Thousands of people cheat on their taxes
every year, and some of them get caught, but most of them get away with it. What you may not realize is that these tax cheaters walk among us. They are our teachers, doctors, and the stupid old person trying to drive
in front of you on the way to work. Here are 5 Tax Cheaters that you already know:
Your mailman has a pretty sweet job: he gets to stroll leisurely from house-to-house in shorts and a pith helmet all day. His job is carrying paper around. It seems like a pretty sweet gig. He also gets to drive that cool little mail truck that he can park anywhere he wants, and sometimes the steering wheel is even on the wrong side! How awesome is that?! What you didn’t know is that your loveable, friendly mailman is hiding a deep, dark secret: he’s ripping you the f*ck off!
According to ABC News
, federal employees owe nearly a billion dollars in unpaid taxes, and of all the federal employees out there, postal workers are the biggest cheats of all. That’s pretty ironic, because a) they’re paying their own salaries by paying taxes, and b) they can’t even use the "it must’ve gotten lost in the mail" excuse like you always do, because if it did
get lost in the mail it would be their fault! It seems like a no-win situation for these guys, but for some reason they just can’t keep their grubby little mail-carrying paws off that tax money. The next time you see your mailman, punch him in the face. He won’t even need an explanation. He knows he deserves it.
Your landlord is either a fat, dirty asshole with a shitty combover and a constantly stained shirt, or a bitchy, crazy old lady with bug-eyes and a wig who smells like dishwater all the time. Either way, they aren’t a pleasant person to be around. One thing is for sure, though: they’re cheating on their taxes. It’s not because they’re secretly trying to underhanded criminals, either. It’s most likely because they’ve been stricken with the same illness as California Landlord Winson T. Lee, who owes 10 million dollars in unpaid taxes.
According to Lee, he simply didn’t pay taxes for more than a decade because of an illness that he describes as "an inability to deal with the mound of paperwork that one has to go through in order to prepare their tax returns". I have that same illness, except it manifests itself in my inability to clean my room or get that stupid "check engine" light in my car looked at. It’s called Extreme Laziness, and if affects us all at some point. If you or someone you know suffers from laziness, please give them a cold beverage and something to snack on, so they won’t have to get up off the couch and get it themselves.
Your favorite movie star has it all: tons of fame, hot women, and millions of dollars. Whit all of that going on, it’s really hard to remember to do the little things in life, like raising children, driving sober, and paying taxes. You’d think that with all that expendable cash laying around, one more little H&R Block bill wouldn’t really matter, but you’re forgetting that a) taxes take time and a limited amount of focus, and b) actors only care about themselves. Why should someone else get half of the money that they barely worked to get? Luckily, the worst tax-offending stars are always super douchy. It’s much easier for the public to instantly turn on a dickbag like Nic Cage or Wesley Snipes, rather than any celebrity who’s a personal hero, like say…
Wait a minute. Say it ain’t so! Sinbad cheated on his taxes, too? Sinbad, our favorite flamboyant-dressing, out-dated, used-to-be-black-but-now-has-turned-completely-white stand-up comedian?! What has this cruel world of ours come to?
Your "Uncle Tony"
Your Uncle Tony is a pretty cool dude. He always dresses really sharp and brings you cool presents. Sure, it’s unclear what his job is exactly, or how he comes across so many cool, expensive gifts to give away, or why trunks of his luxury cars are always stained with blood, but other than those few little quirks he’s an awesome dude. But Uncle Tony has a dark secret. Well, actually he probably has about 5-10 dark secrets, but there’s really only one that’s applicable to this article: Uncle Tony doesn’t pay his taxes! Mobsters are notorious for tax fraud, since most of their money-making opportunities are illegal. Infamous mob boss Al Capone was never convicted for his countless murders, robberies, and moonshining.
He was put behind bars for tax evasion (and possibly for being batshit crazy from rampant, untreated syphilis). So while Uncle Tony may tell you he’s working for the docks, or the waste management company, or the strip club, what he’s not telling you is that he’s not paying his taxes, and that he probably has severe syphilis.
Your Dog Groomer
Without your dog groomer, your loveable pet would be running around the house covered in shit and ticks and mud, or worse yet: you might have to bathe him yourself! Luckily, you have a young or middle aged woman who comes over to your house once every few weeks and washes the hell out of your canine companion. She shows up in her own truck, brings all of her own supplies, and gets the job done in a quick, clean, and gentle way. You pay her a decent amount of money for the luxury of not having to get your fat ass up off the couch to drive your dog down to Petsmart once a month, and it’s worth the price. What you don’t know is that puppy-scrubbing bitch doesn’t even pay the taxes she owes on that truck she drives around in all day! Can you believe that?!
That idiotic groomer didn’t even realize that, depending on your state, if you use a vehicle partially for work and partially for personal use, you still have to pay a property tax on the vehicle that you use for work part of the time! That’s dog grooming 101! Some nefarious dog groomers try to get out of this coming up with bullshit excuses, like "I wouldn’t have to pay property taxes on a car I used to drive to an office job, so why do I have to pay property taxes on a vehicle that I use to get to a grooming job?" Well, what do you expect? These people are dog groomers, not rocket scientists. The most important thing they have to remember each day is to wash the dog’s asshole last so that you don’t rub shit all over his face. They can’t be expected to know about fringe tax laws. Still, what a bunch of dickheads, right?