Nothing prepares you for the outside world quite like high school football, because it teaches you that there’s always someone better than you at your job, and in the end you just wish you could just leave and go smoke pot under some bleachers. So, in an effort to really explore what we learned from playing high school football, we decided to look at five types of people on a high school football team, and where they are now.
The Meathead
The Meathead is the guy on the team who is abnormally large and/or strong for his age, and therefore has been on the Varsity squad since he was a freshman. For him, the high school population is broken down in to three simple categories: “people I can pick up and lift over my head”, “f*&kin fags”, and “people I want to stick my penis in.” Sometimes, all three of those are the same person, but you probably won’t find that out until the reunion years later. Normally, the Meathead is easy enough to manage; just apply the same rules to him that you would apply to a grizzly bear: try to observe him at a distance, and if you have to go near him, make sure he’s really sleepy or he just ate.
What He’s Doing Now: Lives within an 11 block radius of the school, with a wife who was incredibly hot in high school, but three kids later looks like John Goodman after getting kicked out of a corndog eating contest.
Mr. Perfect
It’s like he was built in a lab by Disney, then sent to MTV to make sure he was attractive, but still effeminate enough for parents to like him. He has a girlfriend, but he doesn’t f*&k her because "it makes baby jesus cry." She just gives him HJ's after the game, because baby jesus is cool with that. He’s got a scholarship to a division one school, and says shit like, “I’m going to buy my mom a house as soon as I get in the NFL.” Then you see him freshman year of college, and he’s drunk in the corner of an apartment complex pointing out a woman who’s hair he splooged in, and offers to show you the videotape.
What He’s Doing Now: He’s either a total burn out who smokes weed and asks people to, “Prove to me the government isn’t responsible for 9/11. YOU prove to ME!”, or he’s a real estate agent who has an incredibly creepy photo of himself on every bus stop bench.
The Coach’s Son
As parents, it’s our job to force our children to like things that we like, and the best way to do that is to make them do those things, even when they’re woefully unprepared for them, or physically incapable. That’s where The Coach's Son comes in. Even though he throws a football like he’s a teenage girl trying to get a spider off her hand, he’s the quarterback of the team. The upside is, everyone hates him, and in turn, he hates his dad. This usually culminates with him crying at some point during the season in front of A LOT of people.
What He's Doing Now: In and out of prison, with a tattoo of a pair of unrealistically large titties somewhere on a visible part of his body.
The Slacker
A high school football team is a lot like a baby: There’s two people who give a shit about it, and everyone else just pretends like they do when they’re around those two people. The Slacker is on the team because either he thought it’d be a good way to get laid, because everyone else seems to be doing it, or because his think he might be gay, and joining the team will stop that from happening. He's pretty easy to identify: when he's called into the game, he slowly, unenthusiastically meanders onto the field, like someone just asked him to wait in line for them at the DMV.
What He's Doing Now: Staring at computer screen, reading a blog that's not as funny as it tries to be.
The Closeted Homosexual
If this kid could have one wish for his high school football career, it would be to not have a high school football career in the first place. The fact is, he doesn't want to play football. The only part of the sport he even remotely enjoys is the shower part at the end. But his dad was a football star in high school, and his dad started noticing a while back that his son was a little...effeminate. So, being, a good, manly, former-football-star dad that he is, he forced his son to "toughen up, by playing a man's game." This kid is easy to spot: he's the one spending most of his time watching the cheerleaders, and trying to restrain himself from mimicking the cheers, which he's memorized, of course.
What He's Doing Now: Getting voted off of Project Runway: Season 6.
someone got made fun of a lot and picked on. the truth is no football player cares about anything other that the chance to hit someone, we don't care about the little kids looking at us from afar. hope the posters little Pee-Pee keeps him happy. enjoy your left hand and your right hand clicking.
You tell them, Anon. Just keep in mind that your team will always remember you and you'll be tight forever. So what if you went 1-11 in your senior year and somebody hung 55 points on you for the homecoming game, high school football is what life is about. Seriously man, you should totally rock your letter jacket to your first college party. Every there will instantly know you're the man. I wish I was as cool as you.
This was obviously written but a teenager, but remember this - after high school, none of this matters. The cliques don't exist in the real world. If people still adhere to the groups they were in during high school, they have failed at life. Regardless of whatever that group was.
I think That while the cliques definitely vanish, I still hang out with my friends from Highschool, and my friends from university. But basically once you're in University/College, the school is so big that you basically notice the people you know/ hang out with, and then the rest of the people are just crowd. There really isn't very much prejudice, because you're not around the same group of people all the time, so no one is given the chance to formulate opinions of people they don't really know, and people tend to mature a little.
HAHA that post from the anonymous was perfect. What an idiot. I'm sure he is the guy that is playing football in his high school or in a small ass college somewhere just extending his "glory days." I shouldn't even write this because the guy's post spoke for itself. "the truth is no football player cares about anything other than the chance to hit someone" lol Seriously? Thats a fucking simple mind right there.
Classifying one's time spent playing HS football as the "glory days" captures this mentality perfectly. There's nothing wrong with taking pride in an activity, but it's pathetic when a macho mentality - created entirely by just being on the team - permeates all aspects of one's life. Regardless if these morons are active on the team or 10 years removed from HS, they all fall into one of these categories and carry that persona throughout life. So yes, fuck school, don't go to class, force someone else to read that stupid book and write the report. Live up the glory days because nothing lasts forever. Ooohh and I hope that poor kid's life you ruined by constantly embarrassing him yells at you for putting the milk on top of the bread while he's swiping his Black Card and has his sexy wife laugh at you because you're ignorance inspired him to rise above and focus on finding real success. Unless you're guaranteed an NFL contract, savor the glory because I said, "I told you fucking premium! How difficult is it to mix up 87 and 92. This isn't your fucking Bronco you're pumping gas in right now, dumb ass. OO yeah, and I'm glad to see your Letter jacket still fits so well."
Haha! As a former college and high school football player, I must agree that this list is dead on. You had me cracking up, especially at the slacker section. Totally pegged me :)
I was the captain of my high school hockey team for two years. I have a B.S. in Mechanical Engineering, but then I went back to school to become a doctor after working at a big DoD contractor in Southern California for three years.
Where do I fit in this stereotypical bashing of people who played high school sports by others who are still jealous decades after?
Don't know, but if you are a doctor what the f'ck are doing reading Holy Taco? Shouldn't you be saving people or at least sticking your finger up their ass?
Come on dude, this is meant to be funny. You know, people making fun of other people. If you really take yourself this seriously, that's insecurity rearing its ugly little head. You might wanna consider lightening up.
judging by the silhoette on Anthony's letter jacket, he was on the varsity fallatio team. and the closeted guy's jersey number of 69 is not a coincidence.
I read this site for humor....because that is what this site is about...right? Uhh, the site seems to be attracting more people without a sense of humor or is giving the impression of seriousness. Help me out. Maybe the seriousness is suggested.....?..Oh, yeah by Keyra Augustina's ass being displayed on the right side of the screen as one of Holy Taco's favorites..yep the glossy ass is sign that this site is meant for serious intellectual discussion..
I played soccer in high school and should have played football for only one reason-I like to hit people.
(42 Comments)
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June 1st, 2009 at 11:00 am
someone got made fun of a lot and picked on. the truth is no football player cares about anything other that the chance to hit someone, we don't care about the little kids looking at us from afar. hope the posters little Pee-Pee keeps him happy. enjoy your left hand and your right hand clicking.
June 1st, 2009 at 11:13 am
heh, I've always been more of a left hand clicking kind of guy.
I guess you don't want to hurt your throwing arm do you?
June 1st, 2009 at 11:15 am
You tell them, Anon. Just keep in mind that your team will always remember you and you'll be tight forever. So what if you went 1-11 in your senior year and somebody hung 55 points on you for the homecoming game, high school football is what life is about. Seriously man, you should totally rock your letter jacket to your first college party. Every there will instantly know you're the man. I wish I was as cool as you.
June 1st, 2009 at 11:47 am
So you're description #5 then?
June 1st, 2009 at 11:42 am
I played High School ball and while there were plenty of stereotypes on the team, all but the coach's son fail.
June 1st, 2009 at 12:55 pm
this is the guy who probably BRO-RAPED the guy on the football team after a case race:
http://www.digitalfuntown.com/videos/168
June 1st, 2009 at 01:34 pm
this topic has been covered extensively by Maddox.
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=dumbassjocks
Cliff Notes: Bag my fucking groceries
June 1st, 2009 at 03:29 pm
This was obviously written but a teenager, but remember this - after high school, none of this matters. The cliques don't exist in the real world. If people still adhere to the groups they were in during high school, they have failed at life. Regardless of whatever that group was.
June 1st, 2009 at 03:33 pm
I think he covered that in the "What are they doing now" blurb at the bottom of each section.
June 2nd, 2009 at 07:17 am
I think That while the cliques definitely vanish, I still hang out with my friends from Highschool, and my friends from university. But basically once you're in University/College, the school is so big that you basically notice the people you know/ hang out with, and then the rest of the people are just crowd. There really isn't very much prejudice, because you're not around the same group of people all the time, so no one is given the chance to formulate opinions of people they don't really know, and people tend to mature a little.
June 1st, 2009 at 05:14 pm
Your Mr. Perfect is pretty dead on...except for University of Florida's Tim Tebow.
June 1st, 2009 at 07:59 pm
Tim Tebow has a nightlight in his room....not because he is scared of the dark, but because the dark is scared of Tim Tebow
June 2nd, 2009 at 12:56 pm
well said....and right on point...it almost has a kind of Chuck Norris reverence to it
June 1st, 2009 at 09:38 pm
Tim Tebow is a bitch... OH-IO
June 1st, 2009 at 11:29 pm
HAHA that post from the anonymous was perfect. What an idiot. I'm sure he is the guy that is playing football in his high school or in a small ass college somewhere just extending his "glory days." I shouldn't even write this because the guy's post spoke for itself. "the truth is no football player cares about anything other than the chance to hit someone" lol Seriously? Thats a fucking simple mind right there.
November 23rd, 2009 at 04:39 pm
Classifying one's time spent playing HS football as the "glory days" captures this mentality perfectly. There's nothing wrong with taking pride in an activity, but it's pathetic when a macho mentality - created entirely by just being on the team - permeates all aspects of one's life. Regardless if these morons are active on the team or 10 years removed from HS, they all fall into one of these categories and carry that persona throughout life. So yes, fuck school, don't go to class, force someone else to read that stupid book and write the report. Live up the glory days because nothing lasts forever. Ooohh and I hope that poor kid's life you ruined by constantly embarrassing him yells at you for putting the milk on top of the bread while he's swiping his Black Card and has his sexy wife laugh at you because you're ignorance inspired him to rise above and focus on finding real success. Unless you're guaranteed an NFL contract, savor the glory because I said, "I told you fucking premium! How difficult is it to mix up 87 and 92. This isn't your fucking Bronco you're pumping gas in right now, dumb ass. OO yeah, and I'm glad to see your Letter jacket still fits so well."
June 1st, 2009 at 11:32 pm
By the way anon, its poster's not posters. Posters are something that goes on your wall while a poster's comment goes on the site.
June 2nd, 2009 at 05:58 am
lol
good list
June 2nd, 2009 at 06:51 am
I believe all men who play team sports want to have sex with other men.
June 5th, 2009 at 06:45 pm
just cause you're a computer nerd who can't get any ass, and can't run a mile without wetting yourself doesn't mean you gotta put down athletes
June 2nd, 2009 at 06:55 am
ROTFL, wow aint it the truth! Amazing!
RT
www.privacy-tools.echoz.com
June 2nd, 2009 at 07:09 am
Haha! As a former college and high school football player, I must agree that this list is dead on. You had me cracking up, especially at the slacker section. Totally pegged me :)
June 2nd, 2009 at 07:10 am
I was the captain of my high school hockey team for two years. I have a B.S. in Mechanical Engineering, but then I went back to school to become a doctor after working at a big DoD contractor in Southern California for three years.
Where do I fit in this stereotypical bashing of people who played high school sports by others who are still jealous decades after?
June 2nd, 2009 at 07:16 am
Probably Mr. Perfect you amazing man. I bask in your glory. I personally was the slacker on the list.
June 2nd, 2009 at 07:20 am
The Closeted Homosexual
June 2nd, 2009 at 07:21 am
Why, you sound like Mr. Perfect!
June 2nd, 2009 at 07:25 am
Which is the one that doesn't have a sense of humor? You're that one.
(I was a high school football player, too. I was between the meathead & the slacker. Now I'm a research scientist.)
June 2nd, 2009 at 07:30 am
obviously you're the closeted homo.
June 2nd, 2009 at 07:36 am
If you're offended that easily you probably would fit in with the closeted homosexual
June 2nd, 2009 at 09:52 am
I was the captain of my high school hockey team, too, so at least we've got that in common.
June 2nd, 2009 at 10:34 am
Don't know, but if you are a doctor what the f'ck are doing reading Holy Taco? Shouldn't you be saving people or at least sticking your finger up their ass?
June 2nd, 2009 at 12:27 pm
early nominee for the Douchebag Tournament.
June 3rd, 2009 at 04:01 am
Come on dude, this is meant to be funny. You know, people making fun of other people. If you really take yourself this seriously, that's insecurity rearing its ugly little head. You might wanna consider lightening up.
June 4th, 2009 at 04:11 pm
hey anonymous hockey is for canadians and faggs and i noticed you didn't mention your married
June 2nd, 2009 at 07:55 am
judging by the silhoette on Anthony's letter jacket, he was on the varsity fallatio team. and the closeted guy's jersey number of 69 is not a coincidence.
June 2nd, 2009 at 09:24 am
I think the closeted homo just got traded to the Chicago Bears....
June 2nd, 2009 at 01:19 pm
ahaha the meathead and the coaches son killed me. good write up.
June 2nd, 2009 at 10:23 pm
what about the black dudes
June 4th, 2009 at 01:23 pm
Yeah, what about the black dudes. Racists
I read this site for humor....because that is what this site is about...right? Uhh, the site seems to be attracting more people without a sense of humor or is giving the impression of seriousness. Help me out. Maybe the seriousness is suggested.....?..Oh, yeah by Keyra Augustina's ass being displayed on the right side of the screen as one of Holy Taco's favorites..yep the glossy ass is sign that this site is meant for serious intellectual discussion..
I played soccer in high school and should have played football for only one reason-I like to hit people.
June 5th, 2009 at 06:41 pm
what about the black guy that you can't understand what he's saying
June 6th, 2009 at 03:57 pm
Mr. Perfect looks like Dallas Halles
June 9th, 2009 at 01:23 pm
BEST FOOTBALL MOVIE EVER IS THE WATERBOY! NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL HIGH QUALITY H20. *also the best stoner movie :D
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