a dickbag like Nic Cage or Wesley Snipes, rather than any celebrity who’s a personal hero, like say…
 
 
Wait a minute. Say it ain’t so! Sinbad cheated on his taxes, too? Sinbad, our favorite flamboyant-dressing, out-dated, used-to-be-black-but-now-has-turned-completely-white stand-up comedian?! What has this cruel world of ours come to?
 
Your "Uncle Tony"
 
Your Uncle Tony is a pretty cool dude. He always dresses really sharp and brings you cool presents. Sure, it’s unclear what his job is exactly, or how he comes across so many cool, expensive gifts to give away, or why trunks of his luxury cars are always stained with blood, but other than those few little quirks he’s an awesome dude. But Uncle Tony has a dark secret. Well, actually he probably has about 5-10 dark secrets, but there’s really only one that’s applicable to this article: Uncle Tony doesn’t pay his taxes! Mobsters are notorious for tax fraud, since most of their money-making opportunities are illegal. Infamous mob boss Al Capone was never convicted for his countless murders, robberies, and moonshining.
 
 
He was put behind bars for tax evasion (and possibly for being batshit crazy from rampant, untreated syphilis). So while Uncle Tony may tell you he’s working for the docks, or the waste management company, or the strip club, what he’s not telling you is that he’s not paying his taxes, and that he probably has severe syphilis.
 
Your Dog Groomer
 
Without your dog groomer, your loveable pet would be running around the house covered in shit and ticks and mud, or worse yet: you might have to bathe him yourself! Luckily, you have a young or middle aged woman who comes over to your house once every few weeks and washes the hell out of your canine companion. She shows up in her own truck, brings all of her own supplies, and gets the job done in a quick, clean, and gentle way. You pay her a decent amount of money for the luxury of not having to get your fat ass up off the couch to drive your dog down to Petsmart once a month, and it’s worth the price. What you don’t know is that puppy-scrubbing bitch doesn’t even pay the taxes she owes on that truck she drives around in all day! Can you believe that?!
 
 
That idiotic groomer didn’t even realize that, depending on your state, if you use a vehicle partially for work and partially for personal use, you still have to pay a property tax on the vehicle that you use for work part of the time! That’s dog grooming 101! Some nefarious dog groomers try to get out of this coming up with bullshit excuses, like "I wouldn’t have to pay property taxes on a car I used to drive to an office job, so why do I have to pay property taxes on a vehicle that I use to get to a grooming job?" Well, what do you expect? These people are dog groomers, not rocket scientists. The most important thing they have to remember each day is to wash the dog’s asshole last so that you don’t rub shit all over his face. They can’t be expected to know about fringe tax laws. Still, what a bunch of dickheads, right?

39 Responses to "5 People You Know Who Cheat On Their Taxes"

  1. Bitch Affleck says:

    Ben, get your own blog, you whiny scrunt. You’re offended by having a comment removed? How do you manage to type with mommies apron over your head?

  2. Ben Affleck says:

    Naturally, another internet genius failed to understand the comment.
    I asked if I missed something – indicated the odd introduction to this thread with a comment criticizing what I can only assume to be a response to my first comment since I never mentioned ganstas or whatever the deal was.

    Yeah, my comment was removed. I don’t care that it was, but I am curious about what path was taken to merit the responses seen here. And in case you don’t quite follow that statement – the idea is that in many cases the train of responses is what’s entertaining about this site and the very reason none of us care to run a blog of our own.

    And my mom types for me since my hands are busy fisting both your brother and sister.

  3. Ben Affleck says:

    I’m retarded. I now see where gansta is mentioned. Kudos to my crack addled mind.

  4. DonkeyXote says:

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  5. me msm says:

    Mailmen don’t get paid by taxes dummy!

  6. Ann T Christ says:

    Ben, you whiny test tube baby..Pay your taxes you HOMO

  7. Ben Affleck says:

    You have a flaw in your statement. For one to pay taxes they would have had to have an income over the past year. Need I remind you I am BEN AFFLECK?

  8. Dean Woods says:

    Yeah buddy, You did indeed pick some winners.

    Lou
    http://www.whos-watching.es.tc

  9. bullshigat says:

    I hate mailmen! Why is there even a rule that says you have to let your mailman see you naked when you get a package? I’m sure it made sense in whatever era it was introduced, but why now??

  10. DonkeyXote says:

    Yeah they do, FUCKWIT!

  11. pratik says:

    Oh fuck, shit just got real… a pic of Mister McFeely from Mister Rogers Neighborhood.

  12. Adam Brown says:

    The first one is pretty incorrect. The US Postal System is 100% funded through stamp sales. Our taxes don’t contribute any money to it at all and haven’t done so since the early 80′s.

  13. genius says:

    yeah this was pretty much the least informative almost funny article i’ve seen all day.

  14. Phil Jones says:

    So much Tension and Animosity in here. Why not use that aggression to blow your Love Milk all over me! Let’s have a sweaty sausage party guys! MMMM! Fucking fags!

  15. Romey-Rome says:

    Not since 1971 idiot. Google it. Not that hard.

  16. notarepublican says:

    You left out all the Democrats that Obama tried to put in positions of power.
    They dont pay taxes either

  17. Ralph the WonderLlama says:

    Doesnt the Post Office still get goverment subsidies?

  18. Penus says:

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  19. Michael L Tarnassus says:

    It is amazing that Holytaco has been able to attract a commenting audience even more retarded than Youtube’s.

  20. DonkeyXoteâ„¢ says:

    Snooooooooooooooore fest!

  21. PokemonCathedralStationPLanet says:

    Mailmen don’t have income tax, it’s a federal service.

  22. taxcheater says:

    Is this…accounting comedy? This guy’s an R-Word.

  23. ThisGuy says:

    Shut the fuck up all you losers!! Please!! thank you. Uh duhh

  24. office jerk, says:

    you guys are like a bunch of cocksuckers at a fucking star trek convention discussing whether spock had a pointy cock.

    ‘Gansta’ is just as fucking misspelled as ‘Gangsta’, what’s the big fucking deal?

    Go masturbate at some motherfucking thread on Merriam webster’s website where they having a flame war over apostrophes you badger rapists.

  25. Plebian says:

    Yep, the new guy has officially ruined Holy Taco. Way to go, asshole!

    By the way, what the fuck is a “gansta”?

  26. Your Teacher says:

    Get SPELL CHECK BEEEATCH!

  27. Tiger Woods says:

    Gangsta is the ghetto version of saying gangster you dumb ass! Buy a rap cd sometime you ass hat wearing piece of shit

  28. Your Ex Wife says:

    Shut up and read what he wrote instead of jumping to the comments and trying to follow the crowd you wannabe punk.
    No ‘g’ means it is misspelled, which is what he was getting at.
    If you took your head out of your ass, you would have known.

  29. Kai says:

    The line “damn it feels good to be a gangsta” is from a rap song by The Geto boys and was featured in the iconic flick “Office Space.”

    If you didn’t know it was a pop culture reference, you’ve a: been under a fuggin ROCK for the last 15 years or b: are too young to even be reading this crap. Either way, you should probably refrain from commenting on lists intended for humorous purposes lest you appear a total jackass by not knowing wtf is going on.

    Cheers

  30. DonkeXote says:

    BOOO!

    Get this old fuckwit off the stage!

  31. justin says:
    Wy?
  32. Anonymos says:

    yeah taco you may want to read your articles a bit more carefully before posting them

  33. justin says:
    This was hardly our best effort. We could be WAY more like Cracked if we wanted to (imagine this article EVERY DAY!)
  34. Max Powers says:

    this is holy taco trying its best to be Cracked.com. try a little harder fellas, i believe in you

  35. Pac-Man says:

    I’m surprised you picked up that typo, you know, WHIT all that going on and all…

  36. 00kla the M0k says:

    Sinbad sucks. I always hated him. Then I saw him on Celeb Apprentice (God blind me) and he’s total tweaker. Fuckin tweakers!

  37. Cracked.com says:

    We are suing you now

  38. Ben Affleck says:

    Did I miss something here? I mean, besides my generally offensive first comment being removed for some reason despite it being no more offensive than most of the comments posted on this site.

  39. peteyroberto says:

    If they were trying to be like cracked.com they would have a list like 5 ways to get a girl to sleep w/ you despite having heard you have herpes…